[Sweets and Booth are video-conferencing. Sweets is in his office while Booth is pacing around the set and looking at all the props.]
SweetsYou know, the criminal records are not surprising. The entertainment industry has its own set of norms. Not only is bad behavior rarely punished, it's often rewarded. [pauses] Wow. Why does your office look like the command center in some super villain submarine?
I guess my bubble-head bobby wasn't flashy enough.
Sweets
I still think it's an excellent idea to question people there. The actors might suddenly see their fictional world as real. It might work to your advantage.
[...]
[While Booth is talking with Sweets, Blaine Conway, who portrays Andy Lister, a fictional portrayal of Booth in Brennan's book, comes from behind and tackles him. Booth instinctively and quickly subdues him.]
BBlaine
[groans] Woah. Wow. I do my own stunts but you are awesome!
[annoyed] What the hell are you doing?! I could've killed you! [pulls Blaine up by his tie] Get up!
Sweets
[in disbelief after witnessing what just happened] Unbelievable! No sense of mortality at all! Completely delusional!
BBlaine
[points to screen at Sweets] Who's the big head?
BBlaine
[to Sweets] I was just trying to show him how I'm gonna play Lister. I mean this guy's like Steve McQueen man. [points to Booth] I gotta do him justice!
[...]
[Blaine leaves after being questioned by Booth and exits the set doing an exaggerated impression of an FBI agent.]
[to Sweets] You see what I gotta deal with? His belt buckle says "cooky".
Sweets
I can see the McQueen thing.
Sweets
A little bit.
[FBI Interrogation Room, Dr. Sweets is interrogating Chef Paulo Romano, who served the victim ratburgers.]
RRomano
I got nothing to say without my lawyer present.
Sweets
Mmm, mmm, well legal representation is your constitutional right, but, I'm telling you, the minute a lawyer gets here, I can't help you.
RRomano
Ha, ha. You say that, but you don't mean that––
Sweets
...you served your divorce lawyer... a rat burger.
Sweets
The ingredients, aside from the rat, forensically matched your kitchen.
RRomano
(Plays along, amused) What ingredients?
Sweets
"What ingredients?" (Starts pulling out evidence from a box, identifying each one.) Curry paste. Corsican Sea Salt. Red Peppers. A fairly rare Russian Tarragon. Majorcan Capers. Red Poblano Chillies. Oh, this is the pan you used.
RRomano
All you're doing is convincing me I need a lawyer.
Sweets
You prepared the rat. You didn't just dice it up and toss it into the pan. You treated it like a fine fillet. You really hated Richard Bartlett.
RRomano
Now that's a fact.
Sweets
He was your divorce lawyer, wha––? You won!
RRomano
At first, I thought he was my savior... Then I got his bill. That bastard charged me so much, I would have been better off giving half to my wife.
Sweets
So, you served him the burger as revenge.
RRomano
Every Tuesday night. For two years. With a year and a half to go.
Sweets
Excuse me?
RRomano
He was gonna eat rat for as long as I was married. Three and one-half years. For poetical reasons.
Sweets
He figured it out, somehow, called you to his office, threatened to sue you, take away your restaurant, and you killed him...?
RRomano
Ok, now your just being insulting.
Sweets
Because I'm accusing you of murder?
RRomano
'Cause you're insulting my cooking! He loved that burger. You can check my emails. All Bartlett does is rave about that burger. Why would I kill him? Now, I never get the satisfaction of seeing that bastard's face, when he finds out that he had Rat, every Tuesday night.
Sweets
Sparling doesn't seem to trust how I as a psychologist perform my job.
She thinks you're an idiot?
Sweets
I wouldn't say that but in layman's terms...yes.
Look, you're the psychologist. Point your little shrinky brain at her and pull the trigger.
[shows Sweets into Parker's room] Parker won't be visiting us for a couple of months so...sorry about all the junk and toys.
Sweets
Oh, no...beats the hell out of my office. Look at all this stuff. Kids from broken homes really rake in the material goods by way of compensation. [Booth stares at Sweets]
Right. [takes a photo from a case file and hands it to Sweets] Take a look at this. Take a closer look, all right?
Sweets
[takes photo from Booth] What? [looks at photo and grimaces in disgust] Oh my god!! This corpse is so mutilated!!
Is Sweets in our bathroom?
Yes. Should I have put a note on the door?
Well, a little warning would've been nice. What's he doing in our bathtub?
Our jets. In our bathtub.
Societies in Japan and Turkey encourage public bathing. [Booth looks at her, unamused] In modern day Finland...
Finland?!! Woah, woah, this is not Finland!
Sweets
[comes out with only a towel wrapped around his waist while Booth turns and glares at him] Sorry, Booth, I should've locked the door, huh?
[innocently] Because you've played on so many sports teams and spent a lot of time in the Army I assumed you were comfortable with male nudity.
Sweets
You know, fear of nudity is called gymnophobia.
Oh, listen, psychology and anthropology, I liked it better when you two were fighting, all right? [glances at Sweets] Are we done with our bathtub?
Sweets
Yeah
Yeah. [turns to Brennan] I like to soak in our tub. After work. [turns to go up the stairs]
If you'd seen Booth's x-rays you'd understand. The list of bones that he hasn't broken is shorter than the ones that he has. [Booth puts his arms up in frustration, glares at Brennan]
All I did was get her to watch a basketball game instead of another rerun of Nova.
Sweets
That's it?
Yeah. Next thing I know, she's reading all about Phil Jackson.
Sweets
Well, you really didn't do much then, did you?
[mocking] Oh really. I didn't do much. I did get her to stop watching Nova.
Sweets
You're right. Good point. Sorry.
And because of that, her squint squad has identified eighteen sets of remains. [shows Sweets a stack of files]
Sweets
That's impressive.
[smiles] Good. I'm so glad you feel that way because it is your responsibility to notify all the surviving relatives. [dumps the files into Sweets' arms]
Sweets
What??? Me?
Criminal victims, missing persons, all comes under the FBI.
Sweets
What about you??
Me? [scoffs] I'm a special agent. I beat up bad guys and I leap over things.
Sweets
[unamused] You're describing Superman.
Exactly. You ever hear of Superman picking up a telephone? [smirks and goes into his office while Sweets walks away, grumbling to himself]
Sweets has trust issues involving finding a home. Since he grew up an orphan, the anger he's sublimated has paralyzed him from developing a healthy perspective on what having a home means. That made him bond with us and our home so he didn't have to deal with his own emotional insecurities.
Bones shoots from the outside! Three points!
Sweets
Where's that psychobabble coming from?
Well, you left one of your psychobabble books in our bathroom.
[Sweets, Booth and Flynn go to Booth's office. The Enigma machine is emitting smoke while receiving a message.]
Enigma machine. Hodgins sent it over.
Sweets
Why???
Why? Because it's Hodgins.
Bones · 1,470 quotes
