Xander Harris quotes from Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Andrew

Ow! Watch it, that's my joystick hand.

Xander

I'm not gonna touch that one.

Buffy

You try anything, try to run---did you ever see the movie Misery?

Andrew

Six times. But the book was scarier than the movie, 'cause instead of crushing his foot with a sledgehammer, Kathy Bates chops it off with...

Andrew

I'll be good.

Willow

The smell will lead us to the potential.

Xander

Or some poor soul who ate too many chimichangas.

Andrew

Plucked from an ordinary life, handed a destiny

Xander

Say Skywalker, and I smack ya.

Andrew

It's like--well, it's almost like this metaphor for womanhood, isn't it? The sort of flowering that happens when a girl realizes that she's part of a fertile heritage stretching back to Eve, and-

Xander

I'll pay you to talk about Star Wars again.

Xander

They'll never know how tough it is, Dawnie, to be the one who isn't chosen. To live so near to the spotlight and never step in it. But I know. I see more than anybody realizes because nobody's watching me. I saw you last night. I see you working here today. You're not special. You're extraordinary.

Dawn

Maybe that's your power.

Xander

What?

Dawn

Seeing, knowing.

Xander

Maybe it is... Maybe I should get a cape.

I can't even figure out if I've got the right kind of rope.

Xander

That depends on what you need it for. Something like functional around the house, or, you know, recreational -- by which I mean, for example, boating or mountain climbing -- not for tying someone up for sexy, funky fun... In conclusion, rope can be useful in various ways.

Willow

What happened?

Xander

What do you think happened? Another demon woman was attracted to me.

Xander

I've decided I'm turning gay. Willow, gay me up. Come on, let's gay.

Willow

What?

Xander

You heard me. Just tell me what to do. I'm mentally undressing Scott Bakula right now. That's a start, isn't it?

Andrew

[wistfully] Captain Archer... [nods]

Xander

Come on, let's get this gay show on the gay road. Help me out here.

Xander

Well, yeah, but only because you kinda told us to. You're our leader, Buffy, as in "follow the".

Buffy

Well, from now on, I'm your leader as in "do what I say".

Xander

Jawohl. But let's not try to forget, we're also your friends.

I'm not.

Buffy

Then why are you here? Aside from getting rescued, what is that you do?

I provide much needed... sarcasm.

Xander

Um... that'd kinda be my job actually.

Xander

I've been through more battles with Buffy than you all can ever imagine. She's stopped everything that's ever come up against her. [Buffy and Faith walk in] She's laid down her life --- literally --- to protect the people around her. This girl has died two times, and she's still standing. You're scared? That's smart. You got questions? You should. But you doubt her motives, you think Buffy's all about the kill, then you take the little bus to battle... I've seen her heart, and this time, not literally. And I'm telling you, right now, she cares more about your lives than you will ever know. You gotta trust her. She's earned it.

Faith

Damn. I never knew you were that cool.

Buffy

Well, you always were a little slow.

Xander

I might need a parrot.

Willow

Huh?

Xander

Well, to go with the eyepatch, to really complete the look. I think I still have that costume from Halloween.

Willow

Yeah, and don't underestimate the impact of a peg leg. Maybe the hospital can hook you up with a nice one. Maybe they have a two-body-parts-for-the-price-of-one kind of deal.

Xander

Oh, you know what the best part is? No one will ever make me watch "Jaws 3-D" again.

Buffy

So, what do you guys wanna do tomorrow?

Willow

Nothing strenuous.

Xander

Well, mini-golf is always the first thing that comes to mind.

Giles

I think we can do better than that.

Buffy

I was thinking about shopping. As per usual.

Willow

Oh. There's an Arden B. in the new mall.

Xander

Oh, good. I could use a few items.

Giles

Well, now aren't we gonna discuss this? Save the world or go to the mall?

Buffy

I'm having a wicked shoe craving.

Xander

Aren't you on the patch?

Willow

Those never work.

Buffy

Never.

Giles

And here I am, invisible to the eye, not having any vote.

Xander

See, I need a new look. It's this whole eye patch thing.

Buffy

Oh, you could go with full black secret agent look.

Willow

Or the puffy shirt, pirate slash...

Giles

The Earth is definitely doomed.

Faith

Looks like the Hellmouth is officially closed for business.

Giles

There's another one in Cleveland, not to spoil the moment.

Xander

We saved the world.

Willow

We changed the world. I can feel them, Buffy. All over. Slayers are awakening everywhere.

Dawn

We'll have to find them.

Willow

We will.

Giles

Yes, because the mall was actually in Sunnydale, so there's no hope of going there tomorrow.

Dawn

We destroyed the mall? I fought on the wrong side.

Xander

All those shops gone. The Gap, Starbucks, Toys "R" Us. Who will remember all those landmarks unless we tell the world of them?

Giles

We have a lot of work ahead of us.

Faith

Can I push him in?

Willow

You've got my vote.

Faith

I just want to sleep, yo. For like a week.

Dawn

I guess we all could, if we wanted to.

Willow

Yeah. The First is scrunched, so... What do you think we should do, Buffy?

Faith

Yeah, you're not the one and only Chosen anymore. Just gotta live like a person. How's that feel?

Dawn

Yeah, Buffy. What are we gonna do now?

Xander!

Xander

Will, changing the look not an idle threat with you!

[smiling] You're alive.

Xander

Uh, Will, this is verging on naughty touching here, don't wanna fall back on bad habits - Hands! Hands in new places!

[revolted] You're alive.

Buffy

[approaches Xander and Vamp Willow] So, Xander, are you gonna introduce me to- [Vamp Willow turns to Buffy] Holy God, you're Willow.

[instantly hostile] You.

Buffy

[nervous, trying to be polite] You know what? I-I like the look. It's, um, it's extreme, but it, it, it looks good, you know, it's a... leather thing, and, uh... I said "extreme" already, right?