Jake Peralta quotes from Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Jake

Ocampo got away. [Looks at one of the two men Diaz has caught] What happened to him?

Diaz

Dumb-dumb tried to jump down the stairs. Shattered his ankle. Foot's all floppy.

Jake

Great. Let's get 'em back to the 9-9, see if Floppy Foot and his friend know where our man's hiding.

They don't know anything. They're undercover cops.

Diaz

Crap, that's Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins.

Jake

I know; she's literally my hero. Hello, Lieutenant Hawkins!

You idiots just ruined a three-month operation.

Jake

My name is Detective Ignatius Pettyfeather IX! That's I-G- [Hawkins gives him a look of disgust and walks away.] Nacious...

Diaz

This place is awesome. I've always wanted to work in a covert facility.

Jake

I know; we're in a black site, Rosa. I bet they have some awesome name for it.

Welcome to The Slaughterhouse.

Jake

Told ya. Hey, listen- we know you told us to stop looking for Ocampo, but we figured we'd find him for you, try and make things right.

It's all good. I'm not mad. I checked out your files; you guys do good stuff. I think you guys might be our best option at finding this guy again. You think you can do that?

Diaz

Can a paring knife remove a human heart in under a minute?

Yes. I've seen it happen.

Jake

Lucky.

So, why don't you both come back tomorrow and we'll start working this together? And who knows- if you find the guy, I got an open spot on my squad. Maybe one of you could fill it.

Jake

Or, maybe one of us could fill it.

Excuse me?

Jake

What you said, better. Rosa, leave now?

Diaz

What's up?

Jake

So, not sure if Paxton told you, but we brought in a perp earlier.

Diaz

Good-looking guy, weird energy.

Yeah, did you get anything?

Jake

No, he didn't know jack. But we surprisingly noticed that there was a camera in the room.

Diaz

And we really need that footage.

Why?

Jake

Let's just say, in the course of questioning him, he may have accidentally fallen down a couple of times.

Diaz

He's real clumsy.

Jake

If the wrong person saw that tape, they might get the wrong idea.

You know, I saw the tape. And it was shocking- how clumsy that guy actually was.

Jake

Right?

And you know the funny thing is, I meant to save the file, but I deleted it by accident.

Diaz

Guess we're all a little clumsy.

Jake

Yes, indeed. I stepped on my omelette this morning. Not pertinent. Let's continue with our covert conversation.

You know, a bunch of us are going out drinking tonight. You wanna come?

Jake

I should warn you- me and Rosa go pretty hard.

Great; bring some coke.

NYPD! Hands up! Weapons down!

Jake

Great work, boys. We're cops. Wait, where's Captain Holt?

Who's Captain Holt? I don't know a Captain Holt.

Jake

We're NYPD officers; this is an undercover operation.

That's a lie, Peralta. You're the Golden Gang. We've been onto you for weeks, and we finally got you.

Jake

Hawkins? How did you get over there? Who are they?

You tell me. They're your crew.

They got us, Jake. It's over.

Jake

I've never seen them before! What is going on?

Good job, everyone! We finally got the Golden Gang! [Approaches Jake, turns him around to handcuff him] I can't believe you thought you were gonna take me down.

Jake

You're not gonna get away with this!

Oh, I already did. And Captain Holt won't be able to get you out of this one.

Amy

Paris sounds fun! Or, we could just go someplace we can actually afford.

Jake

Oh, we can afford it. Don't forget I robbed a bank. Sitting on $26 million, baby!

[Stops while walking by] Excuse me?

Amy

He's kidding!

Jake

Yeah, I'm innocent. Not guilty. I'll see you when we get in there. [Marinovich gives him a strange look and leaves.] Nice talking to you, Judge...

Amy

Jake! Jake! This was a mistake; we have to get Langdon off the stand now!

Jake

What? Why?

[Questioning Matthew Langdon, who is on the witness stand] And how would you describe the Lieutenant?

Amy

He works for Hawkins! He put the money in the accounts!

Jake

Oh, no.

Melanie Hawkins was the most honorable cop I ever worked with. And the only reason that I am here is because of that man- Jake Peralta. He offered me $300,000 to lie and say that she set 'em up.

Jake

[To Diaz] Okay, this is bad. This is really bad. But just remember: we are not going to jail. We didn't do it. We're innocent.

Guilty on all charges.

At least you still have people who want to see you. My family hasn't been here to see me since the trial. You eat nine people, and all of a sudden they "don't know who you are anymore".

Jake

Wait... What? Did you say "eat people"? Are you a cannibal, Caleb?

Well, that's not how I would define myself. If we're going by what I'm most passionate about, I'm a woodworker.

Amy

Jake, I'm always gonna be one step ahead of you. You've lost the ability to surprise me. Ya just plain boring.

Jake

Again, weird take on a very loving relationship.

Amy

And it's midnight, so I guess I'm an amazing human/genius.

Jake

Yeah. Although you might wanna read the inscription on that there belt.

Amy

Why? Oh, no, what does it say? [reads inscription] "Amy Santiago, will you marry me?"

Jake

Surprise.

Amy

I'm so confused. I don't know what's happening right now.

Jake

"I'm so confused I don't know what's happening right now": title of your sex tape.

Amy

"Oh, my God, I'm shaking. I'm definitely gonna cry. [grins] Title of your sex tape. [beat] Wait, is this really happening? Is this part of the heist? If this is part of the heist, I will dump you so hard.

Jake

No, please, Ames, look, it's really happening, okay? It's not part of the heist. I promise, this is real.

Amy

It is?

Jake

Yeah. Okay, here it goes. Ames, I love you. I love how smart you are. I love how beautiful you are. I love your face, and I love your butt. I should've written this down first.

Amy

No, no, it's okay. Go on.

Jake

I love how much you pretend to like Die Hard.

Amy

I like the second one.

Jake

You don't have to. You're kind, and you're funny, and you're the best person I know, and the best detective. [pause] Also, for reals, I love your butt.

Amy

I love yours too.

Jake

Gross. [chuckles] Amy Santiago, will you marry me?

Amy

Jake Peralta, I will marry you.

Amy

I love you so much.

Charles

[busting into the evidence room] Hey, jerkos, this little Tramp escaped, so that ought to teach... [notices Jake's ring box] D-did you just...? [Jake nods] And did you say...? [Amy nods whilst showing her ring]

Jake Peralta

A permit to throw a block party? We don't even have to break the law! This is fantastic news!

Raymond Holt

I am not giving Seamus Murphy that permit. He only wants to use the block party as a cover for something criminal. A robbery, a murder or something worse.

Jake Peralta

You don't know that for sure. And that's your loophole.

Raymond Holt

I don't believe in loopholes.

Jake Peralta

What? Loopholes are the best. Remember that time when Pancake Palace had that all-you-can-eat deal, but they didn't set a time limit? I ate pancakes for a week for $3.99, all I had to do was sleep there and never shower.

[outraged] What!? Thanks for the invite, friend!

Holt

This is one of several designated areas where you can stand upright during the day. You can move about freely in this square.

Jake

Wow... so we have all this room to work in?

Holt

Your hand can be seen from the living room window. You just killed Kevin.

Raymond...

Holt

I can't hear you Kevin, you're dead. [to Jake] He bled out in your lap. How will you break the news to me? Let's see.

Jake

We don't have to do this...

Holt

Ah, detective Peralta, how are things going with Kevin, the love of my life? Wait, why are you here at this late hour? And whose blood is that?

Jake

Okay, I get it...

Holt

It's Kevin's? This is devastating, I'm inconsolable. And... [snaps fingers] I've killed myself.

Jake

Cool. Well, I can see this is going to be a fun couple of months.

Jake

So, do you recognize any of these men?

I was hiding in the bathroom stall, so I didn't see his face. But I heard him. He was singing along to the music at the bar.

Jake

Do you remember what he was singing?

I think it was that song, "I Want It That Way".

Jake

Backstreet Boys. I'm familiar. Okay. [presses intercom] Number one, could you please sing the opening to "I Want It That Way"?

Really? Okay. [singing] You are my fire...

Jake

Number two, keep it going.

The one desire...

Jake

Number three.

Believe when I say...

Jake

Number four.

I want it that way.

Jake

[singing] Tell me why!

Ain't nothing but a heartache...

Jake

Tell me why!

Ain't nothing but a mistake...

Jake

[still singing] Now number five...

I never want to hear you say...

I want it that way.

Jake

Ah, chills! Literal chills!

It was number five. Number five killed my brother.

Jake

Oh my God, I forgot about that part.

Jake

I love you, Amy.

Amy

Ew, what?!

Jake

What?!

Amy

Ha! Just kidding.

Jake

Ooh.. cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.

Jake

All right, listen, Fogle. We have a councilman in the hospital and his shooter is still at large. We don't have time for this incompetence. I want your partner off the case, what's his name?

It's Raymond Holt.

Jake

Oh! It's Dad... I mean, Captain Holt! I mean, Captain Dad. I mean, Officer Holt. I mean, Officer Dad. Yep, that was it. Officer Dad, I found it.

So, the Department is going to settle without admitting any wrongdoing, and, because the facts of the case will remain unresolved, there will be no suspension for Marzipan, or Peralta.

Holt

How is that possible? Peralta arrested and harassed an innocent man.

Oh, come on, these are cops. They gotta make split-second decisions in life-or-death situations, and they can't be expected to get that 100% accurate every single time.

Holt

This was not a life-or-death situation!

True, but next time it might be, and how can this one do his job if he knows that any teeny tiny lapse in judgement could end with you branding him a dirty cop and ruining his life?

Jake

I've never seen this face before. Is that-

Holt

Yes. He's made me huffy. Do you know what happens when you refuse to punish cops for their mistakes? When police are treated as a separate class of citizen- above the law? It breeds a lack of trust in the community, and that lack of trust means people won't help us with their investigations, or testify, or even call us when they're in danger. It makes them more scared of us than of criminals and gangsters! It makes them run when we approach even though they've done nothing wrong! It makes the people see us as the enemy, which leads to more confrontation, more distrust. You wonder how Peralta can do his job when he's held accountable for his actions? I wonder how any of us can do our jobs, if he's not.

What a bunch of bunk. The City's gonna settle, there's not gonna be any suspensions; take the win!

Jake

Wait! What if I admitted I made an error and apologized?

He is speaking hypothetically. You'll notice he didn't use the "s" word and he never used the "m" word.

Jake

I'm sorry. I made a mistake.

Holy shit! Let the record show that he didn't say anything specific.

Jake

I arrested a man without sufficient probable cause in a case I was removed from.

He has no idea what he's talking about.

Jake

I then followed my victim to his home-

[hastily moving toward the door] Now's gonna be a good time for us to-

Jake

-in an act that could only be seen as police intimidation.

[puts his fingers in his ears] La-la-la-la-

Jake

I take full responsibility for my mistake and I'm willing to say as much in a court of law. And what's more, I'm very, very sorry!

Yeah, he has to be suspended. I'm sorry.

Oh, don't you start. [leaves; Jenkins follows]

Jake

Wow. That was amazing, you beat him! I can't believe it actually worked out okay.

Holt

You're suspended for five months.

Jake

Right. I know. But, I deserve it, and I learned a valuable lesson from all this, so I'm counting it as a win.

Holt

I get that, Peralta. But things will be a lot better when a man doesn't have to lose his job for you to learn a lesson.

Jake

Yeah. Fair enough. Thank you, sir. [pause] It was crazy when you got huffy.

Holt

So huffy!