Lance Sweets quotes from Bones

Caroline

We all just people, cherie. You're an expert with the Federal Bureau of Investigation. Now, who's Heather Taffet?

Sweets

Dead serial killer?

Caroline

Ya damn straight! Dr Brennan has her head all rigged up, spinning like a Christmas tree! [Sweets nods in agreement]

Caroline

It's over. She can't get to any of us anymore. [Sweets smiles in relief]

Sweets

You think I'm too young to get married?

Booth

Yeah, I do.

Sweets

"Yeah". Just like that?

Booth

Yeah, just like that. Too young.

Sweets

But love and commitment don't have age restrictions. Daisy's ready.

Booth

[grins] Yeah.

Sweets

So?

Booth

So?

Sweets

I can't imagine my life without her!

Booth

Let's just talk about something. How about sports, how about those Capitals?

Sweets

[shakes head] I want to get married.

Booth

How about action films? Let's talk action movies...

Sweets

[sighs] I don't want to be your age and wind up like you.

Booth

[looks at Sweets in disbelief] What'd you say?

Sweets

I don't! You've never been married. And that's...that's sad...

Booth

What?

Sweets

...to me. I don't want that to be where my life is headed.

You and me both--we've always been on the same side.

Booth

No, you're off the reservation, pal. You want to do the right thing, you give me that gun, and you let me take you in.

I'll tell you what. The day I wake up and there are no more bad people that need killing, you're the one I come to.

Hodgins

I actually have a question for you.

Sweets

Oh, great. Shoot. Probably not a term I should use during a murder investigation, huh?

Hodgins

Anyway, Angela's father...

Sweets

[smile fades from his face, with dread] Oh God.

Angela

What?

Sweets

Are you gonna ask me some interpersonal family question? Or...

Angela

Why is that so strange? You are a shrink.

Hodgins

[to Sweets] He wants to name our baby. We're not supposed to have any input. Now that is weird! Right?

Sweets

Um, well you know it's... it's complicated, of course, as all family issues are. [pauses] No, I'd rather not shoot from the hip on this one. Perhaps some research and reflection....

Angela

[chuckles] You are avoiding this.

Sweets

[denying] No! No, I'd just be remiss if I didn't consult my books, you know? I have so many books.

Hodgins

[grins] You are afraid of him

Sweets

Come on, afraid? [discreetly] Yes I'm afraid.

Angela

He is a very sweet man.

Sweets

He kidnapped Hodgins and gave him a tattoo while he was unconscious, Angela!

Angela

But he loves that tattoo now. Don't you, babe? [smiles and looks at Hodgins] [Hodgins fidgets and looks at her uncomfortably]

Sweets

I don't....[shakes head] I have a lot of work to do... [gets up to leave] I'm gonna get take-out or something.

Hodgins

You are running away!

Sweets

I'm walking.

Booth

[sighs] I don't get it. Broadsky was a good man. I don't understand what happened to him. I mean, what gives him the right to make these kind of calls?

Sweets

Being the cause of someone's death, no matter what the circumstances, leaves a man with a great burden. And people deal with that burden in different ways, you know? Some celebrate it. They relish the power as a way of justifying what they've done. Others like Broadsky, they justify another way. They feel that it's their destiny to mete out justice. They convince themselves that they have the moral high ground to make these calls. It's the only way they can live with what they've done.

Booth

What about me?

Sweets

From my perspective, you're a healthy man. You can accept what you've done and the pain and sadness and regret that comes with it. You know, not everybody has the strength to deal with that reality. It's a testament to you that you've built this life with family and friends who love and respect you. Booth, that can't be easy.

Hodgins

You know, Vincent gave me a great piece of advice? He said, "The busiest shopping hour in the entire year is between 3:00 and 4:00 on Christmas Eve." So, I never shop during that time.

Sweets

Oh, he told me that Quebec City in Canada has the same amount of street crime as Disney World. So, safe place to visit.

Vincent informed me that the crack of a whip was actually the tip breaking the sound barrier.

Angela

He told me that the top of the Eiffel Tower is actually six inches shorter in the winter time. So, it's better to climb it then.

Brennan

Vincent's favorite song was "Da Lime in Da Coconut".

Sweets

Seriously? 'Cause that's like … that's my jam.

Sweets

So there's no extra stress between you and Dr. Brennan because of the pregnancy?

Booth

[chuckles, turns around the face Sweets] We're not gonna talk about that.

Sweets

Why not? It's shrinky stuff!

Booth

[smiles] We're fine. We're fine!

Sweets

All right, ok, I'm not trying to be pushy here but it must be very difficult that you and Dr. Brennan haven't agreed on a living arrangement yet.

Booth

Ok, you know what, I've been shot at, I've been stalked, I've been kidnapped, I almost drowned, ok? I'll be able to find a place for us to live. [pats Sweets on the shoulder] So go have some coffee, all right?

[to Booth, glances at Sweets] What's with the scrawny guy? Thought he'd be dealing with that pregnant chick who took me down. [smirks] I liked her.

Booth

You really don't wanna go down that road, buddy.

Sweets

No, you really don't. The little girl she's carrying is his daughter.

[smile fades from his face] Oh.

Brennan

(about their living arrangement) We're still arguing about it. I want at least an acre of land, and he wants something called a man cave.

Booth

Wait, really? Really. You really want to get him involved?

Brennan

He asked a question.

Booth

Just tell him that it's crazy for him to carry a gun, that's all.

Brennan

But it is not.

Booth

It is.

Sweets

(to Brennan) Thank you.

Brennan

At the very least, he could draw fire away from you and get shot himself, which would reduce the likelihood of me becoming a single parent.

Sweets

We, we, we don't have to go through every eventuality.

Booth

You're not getting a gun.

Sweets

Then I'll make sure you don't get a man cave.

Booth

You're not going to get a gun.

Sweets

Well, then, you won't get a man cave.

Booth

It's not that I don't want you to carry a gun, Sweets. Do you understand that? It's just that I am concerned about your welfare!

Sweets

Yeah, 'cause you think I'm incompetent. Guess what? I aced my last practice round at the range.

Booth

That's a practice range, all right? There's a difference. But you know, when the real guns come out there's no time for thinking. It's just reaction. You understand? That's why they put people through Hogan's Alley.

Sweets

You think I'm not aware of that? [Booth gets out of the car] Oh, what, you're just gonna walk away? End of discussion?

Booth

[pokes head through the window] Perp. [points to suspect] Huh? You see what I mean Sweets? You're too busy talking.

Sweets

I'm here for my test, sir.

Sweets

What, what are you doing here?

Booth

Called in a favor. I'm running this one.

Sweets

Booth, that's not fair. You don't want me to have a gun. It's gonna affect my performance.

Booth

That's the point. You wanted to have my back. If something like this rattles you, I can't trust you. [smiles] So, ready?

Sweets

Let's rock and roll.

I have an important job preserving our national heritage.

Booth

[deadpan] You kill cockroaches.

Obviously you don't understand museum hygiene. Mama roaches, they have like forty babies a pop. They eat the paint, the wallpaper and drop their roach feces all over the historical artifacts.

Sweets

No kidding.

I'm our nation's front line of defense.

Booth

Against roach poop.

It's very stressful, which is why I need my smokes.

Booth

Sweets, just get on with this so we don't have to look at that thing.

Sweets

[surprised] What do you have against a cappuccino machine?

Booth

This is a diner. I come here because there is no cappuccino machine. [Sweets looks at him in bewilderment] [continues ranting] And some things, they need to be sacred, right? Preserved. All right? In this country, there is a line between coffee and foamy crap. And when that line gets blurred..people, they just become animals.

Sweets

You ok?

Booth

[raises voice] No! No, I'm not ok! I'm not dunkin' my donut into some cappuccino. [other customers start looking at Booth] That's not why I joined the Army. [Sweets is looking very embarrassed and puts his hand on Booth's shoulder attempting to calm him down] I didn't join the Army for that.

Sweets

[sheepishly grins at the waitress] I'll take two regular coffees, please. Thanks. Two black.

Sweets

What part of "stop the car" don't you understand?

Booth

Just put your seatbelt back on! CLOSE THE DOOR!

Sweets

You seem irritated.

Booth

Well, you're irritating me, ok?

Sweets

Oh.

Booth

Didn't they teach you, you know, how not to be irritating at shrink camp?

Sweets

It was a university.