Charles Boyle quotes from Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Hey there, Boyle. How's your weekend?

Boyle

Well, actually, I got a little sick.

Oh, really? I'm sorry to hear that, man.

Boyle

Yeah, well, Bullets Over Broadway was on TV. I came down with a big old Dianne Wiest infection.

[stares impassively]

Boyle

[continues to smile]

[stares impassively]

Boyle

[continues to smile] ...Like YEAST!

View quote →

So the foot massage place reported $7 million in profit last year. To make that much they'd have had to massage 100 feet an hour, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, for the entire year.

Boyle

Damn it! We have to shut them down.

Wait. Let's not be hasty about this. Let's think this through. We wanna be smart about this.

Boyle

Right. What if we bust them tonight, and then tomorrow, I'm chasing a murderer, and I'm about to get him and my foot cramps up?

Due to lack of massaging.

Boyle

Then the murderer gets away!

Know who he kills next? The Mayor.

Boyle

Oh, my God. The City has no mayor now.

It's chaos. Rioting, looting, panic in the streets.

Boyle

They gotta call in the National Guard, there's tanks rolling down Fifth Avenue, declaring martial law!

All because we shut down a foot massage place.

Boyle

That was doing God's work! What were we thinking?

So it's agreed. We let them stay open, for the sake of the city.

Boyle

For the sake of the city.

[They sit for a few moments.]

We have to do our stupid jobs, don't we?

Boyle

Yeah, let me get my stupid gun.

View quote →

NYPD! Get down on the comfortable matted floor!

Boyle

Put your magical hands where I can see them!

You're under arrest for ruining something perfect!

Boyle

And money laundering.

Yes, money laundering! Whatever!

View quote →

VVeronica

All right, everyone. As you know, the NYPD intends to shutter one precinct in Brooklyn. I'll be evaluating the 9-9 and sending my findings to the Deputy Commissioner. Any questions?

Terry

Yeah. Veronica, are you sure you're the best person for the job, given your and my...

Boyle

Sexual past?

Terry

[visibly annoyed] Thank you, Detective Boyle.

VVeronica

Sergeant Jeffords, don't be silly. I won't let our past interfere with my assessment in any way, whatsoever.

Holt

Well, that's certainly good to hear.

VVeronica

I mean, sure, it took me years of intense therapy to get over, and it's given me a fear of intimacy that has affected every subsequent relationship. But that does not mean that I cannot remain unbiased.

The way you say that, it kind of makes it sound like you actually are biased.

VVeronica

[Menacingly] I have no idea what you mean. That is all.

View quote →

[The detectives are meeting at a bar after the 99th Precinct was saved at the last minute]

Holt

Apparently the community came to our aid. There was a swell of online support orchestrated by an organization called "Ginazone".

I think you mean "Ginazon". I was behind the bar the whole time. Another great Gina Linetti entrance.

BBartender

I told you- you can't be back here.

And I told you- I already am!

What did you do?

I was live-streaming a prank when Captain Holt made his big speech about how you did the right thing for the city. I guess people were moved, they were like, "What can we do to help?" and I said "Call the Commissioner's office."

The G-Hive is real! I can't believe you did it! Gina, you're a legend! To the Nine-Nine!

HTHolt, Terry, Scully, Hitchcock, Amy, Diaz, Boyle

To the Nine-Nine!

[Everyone drinks the toast but immediately spits out the beer bottles' contents.]

[live-streaming the prank with her phone] Y'ALL JUST DRANK CEMEEEEENT!

View quote →

Boyle

[after seeing Amy with an unusual hairdo] Jake, what's going on? Why is Amy's hair like that?

Oh, she obsessively braids her hair when she's nervous, and she's super nervous 'cause she's taking the sergeant's exam today.

View quote →

I'm so confused. I don't know what's happening right now.

"I'm so confused I don't know what's happening right now": title of your sex tape.

"Oh, my God, I'm shaking. I'm definitely gonna cry. [grins] Title of your sex tape. [beat] Wait, is this really happening? Is this part of the heist? If this is part of the heist, I will dump you so hard.

No, please, Ames, look, it's really happening, okay? It's not part of the heist. I promise, this is real.

It is?

Yeah. Okay, here it goes. Ames, I love you. I love how smart you are. I love how beautiful you are. I love your face, and I love your butt. I should've written this down first.

No, no, it's okay. Go on.

I love how much you pretend to like Die Hard.

I like the second one.

You don't have to. You're kind, and you're funny, and you're the best person I know, and the best detective. [pause] Also, for reals, I love your butt.

I love yours too.

Gross. [chuckles] Amy Santiago, will you marry me?

Jake Peralta, I will marry you.

[They kiss]

I love you so much.

Charles

[busting into the evidence room] Hey, jerkos, this little Tramp escaped, so that ought to teach... [notices Jake's ring box] D-did you just...? [Jake nods] And did you say...? [Amy nods whilst showing her ring]

[Charles hyperventilates and faints]

View quote →

Boyle

Gina, what the hell?

New phone, who dis?

Boyle

You can't do that in person. It's Charles! Boyle, your co-worker.