Brooklyn Nine-Nine quotes

Diaz

Deputy Chief Wuntch is here to see you.

Holt

Oh, please stay, Diaz. I need a witness in case her head starts spinning around or she turns into a she-wolf.

Hello, Raymond.

Holt

No flaccid rejoinder? Hm. What's going on?

I'm here on important business. I'm a front-runner for a job in the Boston P.D.

Holt

Boston? But it's so close to Salem. You do know what they do to witches up there, don't you?

Diaz

This is amazing.

The job is Chief of Police.

Holt

I see. So you've come to brag.

No. The only blemish on my record is our long history of interpersonal turbulence. The Boston Commissioner would like to speak to you about it. I've... come to ask for your help. The Commissioner will be calling y-

Holt

Wait- shhhhhhhhhh..... Oh, moment savored. So, where were we? Ah, yes- you were talking about how I hold your fate in the palm of my hand.

Okay, it was cocaine. Turns out I was accidentally doing some cocaine.

Jake

Not on accident; you put it in your nose on purpose.

I don't think I have a nose, Peralta. I most certainly cannot feel it! The defense rests!

Leave it to the NYPD to screw up being hostages. I thought cops loved to sit around all day on their fat asses and do nothing.

Terry

That's it.

[Jumps back in fear] Whoah!

Terry

MY ASS IS NOT FAT!

Terry

Okay. Personal photos are down, kitchen is spotless and I got the silver-painted breakdancer outside to move his very loud boombox elsewhere.

Diaz

You beat him in a dance-off?

Terry

No. I destroyed him. There's absolutely nothing here that will set off Holt.

Scully

Oh! Oh! I was trying to cook my oatmeal with a road flare but it caught on fire!

Terry

Why are you using a road flare?!

Hitchcock

You said the kitchen was off-limits!

Scully

Yeah, this is your fault, Sarge.

Terry

Give me that. [takes the road flare]

Terry

[still stomping out the oatmeal] I'm just... holding a road flare... stepping on some oatmeal... Just doing me.

Holt

I can't believe that you, of all people, are my biggest problem today, Jeffords. [leaves]

Boyle

Come on, guys. I grew a goatee and it looks amazing and I know you can see it.

Diaz

Of course we can see it, Charles. It's horrible.

Gina

It looks like you unclogged a shower drain with your mouth.

Jake

Yeah, you look exactly like the guy in the "Don't talk to strangers" poster.

Boyle

No, I don't.

Holt

Are you talking about your new goatee? I think it's a good choice for your face. Come over here so I can take a better look.

Boyle

[walking over to Holt] Thank you, captain. I knew you'd appreciate Bianca. [to the bullpen] That's right, I call her Bianca because she's dark and thick like my first cousin Bianca.

Holt

[puts on glasses, examines Boyle's goatee] Jeffords, Peralta. Now.

Jake

Say goodbye to Bianca, Boyle. [reveals an electric razor and turns it on]

Boyle

Bianca! NOOOOO!

Scully

It's interesting. This Orsk guy's name keeps cropping up in this case.

Boyle

Because he's the victim. He's the guy whose window was smashed with this rock. Okay? He's being extorted for $10,000.

Hitchcock

Sure, but what do they want from him?

Boyle

$10,000. I just said that. We're trying to figure out who's doing the threatening.

Scully

Wait. I have a theory. I think "limousine" and "magazine" come from the same word.

Boyle

Just focus! Sorry for snapping. I interviewed Orsk-

Scully

Orsk! There it is again!

Boyle

Oh, you're useless! You're completely useless! You are without a doubt the most incompetent detectives I've ever seen! And I'm including that bomb-sniffing dog, who humps all the bombs!

Jake

Where were you? You were gone for three hours. I know because I sang "This Is How We Do It" 143 times.

Okay, well, I had to grab a few things at the art supply store. Kidnapping is 90% crafting. Jake, you're gonna help me get my life back. You're gonna confess on video to framing me for everything that got me in trouble.

Jake

And why would I do that?

Because I'm high on bath salts, emotionally unstable, and pointing a gun at you!

Jake

Let's make a movie!

Gina

Oh, no. Despite what I've been saying for years, that ass just might quit.

Jake

Well, I think we handled that with dignity. [The vending machine slips from the dolly and hits the floor, shattering the glass on its front.] FREE CANDY!

Holt

I'm not going anywhere. Madeline's not some invincible succubus. She's a regular succubus and can be defeated. We just need to find the letter.

Terry

What letter?

Holt

Before our current policy commissioner was hired, a mutual friend told me Madeline wrote a letter to the mayor telling him it was a mistake. She apparently called her now-boss a quote "simpering buffoon" unquote.

Gina

Amateur, always say your insults to someone's face, no paper trail.

Holt

A copy of that letter exists in the mayor's archives. I can't go snooping around without alerting Madeline, so it won't be easy, and we don't have much timeout I need you to find that letter

I've thought it over, and perhaps you should go ahead and show the letter to the Commissioner.

Holt

And let him fire you?

I'll deny I wrote it. It will take months to authenticate, which will give me plenty of time to make some personnel changes around here. There's an opening for a detective down in Brighton Beach; I think I'll transfer Diaz there. Detective Boyle, I'll send to Long Island City. Santiago will be a great fit for Pelham Bay. And Peralta? Your little pet project? I'm gonna ship him off to Staten Island. Hope he likes breaking up tanning salon fistfights. Looks like you've got a decision to make, Raymond. What're you gonna do?

Holt

Squad, if I could have your attention, please? I'm being transferred to the Public Relations office; I'm leaving the 9-9 effective immediately.

Amy

What the hell?

Jake

I don't understand.

Amy

What the hell?!

Boyle

Why are you doing this?

Amy

What the hell?!

Holt

I want to say it has been a pleasure to have worked alongside all of you for the past 21-and-a-half months. I'm sorry for getting so emotional.

Jake

Pretty consistent tone, actually.

Holt

[Visibly emotional] These have been the... These have been the best years of my career.

Jake

Oh, no. This is new.

Holt

And I know that... every one of you... gave me everything you had. And I will never forget it.

Jake

Go back to being robot, Captain!

Holt

Meep-morp. Zeep! [Clears throat] Dismissed.

Gina

Captain! I'm coming with you.

Holt

Thank you, Gina.

Scully

I'm also coming!

Holt

Not necessary.

Hello. I'm your new commanding officer, Captain Seth Dozerman. My motto is simple: efficiency, efficiency, efficiency.

Jake

Could probably just say it once.

Are you making fun of my stutter?

Jake

Oh. Uh-

Tricked you! I don't have a stutter. Boom! I've already established my authority through my amazing sense of humor.

Terry

Well done, sir. Welcome to the 9-9. I'm Sergeant Terry Jeffords.

And I'm not interested. I have no use for people. I find people weird and confusing. I live my life by numbers. You see this watch? It tells be how many calories I burn at any time. Question- how many calories do you think I burned walking from there to there? [Points from the elevator to where he is standing, then addresses Amy.] You, female closest to me.

Amy

Oh! Uh, three?

Three?! Haaaa ha-ha-ha! Try 0.8, numbnuts! I made promises to my superiors that I most certainly cannot keep. That's why I need you idiots to work twice as hard- no, no! Strike that! Four times as hard! No, no no! Strike that! I NEED YOU MORONS TO WORK EIGHT TIMES HARDER THAN YOU'VE EVER WORKED, IN YOUR ENTIRE LIVES! I'm having a heart attack. Yep, I'm havin' a heart attack. [Falls to his knees] Get back to work. [Falls to the floor and passes out.]

Terry

Get a doctor!

Jake

So, here we are... officially on a date. Romantical date...

Amy

Yes, we are. No longer just colleagues... Dating. [pause] You got a haircut. It looks nice.

Jake

Oh, thanks. You also got a haircut... At some point in your life, I'm sure, that's not your baby hair. That would be crazy. But, uh, you look very nice.

Amy

Domo Arigato.

Jake

Do you speak Japanese?

Amy

No.

Jake

Oh. Uh... Sorry. I think I'm feeling a little awkward.

Amy

[somewhat relieved] Yeah, me too.

Jake

How do we make it not weird?

Amy

I know - let's just get super drunk.

Jake

Yes! Great idea! [to the waitress] Ma'am, could you please bring us four kamikaze shots?

Amy

And four for me as well.

Jake

Ah, I like your style. See, we can do this. We're back on track. We're keeping it light and breezy!

Jake

So, we broke a rule.

Amy

Yeah. I hope it wasn't a mistake.

Jake

"I hope it wasn't a mistake," title of your sex tape? [gasps] Title of our sex tape!

[On a tablet program displaying his face and a timer] Warning! You are 43 minutes behind!

Terry

I know! Get off my back, computer ghost!

Diaz

Why are you still playing with that stupid game, Sarge? The guy's dead!

Terry

It's not a game. I'm following our captain's orders.

Diaz

His orders were stupid. I hated him more than any cop I've ever known. Whoah... I just realized I'm never gonna be able to say that to his face. I mean, I can say it to his wife at the funeral, but it won't be the same.

Holt

Huh. Strange to be on this side of the desk.

What? Oh, right, you used to work here. You know I've made a lot of improvements since you left? I got a fridge for my protein shakes, I got a kettle bell station, I got a wolf that I killed in Utah. [Points to different spots in the office, then to a cardboard box. Holt looks in the box.]

Holt

I'm fairly certain that's a dog.

Yeah, it was dark.