Seeley Booth quotes from Bones

Why didn't you tell me you guys split up?

You want him? Take him. I don't care.

I don't want him.

Booth

You don't?

[to Cam] No. I was just trying to get back at you for being so perfect all the time.

So you admit it.

Like you're a saint? [to Booth] She used to go into my closet with all my dolls and say that they were having a party, but that I wasn't invited.

You were five, and they did not like you.

Hodgins

[curiously] Why are you here in my area?

Booth

Cam's sister kissed me.

Hodgins

[amused] Dude....

Booth

Don't call me dude! All right, listen, I was supposed to be Cam's boyfriend but only between the hours of 6:30 and 10. She kissed me at 6:20 so technically that doesn't even count. Cam went to her office to get something. Felicia, she just grabbed me and planted one on me. I didn't even see it coming. I didn't even have a defense maneuver planned.

Hodgins

[shakes head] Wow.... all right, all right, uh.... How are you...[looks around discreetly] how are you gonna break it to Cam?

Booth

What? Why would I do that?

Hodgins

You want her to find out from her sister?

Booth

[in dread] Wow, this is worse than when we were a couple.

Hodgins

[chuckles, Booth glares at him] Sorry... [struggles to contain his laughter]

Booth

[unamused by Hodgins laughing at him] I really should take my gun out and shoot you now.

Hodgins

[puts on a serious face] I'm sorry... that's serious. [breaks into laughter again]

Booth

You're not helping.

Booth

This is crazy. It's -- it's not right. Tell him that it's not right.

Brennan

Is it?

Booth

Oh! You're on his side. Why don't you go play Voltron with him?

Booth

So this girl, she had this game where she would ask me a question -

Brennan

What kind of question?

Booth

It doesn't matter, okay? So if I got the question wrong, I'd have to take off a piece of my clothing. So of course I knew all the answers, but I pretended that I didn't.

Brennan

So you could take off your clothes.

Booth

Exactly. Now, my point is, I'm standing there, you know, in my socks and my St. Christopher medal, and she runs off. She runs off with the sleeping bag and all my clothes and I'm standing there starko.

Brennan

Well, why would she do that?

Booth

Well, I suppose she heard I was under the bleachers with another girl the week before.

Brennan

Okay. This is a story about sexual prowess, Booth. You're bragging!

Booth

[laughs] I had to run across the campus buck naked!

Brennan

You're laughing about it now! You enjoyed displaying your penis. It showed alpha male mastery.

Booth

[telling about an embarrassing episode from high school] So this kid, right, we're walking past and he calls us Philistines. You know what that means, right?

Brennan

Yes, an uneducated person.

Booth

Well, I didn't. I said, "Hey, I'm not Philistine, I'm Catholic."

Brennan

[chuckles] Okay, that's sort of embarrassing.

Booth

[serious] That's not the embarrassing part. My friend, he hangs the kid over the stairwell by his ankles. I laughed, Bones. I should have protected him, and I laughed.

Booth

You know, evolution is long, long process. It takes hundreds of years.

Brennan

Thousands.

Booth

Why do you always have to correct me?

Brennan

To help you evolve.

Dr. Brennan looked a little hurt when I told her you asked me to come out here instead of her.

Booth

No. Bones's feelings, they don't get hurt. She's not like you.

Like me?

Booth

Yeah. A girl.

Yeah. The word you're looking for is "woman," who, incidentally, makes more money than you.

Booth

Touchy!

What can I say? I'm just a girl with feelings.

Brennan

I can't freak out every time somebody Googles me.

Booth

Cam, she goes nowhere alone.

Brennan

Cam, don't listen to him.

Booth

Cam, who are you more afraid of, me or her?

Brennan

Booth--

Whoa! [holds up a hand] So this is what it's like to be a kindergarten teacher.

Booth

My idea of art is a half-naked woman on the side of a van.

Sweets

That's interesting.

Booth

No, it's not interesting, Sweets, 'cause it was a joke.

Sweets

It's awesome! It's like the Sith Lords, man. There's always only two of them.

Booth

Did you just Star Wars us?

Brennan

Where did he work?

Uh, employment agency called Temp Time. On 7th, by the Convention Center.

Booth

Ha! Couldn't have been Santa!

Brennan

Why?

Booth

Because Santa wouldn't have worked at a temp agency!

Brennan

Well, why not? His work is seasonal.

Booth

No. It's not a lie lie, Bones. It's more like everybody agreeing that, up to a certain age, kids deserve to live a different kind of truth.

Brennan

Okay. By that reasoning, what we should do is figure out a lie Russ could tell the girls so they wouldn't know he's in jail.

Booth

That is a brilliant Christmas idea.

Brennan

It was intended to be a scathing and incisive comment.

Brennan

Booth, who is a very honest person, says that at this time of year deception is necessary for the happiness of little children.

Booth

I'm being misquoted.

Sweets

Booth is absolutely right.

Booth

She got the gist.

Sweets

There is a fictional element to Christmas.

Brennan

You mean the whole "birth of a Savior" rigmarole?

Booth

It is not rigmarole!

Sweets

No, Dr. Brennan, it's the feeling of Christmas. What people call the Christmas spirit. It's a kind of dream or hope we carry with us from childhood. But as adults--

Booth

Are you including you in that?

Sweets

As adults we're imbued by the pragmatic routines of daily life, which make it difficult for us to regard anything with childlike wonder. But, you know, it's all right for us to try. We put on silly hats, drape trees in sparkly lights and wrap gifts in garish paper, and that's good for us. It's not only all right to allow children the transient experience of innocence and joy, it's our responsibility.

Brennan

Okay.

Booth

Okay?

Brennan

I found that very helpful.

Booth

That's what I've been saying the last four days!

Booth

Oh my god...

Brennan

What?

Booth

He lives in a toy store! [laughs]

Brennan

[as she and Booth enters the victim's home] Watch out for reindeer.

Booth

[sarcastically] Yeah, really funny.

Booth

[Holding up a picture of the victim in a Santa suit] Look, you ever seen this man before?

Santa Claus?

Booth

No, this isn't actually Santa Claus. The guy that's wearing the Santa outfit in this picture, have you ever seen him?

Can I see your ID again, please?