Seeley Booth quotes from Bones

Brennan

Maybe I should start packing heat again.

Booth

Packing heat?

Brennan

Yes, it's a colloquialism. I'm quite a good shot.

Booth

Hey, if the leprechaun was shot, where would the bullet be?

Brennan

I assume somewhere in the six tons of crap Hodgins hasn't sifted through yet.

Booth

Wait, wait a second. Did you just call forensic evidence crap?

Brennan

It's colloquial again. What do you think?

Booth

I like it. It shows that you're adapting.

Wyatt

When you were in the coma, you got a glimpse of another world.

Booth

Great, and how does that help me aim my gun?

Wyatt

Temperance Brennan. You're in love with her. You're building a world around her. Family.

Booth

We're not compatible. She sees the world one way, I see it another way.

Wyatt

Of course! It's absolutely ludicrous, the idea of you together, but the heart chooses what it chooses, doesn't it? We don't really have a say in the matter.

Booth

She doesn't love me. I would know if she loved me.

Wyatt

May I counsel patience on this front. Hope and patience.

Hank Booth

Did I take these blue pills?

You took the yellow pills.

Hank

I feel like a damn chemistry experiment! They didn't have this stuff fifty years ago and everybody was fine!

Brennan

Actually, medicine has increased life expectancy quite a bit since 1959. Fifty years ago, you'd probably be dead.

Bones!

Hank

No, I like her. She's real. She's got balls.

Brennan

Well, ovaries, actually.

Hank

All right, you've got steel ovaries.

Brennan

Thank you.

Will you two, please!

Brennan

Being overweight wasn't always stigmatized. During the Middle Ages in Italy, the wealthy and influential members of society were called popolo grosso, meaning literally, fat people.

Hank

Is she always like this?

Well, Pops, she always has the facts, Pops. Always.

Hank

You should go on a gameshow. You'd clean up.

I tell her that all the time, but you know, she's already loaded.

Hank

She's got talent, charm, beauty, money and you're just friends? I didn't raise you very well.

Hank

Wait a minute... [grabs phone from the officer] Seeley, I'm fine. I just took a subway to see my friend Willy Louis. I mentioned him to you. We were in the 82nd together.

[trying hard to keep his cool] Yeah. I remember, Pops.

Hank

Well, the son of a bitch up and died on me! They had the funeral three weeks ago and nobody even told me.

Booth

Fishing is not a sport!

Brennan

What? Monuments to sporting events in ancient Egypt include fishing, as well as swimming and wrestling.

Booth

Come on! No sweat, no sport!

Brennan

Well -- oh! Boris Spassky at chess. He used to perspire profusely.

Booth

Why do you got to make things so complicated? Let me break it down for you, okay? Basketball, football, hockey: that's a sport. Board games, fishing: not a sport!

You'll probably go easy on the fried food after this one.

Brennan

Well, the International Olympic Committee is considering adding chess as a sport.

Not a sport.

Booth

See! Not a sport!

Neither is ribbon twirling, bridge or synchronized swimming.

Booth

Synchronized swimming, that's not a sport, that's for sure.

Oh, God. I'm in the middle of something, aren't I? Oh, look! Dead guy!

Booth

Yeah, look at that. The Colonel's not going to like this one.

Male, no sign of clothing, all other stats still unknown. He was found at the bottom of this grease receptical by those lovely gentleman over there.

Brennan

The remains are covered in flesh. Why am I here?

I don't know. I told Booth. Oh, God. In the middle again!

Booth

Steve Rifton, 26-year-old mailman reported missing by his wife twelve days ago. You figured out he was a mailman and guess what? He's a mailman!

Brennan

Why are you surprised?

Booth

It doesn't surprise me. It amazes me sometimes how you can figure that stuff out. It's a mailman! You figured that out!

Brennan

[smiling] I'm good at my job.

Booth

Wait until you see what I've got here. Okay, here --

Brennan

Marked in red.

Booth

Right. Is Steve Rifton's postal route. And here --

Brennan

Marked in black.

Booth

Right, is the grease truck's route. See what I've done here?

Brennan

Obviously you've created a geographic Venn diagram.

Booth

No, no, incorrect. What I've shown is here is they've overlapped in the same area.

Brennan

You need to Google "Venn diagram."

Brennan

I have to remove your clothing now.

Booth

Why?

Brennan

Well, there may be particulates.

Booth

Particulates.

Brennan

Evidence for Hodgins and flesh for Cam.

Booth

You know, the bomber said something about answering the call. What do you think that means?

Brennan

Many terrorists think they're acting upon divine instruction.

Booth

I don't think he was a terrorist. I just think he was a bank robber.

Brennan

There's spatter on the back of your collar.

Booth

Spatter?

Brennan

Okay.

Booth

I can take my own shirt off.

Brennan

No, don't! You'll compromise the evidence.

Booth

Right.

Brennan

I'm having Christmas dinner at my place this year with my dad. Considering you've been shunted aside by your own family, I'd like to invite you.

Booth

That's a sweet invitation.

Brennan

So, will you come?

Booth

I don't know. I was thinking about going up to Quebec to see Parker. I don't really care what Rebecca thinks.

Brennan

If you do that won't she retaliate by insisting upon coming to all your special times with Parker?

Booth

Yeah.

Brennan

You have a perfect acromion. Stand up.

Booth

Whoa! Is there stuff on my pants?

Brennan

Vascular tissue on your cocky belt buckle.

Booth

All right. Slides right off. And now we're done.

Brennan

Nope. I have to remove your pants.

Booth

All right, you know, I'm just going to start reciting some saints. St. Joseph, St. Peter, St. Paul, St. John --

[Sees what's going on] Anyone for mistletoe?

Brennan

I'm recovering evidence.

Booth

Just evidence! That's all!

Angela

[seeing Booth on a cart being pushed by Brennan only in his boxers] Uh, are we doing an experiments on Booth? Because if so, I'd like to help.

Booth

Make fun of the naked guy. Knock yourself out.

Booth

So I decided to take you up on your offer.

Brennan

What offer?

Booth

You invited me to your house for Christmas dinner. You forgot you invited me.

Brennan

No, it's just -- no! My dad brought by my second cousin and I really didn't like her.

Booth

Well that makes sense.

Brennan

Why do you say that?

Booth

Because she's family. Ninety percent of the time, family just gets under your skin. That's the difference between family and friends.

Brennan

She's unapologetically dogmatic, she lives her entire life based on the quotations of Benjamin Franklin.

Booth

Maybe she feels the same way about you and your mania of logic.

Brennan

Mania?

Booth

Okay, enthusiasm.

Brennan

Sometimes people are terrible.

Booth

I know.

Brennan

Cam says that the victim's mother is burying him on Christmas morning.

Booth

I heard that.

Brennan

It's just him and his mom, right?

Booth

He worked alone and never had any time for friends. What's wrong?

Brennan

Max told me that being alone at Christmas means that nobody loves you. She's burying her son. Alone. On Christmas. I think that's heartbreaking.

Booth

You know, when I say heartbreaking you say the heart is a muscle, so it can't break. It can only get crushed.

Brennan

Isn't it heartcrushing?

Booth

You want to go to his funeral?

Brennan

Yes, I would. Then she won't be alone.

Booth

You know what, Bones? Sometimes I think your heart muscle is bigger than people give you credit for.

Hodgins

Where's your chest hair?

Booth

I'm highly evolved.

Brennan

His pubic extension is entirely within normal––

Booth

[cuts Brennan off] Enough!

Brennan

Oh, good! You got here for the good stuff!

Booth

What good stuff?

Brennan

The MRI. It's an older model but entirely serviceable.

Booth

Okay, for future reference, that's not the good stuff.

Brennan

Sure it is! Look at all those remodeled lateral muletas fractures. Also, signs of inflammation to the tendon fibers here and damage to -- [looks up to see the body appearing to sit up and screams in reaction]

Booth

[pause] You know, I won't say anything about the scream if you don't say anything about the gun.

Brennan

Those terms are satisfactory.

Booth

Right.

Brennan

It's ridiculous to think that there's anything on this planet worth seeing which merits crossing what are literally astronomical distances.

Booth

Maybe aliens are anthropologists. Maybe they just want to study our religion, and sex, and love, and our funny languages and line dancing.

Brennan

That's an interesting possibility I hadn't considered.

Booth

Well they're living creatures. They like to reach out, Bones.

Brennan

Living creatures like to reach out and eat each other.

Booth

Oh, so what are you saying? That the aliens just want to come down here and drink our spinal fluid?

Brennan

Well, if the aliens are advanced enough to fly faster than light, then they can probably make spinal fluid.

Booth

Well you just said that aliens are nice.

Brennan

I did not!

Booth

You just basically said that aliens are nice anthropologists.

Brennan

I don't think so.

Booth

You think that aliens are you!

Brennan

[laughs] You got me! I'm one of them. I was sent down as an advanced scout.

Booth

Ha! I knew it! No probing! No probing!!

Brennan

[laughs] Hey, probing is a valuable way to gather information.

Booth

I know how you people like to probe!

Booth

So Mr. Breekman, you were abducted by aliens five years ago?

Yes.

Booth

If aliens are so advanced why would they need probes?

I think they like it.

Booth

[subtly mocking] Why would you hook up with aliens if they like to anally probe you?

There are two races of aliens and they do not see eye to eye.

Booth

[looks at Marvin] Right.

Booth

[looks at him, unconvinced] I don't believe you. I think you're lying.

Sweets

[via earpiece] Sometimes I think you just pull me into these interrogations to show off. Wait Booth, I–– [Booth ignores Sweets and shuts his laptop]