Bob Belcher quotes from Bob's Burgers

Gene

It's him! It's the Moody Foodie!

Bob

Gene, that's Mike the mailman. You've seen him every day for the last five years.

Gene

It's the long con!

Tina

[pointing at Gene] It's him!

Bob

Tina, that's Gene.

Tina

Long con!

Tina

Detention is no big deal, Mom. Don't have a crap attack.

Linda

What did you just say?!

Tina

A crap attack? Don't... have one?

Linda

Don't you tell me not to have a crap attack! I'll have a crap attack anytime I want! Now go to your room!

Tina

This is such a snoregasm. [leaves]

Linda

Huh! What the hell was that about?

Louise

What is it?

Bob

A "crap attack"?

Yeah.

Bob

I don't know. [to Linda] Do you?

Linda

Don't look at me!

Louise

Well, you're the one that wanted to have one.

Bob

You're the one that sent her into her room for saying it.

Linda

I don't know what these kids are saying!

Bob

... "Don't have a crap attack!" [chuckles]

HAAAAAAA!!!

Linda

Nice, Bob. Nice.

Linda

I can't believe Tina got detention! She's changing, Bobby. Tina's turning into a teen!

Louise

You've lost her, Mom. Time to focus on your good daughter - Gene!

Gene

I'm pretty!

Bob

You know, maybe you're overreacting, Lin. I mean, you did have a crap attack.

Louise

HAAAAAA!!!

Linda

There's my little candy corns! Ooh! Sad Wolverine! Scary, and sad.

Louise

I'm Edward Scissorhands, Mom.

Bob

Uh, I'm not sure about you walking around with scissors all night, Louise.

Linda

[holding up spoons] Why don't you be Edward Spoonhands?

Louise

[uses her scissors to grab them and toss them away] Get real. It's Halloween, not Hallowuss.

Linda

And Tina's a mummy! Sexy!

Tina

[wrapped in toilet paper, holding a baby doll] Last year I was a mummy. This year, I'm a mommy mummy. And I'm single, and I'm working two jobs, and I'm just trying to get back out there.

Bob

Tina, you have to put your costume back on the roll tomorrow. I'm not losing that much TP.

Tina

Okay.

Linda

Oh, and Gene looks great, too! Wait, what are you, hon?

Gene

I'm rapper/actress Queen Latifah from her "U.N.I.T.Y." phase.

Linda

Oh god, so specific and political, I love it!

Gene

We're working girls now!

You're a girl?

Gene

Yes!

Bob

No he's not.

Gene

Yes I am!

Bob

You're not a girl!

Gene

Tell that to my vagina!

My replacement. I hope you have a hairnet for your face and arms.

Bob

I'm not replacing you. I'm just cooking one meal for one night for the Captain's table.

You remind me of me, back when I was the Captain's special guest chef for "just one night"... 56 voyages ago!

Ah, there's the dinner rolls.

Bob

Why does your timer sound like that?

[angrily] It's French!

Bob

You remember "The Deepening", right?

Teddy

Remember it? I was in it! I was Handsome Lifeguard Number 3!

Teddy

What?

Bob

It's just that we're looking at the "after" here. It's kinda hard to picture the "before".

Gene

Bob!

Bob

Oh my god, it's bad...

Tina

I ruined the car!

Bob

You did. You really did. Okay. Uh, well, that's... ugh. Well, there doesn't seem to be any damage to the other car.

Tina

No, I see a dent! There's a dent!

Bob

That's a ding. Not even. It's like a little scratch.

Tina

No, it's a dent!

Bob

All right, we'll leave a note. [pause] You know, then again, for all we know, that was probably already there, right?

Tina

We have to leave a note! We have to leave a note!

Bob

Okay, okay! You're so honest. Who raised you?

Tina

I don't know!

Bob

Da-- it was me. I did.

Bob

Tina, why are you wearing a hairnet?

Tina

Because stress is making my hair fall out! Look at me!

Bob

Tina, you have the fullest head of hair in the family. I would kill for that hairline.

Tina

I believe you would!

Tina

Do I have a boyfriend in this scenario?

Bob

Uh, we should probably just stick to the necessary facts.

Tina

Oh, okay.

Bob

Fine, all right, you have a secret boyfriend in this scenario, one that you can't ever talk about.

Tina

What's his name?

Bob

Um, Sebastian.

Tina

He plays lacrosse. And he loves me.

Bob

Mm-hmm.

Tina

But he loves lacrosse more.

Bob

Uh, yeah.

Tina

How long is his hair?

Bob

I-I-I don't know. But it's greasy.

Tina

[throwing her head back in bliss] Yes.

Louise

Mom, it's over. You "Momed" it all up.

Bob

Uh-oh.

Linda

What's that supposed to mean? Dad's here! Did he "Dad" it all up?

Louise

Yeah, but that's a good thing!

Linda

Fine! I don't wanna play your dumb little game anyway.

Louise

Well that's 'cause you suck at it!

Gene

Uh-oh.

Tina

Ouch.

Bob

Oh, God.

Linda

Don't you talk to me that way, Miss Smart-Mouth! You just bought yourself a ticket to your room!

Louise

(storming off) Oh, fine! Best money I ever spent! You can't ruin anything in there!

Bob

Gene, why are you making noises?

Gene

They're jealousy noises! You got your legs waxed and I didn't!

Bob

You don't even have leg hairs.

Gene

Tell that to my heart!

Gene

What's the point of clinging to this, [gestures to himself] if I'm doomed to be that? [points at Bob]

Gene

Huh. I don't know.

Bob

Lin...

Gene

Why wait? Let's do it now! I want the whole Bob! Male-pattern baldness...

Bob

Hmm.

Gene

...stooped shoulders...

Bob

Stop.

Gene

...paunch...

Bob

Please.

Gene

...and the push broom on my lip.

Bob

This is incredibly insulting.

Gene

Think about how I feel! You really let myself go!

Bob

We'll have to cut down on expenses. What can we live without?

Louise

Probably Gene and Tina.

Bob

That's a good start.

Gene

Huh. Well that makes the things I was gonna cut irrelevant.

Bob

This is a big weekend for us. It's Fleet Week.

Gene

Yay! Feet Week!

Bob

No, Fleet Week. Why would there be a "Feet Week?"

Gene

I don't know. There's Arbor Day. Who needs that?