Phoebe Halliwell quotes from Charmed

Chris

I think I have a new theory on who might be trying to turn Wyatt evil.

Paige

Oh, a new theory. What's that? Like the third one this week?

Chris

What're you keeping score now?

Phoebe

She's just grumpy 'cause she hasn't had her coffee yet.

Paige

I am not grumpy. (Phoebe gives her a look.) Ok, fine, maybe a little bit. But you have to admit you've had a lot of different theories lately, and none of them have panned out.

Chris

That's why they call them "theories".

Paige

Do we even get along in the future?

Phoebe

Yeah, you're a demon.

I care too.

Phoebe

Oh...well never mind then.

Phoebe

Well, let's just hope that we find him before he finds us!

Phoebe

Hm... Maybe that's another one of your suiters that you've conjured for your own personal gain and pleasure.

Paige

Oh, I hope so! (to Mr. Right.) No offense.

Phoebe

Paige, I don't even want to talk about this. I mean, how could you do such a thing?

Paige

Oh, what, like you've never conjured stuff before.

Phoebe

Yeah, well, never for myself and never a sex toy.

I am not a sex toy.

Phoebe

Quiet, you.

Paige

Well, we did it for Piper before.

Phoebe

Yes, but that was different. We were trying to convince her to not give up on love. We were desperate.

Paige

Well, maybe I am too.

Chris

Excuse me, shouldn't we be focusing on the bigger issue here?

Phoebe

How long has this been going on?

Paige

About three weeks.

Phoebe

Three weeks!

Paige

Give or take. You're the one who kept telling me I needed a break.

Phoebe

Yes, but I meant take a day off, you know. Go to the spa, have a pedicure, get a massage.

I massage her.

Chris

Not something, someone. Demonatrix.

Phoebe

Look Chris, what you do in your spare time...

Piper

(laughs) Phoebe?! Are you here to save me or kill me?

Phoebe

I havn't decided yet, turn around.

Phoebe

Have you lost your mind?

Paige

No. Another witch was killed last night.

Phoebe

Oh, no.

Paige

Oh, yes! And she had active powers, so I need you to go home where I can keep an eye on you.

Phoebe

Paige, you're my baby sister, not my baby-sitter.

Paige

Oh, that's clever. You're very clever. I'm glad that while I'm panicking, you have the time to be clever.

Phoebe

Ok, it's very sweet that you're worried about me, but I am fine, and I have a lot of work to do here.

Paige

Great. Do your work from home.

Phoebe

I can't do it from home because Kyle Donie is not at home.

Paige

Who is Kyle Donie? Is this about a guy?

Phoebe

No, it's not about a guy. It's about a reporter, one who knows everything there is to know about crime and criminal investigation and since we don't have Darryl's help anymore, he's the only resource I have.

Paige

Fine. (hands her the potions vials as she tells her what they are.) Explosive, acid, smoke bomb. Use them.

Phoebe

Thanks, mom.

Paige

Piper. Hello?

Piper

Where the hell are you? I'm in labour!

Phoebe

Is she okay?

Paige

She's in labour.

Piper

Is there an echo?

Piper

Since when are you in such a hurry to say goodbye?

Phoebe

Well, since something happened with the thing, and the thing, with the thing.

Phoebe

Okay, you two! Stop it right now! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! (Paige and Phoebe pull leo and Piper apart) You go over there, you over... here. (Piper slaps Phoebe with her many hands) And keep your hands to yourself!

Piper

But you're interrupting us.

Phoebe

And saving life as we know it.

Leo

What are you talking about?

Paige

Look at your outfit. Does that look like something you normally wear?

Leo

Well, no.

Paige

Exactly. This is not the first time we have been hijacked by gods. So you just have to fight it.

Leo

I don't want to fight it. I haven't felt this potent in years.

Phoebe

Ew! Over sharing.

Paige

It's okay, it's just a graze.

Phoebe

I still can't believe an Elder attacked you.

Paige

I know, they're supposed to be pacifists, right?

Piper

Have you seen Leo lately? Speaking of which. Leo!

Paige

He's a little mad at me and I can't say I blame him. I did kind of mess things up.

Phoebe

Well, that doesn't explain why he tried to kill you.

Pardon me?

Paige

I think the demon did something to the Elder, got him to free up his repressed anger somehow.

Phoebe

Oh, probably wasn't breastfed as a child.

Piper

Phoebe!

Paige

Well, either way, we wouldn't even be in this situation, this demon wouldn't even be here if I hadn't have had the great stroke of genius to try to save school.

Phoebe

So why do you think he tried to kill her?

If I could just--

Paige

Maybe he knew what I didn't know. Which is that since they came together, they have to leave together.

Phoebe

Yeah, but why wouldn't he want to go back?

If you would just listen to me...!

Phoebe

Oh!

Piper

Wow!

Phoebe

That's just... a lot!

It is apparently still the only way I can get anybody to listen to me.

Piper

Woman, keep your clothes on, this is a family show. Really.

Phoebe

Yo-ho, hello.

Piper

Did you just call me a hoe?

Piper

How'd you get here?

Phoebe

A pirate never betrays his secrecy (Piper looks confused) Leo orbed me.

Phoebe

Oh. Any idea what this meeting's all about?

Paige

Oh, probably something to do with the kids.

Phoebe

Why? Did something happen?

Paige

Oh, I'm sure they've gotten kidnapped by the latest demon or something.

Phoebe

Paige, that is so not funny.

Paige

You got so emotional when you're PMS-ed.

Phoebe

And you got mean.

Paige

I do not got mean. I'm above it all. Nothing happens to me.

Piper

All righty than.

Phoebe

Oh, right, nothing happens to you. You're above it all.

Paige

Fine, I get a little jumpy.

Piper

And I get a little pissy, so watch it.

We know.

Paige

The good news is we all get over it at the same time.

Piper

As long as we don't kill each other in the process, which brings me to what we need to talk about.

Paige

Ah, that sounds serious. That calls for ice cream with three spoons.

Phoebe

Ah-ah-ah! Persional gain.

Paige

I know, but screw it, it's too good.

Piper

Anyway, I've been wanting to tell you guys something for a while. Um, I just didn't know how to say it.

Phoebe

Oh my God. Are you pregnet again?

Piper

No, this is not a good thing. Do you guys remember Zola, the Elder who disappeared?

Paige

Yeah.

Piper

Well, he didn't disappear. He was killed. Leo killed him.

Phoebe

Leo killed him?

Paige

Heh!

Piper

It was an accident. He didn't mean to. I mean, he was tricked.

Paige

You might want to tell that to Zola.

Oh!

Phoebe

Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up!

Piper

What? Where are the boys?

Phoebe

The boys are fine. We're not.

Paige

Keep it down. Hey!

Piper

Hey, yourself. Look!

Paige

Oh my God! What happened to him?

Phoebe

I think we're what happened to him.

Paige

What are you talking about?

Phoebe

We're in the cage, that's what I'm talking about. I think we trapped our selves.

Piper

No, we didn't. Did we?

Phoebe

I think that dream I had was real.

Paige

So you're saying, that we, did this to him?

Phoebe

Do you have a better explanation?

Paige

That is crazy. (stands up, hits force-field, plops back down)

Phoebe

As you were saying?

Paige

Okay. What does this mean? We're demons?

Piper

No, we didn't turn into demons, Paige.

Phoebe

We turned into monsters.

Paige

I know we all get a little testy this time of month, but that's ridiculous.

Piper

It can't be that, it's gotta be something else

Phoebe

Like what? The blue moon?

Piper

We gotta get out of here. This is crazy. Paige, try to orb one of these crystals away.

Paige

Crystal. Blue moon?

Piper

They're out of their minds.

Leo

Still, he's gonna be sent here tomorrow.

Piper

Well, I hope I don't blow him up.

Leo

Piper, you can't blow up a whitelighter.

Phoebe

Why not? She blows you up all the time.