Willow Rosenberg quotes from Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Willow

[to Buffy] Are you sure this thing called itself The First?

Buffy

Pretty sure. It claimed to be the original evil, the one that came before anything else.

Please, how many times have I heard that line in my demon days? "I'm so rotten, they don't even have a word for it. I'm bad. Baddy bad bad bad. Does it make you horny?" [everyone stares at her] Or terrified. Whatever.

Willow

Last time I tried using magic... the First, it turned it around on me, got inside. I felt it surging through me, every fibre of my being, pure undiluted evil. I could taste it.

Kennedy

How's evil taste?

Willow

A little chalky.

Buffy

Looks good, doesn't it? They're trapped in here. Terrified. Meat for the beast, and there's nothing they can do but wait. That's all they've been doing for days, waiting to be picked off, having nightmares about monsters that can't be killed. But I don't believe in that. I always find a way. I'm the thing that monsters have nightmares about. And right now, you and me are gonna show 'em why. It's time. Welcome to Thunderdome.

Andrew

Two men enter. One man leaves.

Dawn

This? You planned this. Letting the barrier fail, bringing us here. You and Buffy.

Rona

It's killing her!

We have to do something.

Willow

Wait.

Buffy

[after defeating the Turok-Han] See? Dust. Just like the rest of 'em. I don't know what's coming next, but I do know it's gonna be just like this: hard, painful. But in the end it's gonna be us. If we all do our parts, believe it, we'll be the ones left standing. Here endeth the lesson.

Willow

The smell will lead us to the potential.

Xander

Or some poor soul who ate too many chimichangas.

Kennedy

Let's start with the easy stuff. How long have you known... that you were gay?

Willow

Wait. That's easy? And what, you just assume that I'm gay. I mean, presume much?

Kennedy

Okay, sorry. How long have you enjoyed having sex with women?

Willow

Hey! What, you think you have some sort of special lesbo-dar or something?

Kennedy

Okay, you know there's a better word for that, right?

Buffy

[about a date with Principal Wood] Or it could be work-related. Maybe I'm getting promoted for doing such a good job.

Willow

[laughs heartily, then sees Buffy's look] Right, that makes sense too.

Buffy

Or maybe he knows I suspect he's up to something, and he's taking me out to kill me.

Willow

Well, you'll have to dress for the ambiguity.

Buffy

You know, it's not even that he's acting that suspicious. It's just - there he is. On the hell mouth. All day, every day. That's got to be like being showered with evil. Only from underneath.

Willow

Not really a shower.

Buffy

A bidet. Like a bidet of evil.

Willow

I'm gonna wait for that sentence to come around again before I jump on.

Willow

What happened?

Xander

What do you think happened? Another demon woman was attracted to me.

Xander

I've decided I'm turning gay. Willow, gay me up. Come on, let's gay.

Willow

What?

Xander

You heard me. Just tell me what to do. I'm mentally undressing Scott Bakula right now. That's a start, isn't it?

Andrew

[wistfully] Captain Archer... [nods]

Xander

Come on, let's get this gay show on the gay road. Help me out here.

Willow

Oh. Hey. Hi. Well, Buffy, I see our preparations for the... school... pep-dance-cheer-drill-contest are really coming along. "Bring it on!"

Buffy

Will, it's okay, he knows.

Willow

Oh, thank God. If I had to explain all these weapons? I had nothing.

Robin

Buffy tells me you have been, umm... oh, how shall I put it?... experimenting... [long embarrassed pause] ...with the magics.

Willow

Oh! Yeah. Oh, nothing too heavy, though. Just the lighter, safer stuff. Uh, if Kennedy asks, her pointy stuff's right there. See you inside. [to Buffy] So much cooler than Snyder!

Wood

[when Willow left] She really almost destroyed the world?

Buffy

Yep.

Willow

How you doing?

Buffy

Thanks for bringing me back... again.

Willow

Oh, it's what I do.

Buffy

I was hard on you guys today.

Willow

Oh, it's all right. You needed to be. Although, Twinkies and Kisses-- also peachy motivational tools. You okay?

Buffy

I think I made a mistake.

Willow

What?

Buffy

Those men that I met, you know, the shadowmen, they offered me more power, but I didn't like the loophole.

Willow

So you turned it down? It's okay, Buffy. We'll get by. We always do.

Buffy

I don't know. They showed me--

Willow

Showed you what?

Buffy

That the first Slayer was right. It isn't enough.

Willow

Why, Buffy? What did you see? What did they show you?

Xander

I might need a parrot.

Willow

Huh?

Xander

Well, to go with the eyepatch, to really complete the look. I think I still have that costume from Halloween.

Willow

Yeah, and don't underestimate the impact of a peg leg. Maybe the hospital can hook you up with a nice one. Maybe they have a two-body-parts-for-the-price-of-one kind of deal.

Xander

Oh, you know what the best part is? No one will ever make me watch "Jaws 3-D" again.

Buffy

I think it's maybe some kind of scythe. The only thing I know for sure is that it made Caleb back off in a hurry.

Willow

[to Giles] So it's true. Scythe matters.

Buffy

So, what do you guys wanna do tomorrow?

Willow

Nothing strenuous.

Xander

Well, mini-golf is always the first thing that comes to mind.

Giles

I think we can do better than that.

Buffy

I was thinking about shopping. As per usual.

Willow

Oh. There's an Arden B. in the new mall.

Xander

Oh, good. I could use a few items.

Giles

Well, now aren't we gonna discuss this? Save the world or go to the mall?

Buffy

I'm having a wicked shoe craving.

Xander

Aren't you on the patch?

Willow

Those never work.

Buffy

Never.

Giles

And here I am, invisible to the eye, not having any vote.

Xander

See, I need a new look. It's this whole eye patch thing.

Buffy

Oh, you could go with full black secret agent look.

Willow

Or the puffy shirt, pirate slash...

Giles

The Earth is definitely doomed.

Faith

Looks like the Hellmouth is officially closed for business.

Giles

There's another one in Cleveland, not to spoil the moment.

Xander

We saved the world.

Willow

We changed the world. I can feel them, Buffy. All over. Slayers are awakening everywhere.

Dawn

We'll have to find them.

Willow

We will.

Giles

Yes, because the mall was actually in Sunnydale, so there's no hope of going there tomorrow.

Dawn

We destroyed the mall? I fought on the wrong side.

Xander

All those shops gone. The Gap, Starbucks, Toys "R" Us. Who will remember all those landmarks unless we tell the world of them?

Giles

We have a lot of work ahead of us.

Faith

Can I push him in?

Willow

You've got my vote.

Faith

I just want to sleep, yo. For like a week.

Dawn

I guess we all could, if we wanted to.

Willow

Yeah. The First is scrunched, so... What do you think we should do, Buffy?

Faith

Yeah, you're not the one and only Chosen anymore. Just gotta live like a person. How's that feel?

Dawn

Yeah, Buffy. What are we gonna do now?

Buffy

I-I just... well, I-I wanna do...

Willow

[smiles knowingly] Better than Faith?

Buffy

[slightly embarrassed] So very shallow.

Willow

Competition is natural and healthy. Plus, you'll definitely ace her on the psych test. Just don't mark the box that says, "I sometimes like to kill people."

Well, look at me. I'm all fuzzy.

What do I want with you? Uh...

Your little school friend Anya said that you're the one that brought me here. She said that you could get me back to my world.

Oh. Oh! Oops!

But I don't know...I kinda like the idea of the two of us.

We could be quite a team, if you came around to my way of thinking.

Would that mean we have to snuggle?

What do you say?

Wanna be bad?

This just can't get more disturbing.

Ack! Ew! No more! You're really starting to freak me out!