Bob Belcher quotes from Bob's Burgers

Bob

Hey, kids.

Louise

Um, hey, Dad.

Bob

I had to get away from those anuses for a while.

Tina

You mean Mort and Teddy?

Bob

Ha, no. Gail's paintings.

Linda

Okay my little cow pokes, time for school. You can watch the rest tonight.

Louise

Mom! How could you!

Linda

How could I what?

Louise

How could you encourage this?

Linda

Oh Louise, don't be a pill. A little father-son bonding is going on here, and that's a good thing. These two don't always do it so well.

Gene

Tambourine solo!

Bob

[weakly rattles tambourine] Yeesh.

Bob

Alright, this is how you throw a spiral. Here comes the bullet. Ugh! Stupid ball! It's 'cause there's no laces.

Gene

I'm hungry.

Bob

Alright, we're done. Go inside.

Gene

I WANT PEANUT BUTTER!

Bob

It turns out we bond better over movies that I like to watch, that I make Gene watch.

Gene

YEAH!

Louise

Oh that's... That's adorable. I'm going to school.

Bob

Good.

Gene

Great. Why don't you learn something and become a lawyer.

Bob

Alright, listen. You kids are going to be on your best behavior, right now. The landlord Mr. Fischoedeor is coming over to talk about the lease, and we don’t know if he’s gonna renew.

Linda

He’ll renew.

Bob

Well, we haven’t always paid our rent on time.

Linda

We never pay our rent on time.

Bob

Thanks, Lin.

You should keep your freaky kids locked up in your own place.

Bob

[furious] What did you say about my kids?

Linda

Hit him in his handsome groin!

Mr. Fischoeder

Bob, you might be the worst tenant I've ever had. And I rent space to a raccoon sanctuary!

Bob

I know. They're next door. I've been meaning to talk to you about it.

Hugo

This is big! You have to close. The whole building will have to be tented for 48 hours.

Bob

Great. There goes our weekend revenue.

Linda

Oohh! Two days off. Bobby, we could use it!

Bob

I guess it has been a while since we've had a break...

Linda

Yeah. Ten years!

Bob

What? That can't be right.

Linda

Ten years, Bob. TEN YEARS.

Hugo

[sarcastic] You're really living the dream, Linda!

Bob

Are you kidding? I wish I could afford a urinal cake ad.

Linda

Ooh! All this talk about cake is making me hungry!

Bob

Gene, are you kidding me?! The name of the restaurant is Bob's Burgers! You live above it! You work in it every day!

Gene

Well I call you "Dad"! I think of it as "Dad's Burgers!"

Teddy

My uncle Paddy told me about it. He used to work in Caffery's, back in the fifties. He was his maid.

Bob

Your uncle Paddy... was a maid?

Teddy

All maids were men back then. Until women joined the workforce and took all the maid jobs away.

Linda

Alright girls! Go girls!

Linda

[worried] They're not here! I got Tina's diary, let's see if it says anything. [reads diary] "Dear Diary, tonight we're sneaking into the dangerous taffy factory. Also, if boys had uteruses they'd be called duderuses".

Bob

Ha, "duderuses."

Louise

Action!

Bob

[practicing] As you know, sir, we have several loans with your institution, all "past due." But what does "past due" even mean, you know?

Gene

It's brilliant! There's no such thing as time!

Linda

Gene was past due, and he came out fine.

Gene

I wish I'd stayed in there! [Dives under the table]

Linda

Hey! Get outta there!

Gene

LEMME IN!

Linda

Gene! Bob!

Bob

D’oh.

Linda

[annoyed] This is your son.

Louise

Sorry, Gene, no backsies.

Gene

You can't put the candy back in mom's wrapper.

Bob

Wow. Louise, You pulled a Caddyshack?

Louise

What's a Caddyshack?

Bob

The movie, Caddyshack.

Louise

I don't know it.

Bob

Wait, so, you you didn't just throw a candy bar in the pool?

Louise

No.

Bob

Wow

Louise

Yeah.

Bob

That's impressive.

Bob

Are we just going to ignore the fact that Louise just pooped in the pool?

Louise

Ignore it? I named it. Jezebel.

Linda

Awwww. My little grandoody.

Linda

You were right, Bob. I needed to let my baby birds fly. My bratty little baby birds fly with their crappy little wings. Sometimes you gotta push 'em out the window.

Bob

Yeah.

Linda

You gotta just push 'em right out there and if they fall flat [slaps hands together] then that's them.

Louise

That's gotta be the food critic!

Bob

A Civil War reenactor?

Louise

Ugh, I can't stand all that drab grey. No wonder they lost!