Seeley Booth quotes from Bones

[to Booth] Is she serious about the mud?

Brennan

As serious as a gas attack.

Booth

Heart attack, Bones. As serious as a heart attack.

Booth

What a shock for that couple. I mean, they slide naked into the hot mud bath and a skeleton hand pokes her in the, you know--

Brennan

Anus.

Booth

Bones!

Brennan

What? It's a clinical term for that part of the body, Booth.

Sweets

Dr. Brennan, Agent Booth, would it be fair to say that you use work to avoid confronting personal issues?

Booth

Why? Because I don't wanna talk about, you know--

Brennan

The anus.

Booth

You really like that word, don't you?

Sweets

Do you two ever discuss anything that's not attached to work?

Booth

Well, it's better than talking about, you know--

Sweets

The anus?

Booth

What is it with you two?

Booth

You know, you can play the field... and not plow it.

Brennan

That was distasteful.

Brennan

Doctor Sweets says that you work with tropical fish.

April

Yes, I lo-ove fish. They're just like people.

Brennan

No, no, they're not. Actually, people can't breathe under water.

April

She's funny.

Brennan

I am? Wha– ? Why is that funny?

Booth

I don't think she meant that literally, Bones.

Brennan

Oh.

April

You look in their eyes and you can see their little souls. It's in every part of their coloring.

Brennan

Fish don't have souls.

Sweets

[obviously trying to end the conversation gracefully] April just means they're pretty.

April

[starting to get angry] Don't tell me what I mean, Lance. [To Brennan] What I meant was, we're all made up of the same stuff; that makes us human.

Brennan

Well, on a quantum level, that's true. Although the word "stuff" is not accurate.

April

[To Sweets] See?

Sweets

[shocked] O-okay.

April

He kills about a million people a night!

Sweets

In a video game.

Booth

Your friend's name Garth Jodrey?

How'd you know that?

Booth

[points to the name plaque on his desk] Special Agent Seeley Booth. Special.

Booth

[about the victim] Cheated on your sister, forced you to crash. How would you exactly describe your relationship?

[sarcastically] We were the best of friends.

Brennan

Doctor Sweets says that you work with tropical fish.

April

Yes, I lo-ove fish. They're just like people.

Brennan

No, no, they're not. Actually, people can't breathe under water.

April

She's funny.

Brennan

I am? Wha– ? Why is that funny?

Booth

I don't think she meant that literally, Bones.

Brennan

Oh.

April

It's their eyes. You can tell so much from eyes.

Brennan

Well in humans a retinal scan is as specific as a fingerprint.

April

No, no, their souls. You can see their little souls.

Brennan

I don't understand. You believe that fish have souls?

April

Yes, you can see it in their coloring. It's... it's a reflection of who they are.

Brennan

Their coloring has developed over millenniums as a way to deal with predators.

Sweets

[obviously trying to end the conversation gracefully] April just means they're beautiful.

April

[starting to get angry] Don't tell me what I mean, Lance. [To Brennan] I mean they have souls.

Sweets

Okay.

Brennan

I thought you said you were just going to talk to him!

Booth

Yeah, well, I saw his face and I got mad.

Brennan

Is she crying because she loved him, or because she lost a mansion?

Booth

[mouths] The mansion.

Brennan

The truth is, athletes are basically emotionally arrested in boyhood, acting out childish games as though they have adult importance. You know, the only thing more juvenile are grown adults who watch sports.

Booth

[confronts Brennan] Why'd you gotta say stuff like that?

Brennan

[surprised] What? You mean the truth?

Booth

All right. You know what? I'm a jock, so when you say those, you know, things that you say, what are you saying about me?

Brennan

Nothing! You grew out of it!

Booth

No, I didn't, alright? My shoulder cracked out on me. Otherwise I would've gone all the way with it. [turns to leave]

Brennan

What?

Booth

And another thing, all right, I, uh, fought in a war! So if sports is a, uh, "childish" substitute, I can live with that! [walks out of the court]

All I did was pee in a cup for Jimmy Fields. All of a sudden this is a federal case?

Booth

Turns out he has the clap.

Brennan

The exact same strain as you.

Wait, you think I had sex with R.J.?

Booth

[He and Brennan look at each other.] I dunno, did you?

No!

Brennan

Then why’d you bring it up?

You brought it up. All I did was pee in a cup.

Brennan

Why?

Because, Jimmy's a teammate and he asked me to. I woulda done it for any of my bros.

Brennan

How'd this boy get into college?

Booth

Basketball.

I know I've got gonorrhea. I'm being treated for it.

Booth

Yeah, well, where'd you get it?

They asked me the same thing in Health Services. Could have been a couple places.

Brennan

Well, you're a smart girl, why didn't you wear a condom?

I do. Most of the time.

Brennan

You know what? I made a mistake. She is not a smart girl. This is a terrible university.

Booth

[baby cries] You hear that?

Brennan

Sounds like a cat...

Booth

[talking about a baby] He looks a little fussy there. Why don't you pick him up and give him a cuddle?

Brennan

Just because I have breasts doesn't mean I have magical power over infants!

Booth

You know, you look very mom-like with that baby monitor.

Brennan

I have a responsibility under state law as a foster parent. I've already bought him toys and clothes.

Booth

Ah. So you've bought him some clothes?

Brennan

Well, I sent an intern, who apparently loves bears, which in reality would devour a small child.