TV show quotes
Genevieve, I know we just met, and I don't wanna be too forward...
Charles.
Sometimes you just get a feeling about a person!
Charles.
I've got that feeling about you. I like you. I think tonight we-
Charles, look down!
[Boyle looks down and notices Genevieve is wearing handcuffs.]
Oh... shoot.
They just gave me ten years in prison.
[Genevieve leaves with the escorting police officers; Boyle turns back to Jake.]
She didn't say no!
I have a few questions about a beautiful client of yours, Genevieve Mirren-Carter.
She got hit by a tow truck and sued the driver?
No, she was accused of insurance fraud.
Oh, good, because I blew that tow truck case. Straight-up forgot to go to court.
You were workin' a case! I frickin' knew it; you're a liar!
And you! You can't do anything except disobey orders and screw up!
I'm disappointed, too, Ray.
No one cares, Bob. And after all your so-called detective work you didn't even get the right guy! Raymond, Raymond, Raymond-
It was an error, but-
Do not interrupt me! Raymond, Raymond, Raymond, Raymond- seven times, once for every day your juicy, insubordinate ass is suspended.
Same goes for you, Peralta, 'cept for the juicy ass part, 'cause your ass is stupid.
Now get the hell outta my office!
[Jake and Holt leave Wuntch's office, but Jake stops once they're outside.]
Wait a minute, sir. You know what? Screw this!
[Jake confidently goes back into Wuntch's office but comes back seconds later.]
It's ten days now. Shouldn't have gone back in.
[After Jake and Holt catch the serial killer known as the Oolong Slayer.]
Thank you, Peralta.
What're you thanking me for? You're the one who showed up and stopped him from shooting me in my beautiful face.
For giving me one last chance to be a real cop, before going back to a lifetime of- PR drivel.
Sir, we just caught a serial killer! I've wanted this since I was four years old!
That's troubling.
We did something special here. I'm honored our names will appear together on the arrest report.
No, no. I think you should take sole credit. Wuntch will only use it to sink me. I'm glad your dream came true, Peralta. Now, if you'll excuse me... the drivel calls.
[Holt and Gina have been transferred back to the 99th Precinct, and Boyle and Holt are riding the elevator as they come in to work. The doors open and everyone but them is dressed up for Halloween.]
Seriously, no costume?
What the hell, Charles? Where's your Halloween spirit?
But- you guys always make fun of me!
I have never once insulted you in my life! Especially vis a vis your appearance!
Yeah, man. We always love your costumes.
Remember last year? When you came as that... person, and/or thing?
Yes! I do remember! [Turns to Holt] Sir. Permission to sprint to my car and get my emergency costume.
[Shrugs] Does it matter if I say no?
[Already racing back to the elevator] No!
[Five minutes later; Boyle is faced away from the doors as the elevator opens, dressed in an Elvis Presley costume.]
A bam-bam, boom! [Turns around dramatically, then walks out of the elevator; everyone is dressed normally.] What the- what-?
Why are you dressed up? You look like an idiot.
But uh- but uh-
Yeah, what're you supposed to be? A sassy car mechanic?
No! He is clearly the rejected Pop-Tarts mascot, Harry Pop-Tart!
Squad, that's enough. You're making Boyle feel bad on purpose. He's Elvis!
Yes!
Elvis Stojko, the Canadian figure skater!
NO!
Hey, Gina. Would you do me a favor?
Yes! Thank you for asking. I did not feel like doing this work right now.
[Gina shoves the papers she was writing on off her desk and into the trash can.]
Oh. Those look like important papers.
What's up? How can I help?
Well, when I was a kid, I invented a magnetic flashlight clip so I could read under the covers. This clip and I went all around the world together. The Shire, Sweet Valley High, Terabithia...
But never to a friend's house, huh?
Uncalled for. Anyway, I realized that this could be really helpful for police work, so I made an appointment with the head of NYPD purchasing. I need to sell him on it, but I'm afraid I might come across a little... boring.
[Gasps] Amy, are you asking me to "She's all that" you?
I didn't read that. But if it's about helping out a friend, then yes, please! "She's all that" me.
Okay. But if we're gonna do this, we're gonna do it my way. First I'm gonna need to break you down into nothin', and then build you back up piece by piece.
Well, the meeting's tomorrow.
Well, we'll just break you down to nothin' and see what time it is.
I gotta say, the Chinese know how to make a terrible Scotch.
They certainly do. Ugh. It's bad. Gets you drunk, though.
Well, I found all the worms. They're eating a fox corpse in the outhouse.
Speaking of which, I'm getting hungry. What's for dinner?
Dinner? Ha ha ha! Yes! Of course, dinner!
Did you not pack any food?
There's fresh fox.
Oh, it's not fresh.
[Jake has called Gina, Terry, Diaz, and Boyle into the break room.]
Scully has a mason jar full of lemonade.
You called us in here to tell us that?
No, I called you in here to change your lives! For you see, not five minutes ago, Hitchcock introduced me to his new goldfish, who lives in-
[Looks out the break room window and gasps] An identical mason jar!
Oh... this isn't gonna end well.
There are two possible outcomes, and we're gonna bet on which one happens first. Will Hitchcock put fish food in Scully's lemonade, or will Scully drink Hitchcock's goldfish? Now, you would think that putting fish food into lemonade-
Hitchcock just drank his own fish.
What?! NOOOOOOOOOOO!
Hey, Gina! I need a top secret favor. Sharon has come to the precinct and I need your help.
Uh, it better not be pregnancy related, 'cause that crap is nasty.
The miracle of life?
Dress it up however you want; that's some disgusting animal kingdom nonsense.
Okay, don't worry about Sharon, I'll take care of her. I've got everything she needs. Pillow, blanket, copy of Breast Feeders magazine, which, now that I say it out loud, sounds like porn. [Flips through the magazine] Yep, it is.
So what do you need me for?
Keeping Captain Holt away from her. Terry says he gets very awkward near Sharon.
Mm, that's one way to put it.
[In a flashback, Terry and Sharon encounter Holt inside the precinct]
Ah, Sharon, nice to see you! You look so big, like a mighty truck.
Well, Sharon is happy, and Captain Holt has no idea where she is.
Damn, we are good at stashing pregnant ladies! [High-fives Jake] Uh!
Guys? My water just broke.
Don't worry about that, we'll just get you another one- oh, you mean your body water! That's much worse!
[Examining smuggled diamonds] Why do people like these things? They're just shiny rocks.
[As Jake approaches their desk] Oh, come here, come here, come here! You need to see this! I'm about to give Captain Holt his gift.
Oh? Did he lift his no gift policy?
No, he didn't, but I figured out a way to buy him something and trick him into accepting it.
You are bad.
I know, right! Oh, wait, you're making fun of me.
Mm-hmm
Well, I don't care. He would never open a gift, right? But, what if his gift didn't look like a gift?
He would open it?
Exactly! I left it in a cardboard box on his desk. There's no card, just the words "Open Now" which I wrote with my wrong hand, so he wouldn't recognise my handwriting! [Holt passes them] Captain!
Santiago. Peralta.
Sir... So, just to recap, you left an unmarked package on a police captain's desk, on a random Monday with a suspicious message written on it that looked like it was scrawled by a crazy person?
Mm-hmm
[exiting his office quickly] Bomb! There's a bomb! Everyone out! [There is mass panic as everyone rushes for the exit. Rosa presses an alarm] Let's go, let's go! This is not a drill! Let's go!
[sarcastically, to an aghast Amy] Great gift, babe!
[Boyle's ex-wife Eleanor has just visited the precinct and is threatening to destroy Boyle's stored sperm unless he illegally gets her out of going to court for hitting a man with her car.]
Damn. She can't do that! Can she do that?
Okay, stay calm. We're gonna talk to a lawyer and get a professional opinion.
[Cut to Peralta and Boyle sitting in front of a lawyer's desk]
Damn! I can't believe you signed this contract! The sperm is her legal possession. It also says that she, and I quote, [flips to the second page and points] "Owns your dignity." You initialed right next to that!
All right, all right! Looks good! Can barely tell you hulked out in here.
Yeah, two weeks in charge, and I didn't get any of my goals accomplished.
You got Hitchcock and Scully off their hunger strike.
I just threw a bunch of popcorn on the floor. It wasn't that hard.
Yeah, they're animals. Do you wanna know why the amazing Captain Holt has never gotten the evidence room cleaned or done anything on your list?
Why?
Because all day long, he's putting out fires. That's what a captain does. The only difference between you and Holt is that he lacks the strength to close a door so hard a room blows up.
Thanks, Gina.
Oh, you don't have to thank me. All I did was be the only person who believes in you.
Don't lean against the door. Terry caused structural damage.
My God, you're strong.
Peralta, it's no coincidence you're on this ship. You won a free cruise without entering a contest; how do you think that happened?
I don't know. Maybe it's because I bought Speed 2 on DVD and the internet figured out that cruises are one of my interests!
Great film. Sandy B. in a sarong. [He and Jake bump fists] But the tics are all me. I brought you here because I'm in peril.
Pfft. Peril.
Don't "Pfft" my peril!
Pfft.
Somebody's tryin' to kill me, and I need protection. So I sent for my best friend.
I am not your best friend. I'm your worst enemy! Get that through your head!
[To Amy] It's this kind of bickering that makes us such an adorable couple.
Whatever, Judy! You're under arrest!
You can't arrest me, boo! We're in international waters. Which is why I can smoke as much weed as I want. Welcome, to the high seas.
No. No way that that's true. Amy, tell me I can arrest him right now.
Judy's right, we have no jurisdiction. Technically this boat flies under the flag of Uzbekistan.
Uh-oh! Your girl knows about the Uzbeks!
But the captain can have him arrested; he has total authority on this boat.
Perfect; captains love me. Just wait until he or she finds out they're employing a criminal.
[Cut to the three of them standing out on deck with the captain.]
Yeah, about forty percent of the crew are criminals.
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