Seeley Booth quotes from Bones

Booth

You know, when I was a kid, Bones, I always wanted to be a hobo. I wanted to ride the rails, play the guitar --

Brennan

Be malnourished, riddled with preventable disease.

Booth

You know what? You could make Santa Claus cry. You really could.

Brennan

Hey, you're wearing your belt buckled again! Cocky.

Booth

Yeah. Ever since the whole coma thing I just kept staring at it thinking to myself, why would I wear something like this?

Brennan

Because you love it. You always have.

Booth

Yeah, that's what I landed on, Bones.

Brennan

Oh, well I'm glad you did, because I like it. It's Boothy.

Booth

Boothy?

Brennan

You just said you were having sex when you were sixteen.

Booth

That's different!

Brennan

Oh, so there's a double standard?

Booth

Of course! You know what, Cam needs to shut that down.

Brennan

I said that Michelle should wait until she's at least seventeen and a half.

Booth

Is that how old you were?

Brennan

No, I was 22.

Booth

Twenty-two?! twnent--, why?

Brennan

Don't -- why do you sound shocked?!

Booth

No, it's just that that's a good age. Twenty-two??

Brennan

It was an important decision! I gave it a lot of thought. I finally found a man who could provide a skillful introduction.

Booth

You make it sound like it was a class that you took. You know, the first time you should be in love. You know, totally goo-goo for the other person.

Brennan

Were you when you were sixteen?

Booth

Well part of me was.

Booth

Michelle's family to me. I'm here number one uncle.

Really? She, she didn't meantion...

Booth

I'm also a trained sniper.

Ok, wow, oh...

Booth

Listen, Perry, all right? You're a red-blooded young man and uh, Michelle's - she's an attractive young girl. So I assume that you...

What? No, no, no!

Booth

Because Michelle deserves your respect, you understand?

I do! I do respect her. We were just going to the movies tonight.

Booth

All right. And if you behave anyway less than a gentleman to her, I'll find you. I think we understand each other, right?

Were you guys aware that Arastoo doesn't really have an accent?

Booth

Yeah, he does. It's thicker than Ahmed the rug merchant. Was that racist? It sounded racist.

I was afraid this would come up when I heard you took Trey in for questioning.

Booth

You're right, so start talking.

I should never have made Elliot move to the suburbs. In a way, I emasculated him.

Brennan

Oh, God. She's a therapist. She talks like a therapist.

Brennan

Interlocking lines of persuasion between members of the collective result in multiple duplicities.

Oh, my God. She's an anthropologist. She talks like an anthropologist!

Booth

It takes a village, Bones.

Brennan

I beg your pardon?

Booth

A village to raise a kid properly! It takes a village!

Brennan

Metaphorically. It doesn't mean we must all grow up in hamlets of 800 people or less.

Booth

Thanks. Will you be my village?

Brennan

Huh?

Booth

I need Parker to know that I lead a full and rewarding life.

Brennan

But you don't.

Booth

What?? Yes, I do!

Brennan

No, you don't. You work too much, you don't socialize, all which prevents you from having a sex life.

Booth

Okay, let's take a hint from the suburbs and just make it look good.

Brennan

Wait, you to know if I'll help you fool your son into thinking your life is gratifying?

Booth

Yeah! Will you do it?

Brennan

Well, how?

Booth

Come to dinner with us, have fun, laugh at my jokes.

Brennan

That might actually turn out to be fun, thus becoming a self fulfilling desire.

Booth

Right! So, you'll do it?

Brennan

Yes! I will be your hamlet of 800 people or less.

Parker

Can't you be his girlfriend?

Brennan

That would be inappropriate.

Parker

Why?

Brennan

Because we work together.

Parker

That's a stupid reason.

Bones, I'm really not comfortable with the questions you're asking.

Brennan

Booth, could you maybe trust me for a second? Trust that I can say the right thing? In the time I've been with you I've learned a lot about how to deal with people. [looks to Parker] Your father is very, very good with people.

Parker

Then why doesn't he have a girlfriend?

And we're off! [gets a look from Brennan] Okay. All right.

Brennan

Can I ask you a question? [Parker nods] Why do you think your father needs a girlfriend so much?

Bones, there's a whole gender/parent bond thing going on here. He's just going to get confused.

Parker

So I can have a pool!

Brennan

He doesn't sound confused.

There's a guy on my street who cut his lawn on the diagonal. The neighbors got angry, someone set his garage on fire.

Booth

Well, I mean yards, sidewalks, you know, clean streets, birds flying by...

Dead body in the barbecue pit.

Booth

Oh, okay. You know what, I'm going to go talk to the neighbors, see if anyone who cut their lawn diagonally is missing.

Whoa-whoa-whoa, wait a second. You and Parker discussed my sex life?

Angela

Well, we discussed your lack of sex life.

Angela, neither you nor him, especially him, knows anything about my sex life.

Angela

Well, he knows that daddy ain't getting any, and he's concerned. He thinks you need a girlfriend... to have sex.

He said that?

Angela

Well, his exact words were, "To sex up." I think you need to talk to him honestly about your love life.

You kidding me? No offense, but I'm not talking about...

Hey...

What?

Want to run our friendly neighborhood suburbanites through the National Gun Permit Database, see if any of them own a .44? Hodgins found that in the pit. [She hands Booth the bagged bullet]

Parker

Hi, Dr. Saroyan. Do you have a boyfriend?

Angela

See? This is exactly how it started with me.

[Walking to Parker] Come on. Let's go. Come on. I gotta get you back home, or your mom's gonna kill me, all right? [They turn to leave – he looks at Parker's painted face] Let me see this stuff. [To Angela] Does this stuff come off?

Angela

Oh, seriously. That's your big worry right now?

Brennan

I have to speak. I hate these things.

Booth

What are you talking about, Bones? You're great at these things. Listen, you changed history. How many people can say that?

Brennan

You can. Every arrest you make changes history. You make the world safer.

Booth

With your help. So, Andrew. You were going to take him to this thing. At least that's what you told me.

Brennan

I was, yes, but you and I -- this was our case. I guess what goes on between us, that should just be ours. Isn't that what you said?

Booth

Yeah.

Are you here to protect them while they mistreat and torture the chickens on this farm and the people who live downwind of its foul emanations?

Booth

You practice that speech much, pal?

Brennan

We found Nick Rabin's body.

Booth

As of now, you are our number one suspect.

Please, I didn't kill anyone. I'm an extreme pacifist.

Brennan

That's an oxymoron. You're either extreme or pacifist. You can't be both.

Booth

I'm losing it. I'm not up to speed here. I woke up this morning and I realized that I didn't even know if I liked brown sugar on my oatmeal.

Brennan

Next time, call me. You like brown sugar on everything!

Booth

I'm the one who is supposed to know if people are lying. Who do I call for that?

Brennan

Sweets.

Booth

Sweets?

Brennan

You said he's like a human lie detector test!

Booth

I don't like things at half speed, you know? I'm a full speed kind of a guy.

Brennan

Well, even at half speed, you're twice as fast as anyone else.

Brennan

You noticed something! See! You've still got it!

Booth

You're not going to ask me what I saw?

Brennan

Do I want to know?

Booth

No. Do you want to know anyway?

Brennan

Nope. It can wait. I trust you.

Booth

I thought Hodgins would have something on this whole "suspended animation" thing. [hands Angela a folder]

Angela

[amused] Hey, you listen to Hodgins?

Booth

I listen to Wendell.

Brennan

[looks at the file Angela is reading] Woah...what is DARPA?

Angela

Uh, it's a Department of Defense agency. The Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency. Hodgins says they're into some pretty weird stuff, like creating super-soldiers who don't need sleep and can kill with their laser beam eyes.

Booth

[chuckles, looks at Angela facetiously] What's that supposed to be?

Angela

Half man, half chicken.

Booth

Come on!

Brennan

I believe this to be fairly accurate.

Booth

Ok, so you want me to go ask the Defense Department if their experimental super-soldier is half man half chicken?

Sweets

[shows Booth the menu] Hey, today's special: chicken. Ironic.

Booth

Right... [discreetly aside to Brennan, shields his face with menu] Everything ok there Bones? I know when something's wrong with you. And something's wrong. What can I do to help?

Brennan

Angela and I had a fight.

Booth

[puts menu down] Nothing I can do to help!

Brennan

You want to hear about it?

Booth

No!

Sweets

Why not?

Booth

Why? Because her and Angela are best friends and Bones is gonna want me to take her side and agree that Angela was wrong. And then, you know, the two of them are gonna make up and then they're gonna be mad at me. So, no thank you!

Sweets

It's very interesting.

Booth

[to Sweets] You know, the way you say "very interesting" is very irritating. Listen, Bones, I'd do anything for you. I'd die for you, I'd kill for you, but I am not getting in the middle of two best friends.

Booth

[grabs her hand] Woah, woah, listen, Bones. Everything is gonna be ok between you and Angela. All right? You two are like sisters.

Brennan

[sadly] I'm just not used to not getting along with people.

Sweets

Seriously? 'Cause it seems like–– [groans as Booth cuts him off by kicking him extremely hard under the table]

Brennan

Thanks, Booth.