Spike quotes from Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Xander

I have to get to work

Spike

Yeah, delivering melted cheese on bread. Doing your part to keep America constipated.

Xander

Besides, look on the bright side. If we don't come up with a solution, we might face an apocalypse.

Spike

[extremely happy] Really? You're not just saying that?

Spike

[To Xander] Kids your age are heading off to University. You've made it as far as the basement. And Red here couldn't even keep Dog Boy happy. You can take the loser out of high school, but...

Willow

I see what you're doing. You're trying to get us to dust you.

Spike

I'm not. I just don't want pity from geeks more useless than I am.

Xander

You own nothing. This shouldn't be taking so long.

Spike

Hang on. Let a fella get organized. [picks up radio.]

Xander

That's my radio!

Spike

And you're what? Shocked and disappointed? I'm evil!

Giles

Spike. Wonderful. A perfect end to a perfect day.

Spike

Giles?

Giles

Go on, then. Let's get on with the fighting -- You understand me?

Spike

Of course I understand you.

Giles

I'm speaking English?

Spike

No, you're speaking Fyarl. I happen to speak Fyarl. And... by the way, why the hell are you suddenly a Fyarl demon? You just come over all demony this morning?

Spike

And I'm just supposed to help you out of the evilness of my heart?

Giles

Y-you help me and I-I don't kill you.

Spike

Oh, tremendously convincing. Try it again without the stutter.

Giles

Money. I could pay you money.

Spike

Oh, I like money. How much?

Giles

A h-hundred dollars.

Spike

A hundred dollars? You'll have to do a lot better than that. Two hundred.

Giles

It'll be dark soon. I think it would be wise for you to leave Sunnydale.

Spike

I'm not going anywhere, not until those bastards undo whatever they did to me. Put me back the way I was.

Xander

Sure, just explain to the nice scientist guys that you really miss killing and torturing innocent people.

Spike

You think that would work?

Giles

Spike, Lord know why I'm telling you this. It's for your own good. As long as the Initiative is in operation, it's not safe for you here.

Buffy

No. It's not safe for any of us.

Xander

Spike.

Giles

What are you doing here?

Spike

Me? Hey, I'm not the one out of place here.

Xander

For your information, smarty, we've got a rogue slayer on our hands. Real psycho killer, too.

Spike

Sounds serious.

Giles

It is. What do you know?

Spike

What do you need?

Xander

Her, dark hair, yea tall, name of Faith, criminally insane.

Giles

Have you seen her?

Spike

Is this bird after you?

Xander

In a bad way. Yeah.

Spike

Tell you what I'll do then. I'll head out, find this girl, tell her exactly where all of you are, and then watch as she kills you. [sees the surprised looks on Giles and Xanders faces and sighs] Can any one of your damn little Scooby club at least try to remember that I hate you all? Just because I can't do the damage myself doesn't stop me from aiming a loose cannon your way. And here I thought the evening would be dull.

Xander

Go ahead! You wouldn't even recognize her.

Spike

Dark hair, this tall, name of Faith, criminally insane. I like this girl already.

Xander

[to Giles] We're dumb.

Spike

You know why I really hate you, Summers?

Faith

[in Buffy's body] 'Cause I'm a stuck-up tight-ass with no sense of fun?

Spike

Well, yeah. That covers a lot of it.

Faith

[in Buffy's body] 'Cause I could do anything I want and instead I choose to pout and whine and feel the burden of Slayerness. I mean, I could be rich, I could be famous. I could have anything. Anyone. Even you, Spike. I could ride you at a gallop until your legs buckled and your eyes rolled up. I've got muscles you've never even dreamed of. I could squeeze you until you pop like warm champagne and you'd beg me to hurt you just a little bit more. And you know why I don't? [mockingly] Because it's wrong.

Spike

I get this chip out, you and me are going to have a confrontation.

Xander

Buffy and Riley are trapped.

So? She's a Slayer, he's a big soldier boy. What do they need you for?

Xander

Anya, look around: there's ghosts and shaking and people are going all Felicity with their hair. We're fresh out of super-people and somebody's gotta go back in there. Now, who's with me?

Spike

I am. I know I'm not the first choice for heroics, and Buffy's tried to kill me more than once, and I don't fancy a single one of you at all, but... Actually, all that sounds pretty convincing. [walks off.] I wonder if Asian House is open.

Giles

[singing] If I leave here tomorrow

Spike

You know, for someone who's got "Watcher" on his resume', you might want to cast an eye to the front door every now and again.

Willow

Crack a government encrypted code on my laptop? Easy as really difficult pie.

Spike

You're not exactly the wiz these days either. God, I'm never going to get paid.

Willow

I am a wiz.

Tara

She is a wiz.

Willow

If ever a wiz there was.

Spike

[happily] Now that was fun!

Adam

You were successful?

Spike

[scoffs] Easier than I'd thought it'd be, too.

Adam

You're sure?

Spike

[scoffs] Feel it in my bones. I call it...the Yoko Factor. [off Adam's look] Don't tell me you've never heard of The Beatles?

Adam

I have. [stands] I like Helter Skelter

Spike

What a surprise. The point is, they were once a real powerful group. It's not a stretch to say they ruled the world. And when they broke up everyone blamed Yoko, but the fact is the group split itself apart, she just happened to be there. You know how it is with kids. They go off to college, they grow apart. Way of the world.

Adam

Two Slayers?

Spike

That's right.

Adam

And you killed them both?

Spike

Yeah. I killed the hell out of 'em.

Adam

Yet you fear this one?

Spike

Hey, watch it, mate! I don't fear anything. I just know my enemies.

Adam

Do you? Then why haven't you killed this Slayer yet?

Spike

Because...! Stinking rotten luck is why. On top of that, now I got this buggering chip up my head.

Adam

Yes. Your behavior modification circuitry. I know what you feel.

Spike

[scoffing] Not likely.

Adam

You feel smothered. Trapped like an animal. Pure in its ferocity, unable to actualize the urges within. Clinging to one truth, like a flame struggling to burn within an enclosed glass: that a beast this powerful cannot be contained. Inevitably, it will break free and savage the land again. I will make you whole again, make you savage.

Spike

[is speechless with awe for a moment] Wow... I mean, yeah. I get why the demons all fall in line with you. You're like Tony Robbins! If he was a big scary, Frankenstein-looking... You're exactly like Tony Robbins.

Spike

[On getting Buffy to go where Adam wants her to] Right. The Initiative. But getting her there, that's what the bleeding discs are for, innit? I mean, the little witch gives her the info, and pop! All sends her back down the rabbit hole.

Adam

The witch?

Spike

Ah, Willow. So high, perky, good with maths. Natural choice.

Adam

Her friend.

Spike

Right.

Adam

One of the friends from which you so efficiently separated her.

Spike

Damn right I did! You should have seen 'em, they won't be talking to each other for a long, long- [pointed stare from Adam] -hang on, I think I might have detected a small flaw.

Adam

So you failed.

Spike

Well, hey, you're supposed to be so smart, but you let me plan this thing! [Adam glares] Well, let's not quibble about who failed who, the important thing is making sure the Slayer is where we want-

Adam

Go.

Spike

Gone. [Walks to the door] So, um, we'll do this chip thing when I get back?