Buffy Summers quotes from Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Dawn

[of Buffy's bloodied hands] Um, I was gonna fix 'em... I don't know how they got like that.

Spike

I do. Clawed her way out of a coffin, that's how. Isn't that right?

Buffy

Yeah... That's what I had to do.

Spike

I've done it myself.

Buffy

OK, so you're telling me I'm broke?

Willow

Not yet, but-

Tara

Money's definitely becoming an issue.

Xander

As in you're being almost out of it.

Buffy

But I haven't spent any money! I was all... dead and frugal.

Dawn

So what do we do?

Buffy

Easy, we burn the house to the ground and collect the insurance. Plus, fire? Pretty. [The Scoobies look at Buffy in horror] You guys, I'm kidding. OK, it's bills, it's money, it's pieces of paper sent by bureaucrats that we've never even met. It's not like it's the end of the world... which is too bad, you know, 'cause that, I'm really good at.

Dawn

Oh, come on, Tara. I am so old enough to do research. Do you really think I'm not mature enough?

Tara

I think you're very mature for your age ... but you're still only fifteen.

Dawn

Right. Fifteen, as in teenager. You know, if you don't let me look at the pictures, I'm gonna learn everything I know about demons on the street.

Tara

[sighs and hands Dawn a book] Knock yourself out.

Dawn

Thank you. See? No biggie. I can totally handle it.

Dawn

That's a weird place for a horn... [stares at the page, then closes the book, shaken] That's not a horn.

Buffy

[seeing Dawn doing research] You do research now? Would you like a cappuccino and a pack of cigarettes to go with that?

Giles

It's, uh, you're...

Buffy

A miracle.

Giles

Yes. But then, I always thought so.

Giles

Well, I know I'm back in America now. I've been knocked unconscious.

Buffy

Who's calling me? Everybody I know lives here.

Dawn

I bet it's creditors. The hounding's begun. I read about it. So, you think we'll starve?

Giles

I very much doubt it.

Dawn

No chance I'd have to quit school to work assembling cheap toys in a poorly ventilated sweatshop?

Giles

Poorly ventilated... what have you been reading?

Buffy

This is gonna take forever, isn't it?

Not forever. Just a very long time. Here it is. Your first approximation of your spanking new debt.

Buffy

I've trashed this house so many times. How did Mom pay for this?

Xander

For starters, she saved money with this crappy-ass coffee table.

Well, there's always that charging option.

Buffy

No. I will definitely... probably not be doing that.

Giles

Well, I know I'm back in America now. I've been knocked unconscious. Thank you.

Buffy

Aw. Poor, lumpy Giles.

Tara

What do you think the demon wanted, anyway? Uh, aside from costing you a bundle?

Buffy

Don't know. Now he's way too dead to answer that question. I wish I know who hired him.

Willow

Ooh, I could do a locator spell. Or not.

Xander

That's it. It's been four hours. I'm calling it, people. This coffee table, it's gone. Damn it!

Dawn

Also, this lamp's in critical condition.

Willow

Well, uh, let's take these thing out to the trash and give 'em a decent throwin' out.

Giles

Buffy.

Buffy

I don't think I can do this.

Giles

Yes, you can. Your mother dealt with this sort of thing all the time. She took one crisis at a time, without the aid of any superpowers... and got through it all, so can you.

Buffy

You sure?

Giles

I'm positive.

Buffy

Who's calling me? Everybody I know lives here. I'll be back.

Dawn

I bet it's creditors. The hounding's begun. I read about it. So, you think we'll starve?

Giles

I very much doubt it.

Dawn

No chance I'd have to quit school to work assembling cheap toys in a poorly ventilated sweatshop?

Giles

Poorly ventilated... what have you been reading? Buffy, what is it?

Buffy

Angel.

Giles

Is he in trouble?

Buffy

He knows that I'm-- He-he needs to see me. I have to see him.

Giles

Well, of course. You-you'll leave for L.A. tomorrow.

Buffy

Not L.A. An-and not here. Somewhere in the middle. There's a place.

Giles

I see. Well, we should get these, uh, bills and things out of the way before--

Buffy

I have to go now. Oh. Um... Thanks for taking care of this for me.

Buffy

I don't really know how to say this, but it's a little like having Mom back.

Giles

In this scenario I am your mother?

Buffy

Wanna be my shiftless absentee father?

Giles

Is there some sort of, um, rakish uncle?

Buffy

I'm just saying, thank you. So much.

Giles

Buffy, a word in your ear. If you think of the store as a library, it'll help you concentrate on your service rather than selling.

Buffy

Yes. And then I'm going to marry Bob Dole and raise penguins in Guam.

Giles

[Cleaning his glasses and not really listening] Yes, quite, yes.

Buffy

What happened to Xander?

Giles

He kept poking me with his hook. I sent him over to Charmed Objects. With any luck, he'll poke the wrong one and end up in an alternative dimension inhabited by a fifty-foot Giles that squishes annoying teeny pirates.

Buffy

[softly] Did you know about this?

Giles

No. Unless I blocked it from my memory, much as I will Xander's vigorous use of his tongue.

Buffy

[shocked] Is that why you're always cleaning your glasses? So you won't have to see what we're doing?

Giles

Tell no one.

Buffy

Were you parking? With a vamp?

Dawn

I didn't know he was dead.

Living dead.

Dawn

Shut up.

Buffy

How did you not know?

Dawn

I just met him.

Buffy

Oh, so you were parking with a boy you just met?

We've seen each other at parties.

Buffy

Shut up.

Dawn

Oh, like you've never fallen for a vampire?

Buffy

That was different.

Dawn

It always is when it's you.

Uh, excuse me! Can we fight now?

Buffy

Didn't anyone come here just to make out? [one couple raises their hands] Oh, that's sweet. [points at couple] You run, [points at another vampire] you scream.

She came from the grave much graver.

Spike

First he'll kill her, then I'll save her.

Tara

Everything is turning out so dark.

Buffy

Going through the motions...

Spike

No, I'll save her, then I'll kill her.

Willow

I think this line's mostly filler...

Giles

What's it gonna take to strike a spark?

Buffy

These endless days are finally ending in a blaze

And we are caught in the fire

Buffy

So, uh, no research? Nothing going on? Monsters or whatnot? Good! Good. Uh, so, did anybody...uh...last night, you know, did anybody, um...burst into song?

Xander

Merciful Zeus!

Willow

We thought it was just us!

Giles

Well, I sang, but I had my guitar at the hotel...

Tara

It was bizarre. We were talking, and then it was like -

Buffy

...Like you were in a musical.

Tara

Yeah!

Giles

...That would explain the huge backing orchestra I couldn't see and the synchronized dancing from the room service chaps...

Willow

We did a whole duet about dish washing.

Tara

And we were arguing and, and then everything rhymed and there were harmonies and a dance with coconuts.

Dawn

You want me to name you?

Buffy

Oh, that's sweet, but I think I can name myself. I'll name me... "Joan".

Dawn

Ugh.

What? Did you just "ugh" my name?

Dawn

No, I just... I mean, Joan, it's so blah.

I like it. I feel like a "Joan".

Dawn

Fine, that's your purgative.

"Prerogative".

Dawn

Whatever, Joan.

Whatever, Umad.

[unison.] Boy, you're a pain in the... / Boy, you're bossy!

Dawn

Do you think we're-

Buffy

Sisters?

Spike

[watching them hug] [to Giles] You never showed me affection like that... [Giles looks at him, bewildered] I'd wager.

I kill your kind.

And I bite yours. So why don't I want to bite you?

I must be a vampire with a soul. I'm a good guy on a mission of redemption. I help the helpless!

A vampire with a soul? Oh, my God! How lame is that?