Tina Belcher quotes from Bob's Burgers

Tina

We gotta make this samaright.

Tina

And the only force in all of Japan who could stop them are

Tina

Kissing is one of the great parts of life, like dancing. Or rainy days. Or those croissants Meryl Streep made in that movie. We don't have to not kiss. We just have to smart kiss... and now, I am going to kiss everyone in this row.

Tina

I mean, zombies are more sexy than scary, right? I think everyone would agree with that.

Tina

Full disclosure, this is squirrel blood, not human. Um, but each squirrel only bleeds a few ounces, so... do the math. (Groans) So many squirrels! SHE PEELS THEM LIKE FRUIT ROLL-UPS!

Bob

Tina, you're on the grill.

Tina

My crotch is itchy.

Eww...!

Bob

Okay... are you telling me as my daughter or as my grill cook?

Tina

Umm... As...

Bob

Because my grill cook would never tell me that.

Tina

[downcast] Oh.

Bob

Also, my daughter should probably not say anything like that to me. Tell her, tell your mom.

Tina

[turns to Linda] My crotch is itchy.

Linda

C'mere, let me see.

Bob

[as Gene and Louise crowd around Tina] Linda! Not now.

Louise

No, let's all see it!

Bob

No!

Bob

Tina, listen to me. You're not going anywhere. I'm your father.

Yes, Tina. But I am your Capoeira instructor. [starts to leave]

Tina

Wait. I'm going to class with you. [starts to follow him]

Bob

Tina, what are you doing?

Tina

Dad, you don't understand!

Bob

I understand you're grounded, effective right now!

Linda

Bob, let her go.

Bob

No! She's grounded, Lin!

Linda

We all just need a minute to calm down.

Bob

Hey, Tina, you walk out that door, and you're no longer my grill cook.

Louise

Dad, calm down. I-I'll go get her. [opens the door and shouts after Tina] YOU GET OUTTA HERE, YOU HEAR ME?! NEVER LOOK BACK! YOU ARE DEAD TO US! [comes back in] Sorry, Dad, there's no getting through to that one.

Bob

Thanks, Louise, that was... very helpful.

Louise

[rehearsing] Red leather, yellow leather. Red leather, yellow leather.

Tina

Are you talking to me?

Louise

[angry] I'M WARMING UP MY INSTRUMENT! Unbelievable!

Tina

Um, I'm sorry... uhhhhhhh...

Louise

Hey, I'm sorry. It's pre-show nerves. Come here. Hug for luck.

Louise

YOU FREAKIN' IDIOT! YOU DON'T HUG FOR LUCK IN THE THEATRE!

Tina

Uhhh...

Louise

Shush, shush. I'm sorry baby. Shush, I didn't mean it baby. You know how I get before a big show, baby. You know how I get... GET OFFA ME! YOU'RE SMUDGING MY MAKE-UP!

Tina

Uuhh...

Louise

YOU WANT ME TO GO OUT IN FRONT OF THESE PEOPLE WITH THIS MAKE-UP ALL SMUDGED, YOU CLUMSY OAF?!

Tina

Uuhh...

Louise

Sorry, baby, come here...

Bob

Hey, kids.

Louise

Um, hey, Dad.

Bob

I had to get away from those anuses for a while.

Tina

You mean Mort and Teddy?

Bob

Ha, no. Gail's paintings.

Gene

Is Dad going to jail?

Tina

I'll wave at you every day.

Louise

Word of advice: don't tell them what you're in for.

Gene

I hope our new dad is blonde.

Louise

I've been honest with these two ever since Gene got too fat.

Gene

And I remember the ice cream sandwich that did it. I regret nothing!

Louise

And Tina, bad breath every day.

Tina

Not if you like fish.

Louise

Your room looks like it was decorated by a perverted jockey.

Tina

When you say that, I feel like you're trying to hurt my feelings.

Louise

Oh my god! Why do you talk so SLOW!

Tina

When you say that, I feel—

Louise

Tina, this is really, really boring.

Tina

Okay, well-

Mr. Frond

Ok, ABS. The conflict resolution program sweeping our school. You all know my system. And at the spaghetti dinner so will your parents or legal guardians. Um, Becky. 'Cause your mom's in jail. Tina, Jocelyn, Jimmy Junior, let's rehearse! Becky, you just watch. Tina here just found out that her best friend Jocelyn told Jimmy Junior here that Tina is whack. And... acting.

Tina, Jocelyn told me that you're whack.

Tina

Jocelyn, you skank! I hate you.

Whatever. It's true, you are whack.

Mr. Frond

And freeze! Wow, that resolved nothing. Let's rewind, shall we?

Mr. Frond

Let's work out our ABS. A: Access your feelings.

Tina

When you gossiped about me to Jimmy Junior, it hurt my feelings.

Mr. Frond

B: Be apologetic.

Sorry.

Mr. Frond

S: slap it! [slaps own butt]

Well done. Do it just like that at the dinner.

Mr. Frond

Oh. Enjoy your lunch, everyone!

Tina

[to Jocelyn] If you ever gossip about me to Jimmy Junior outside of the conflict resolution skit, I'll punch you in the face.

It was just a skit, Tina.

Tina

I will punch you. Again, and again, and again, and again, and again—

What a psycho.

Tina

—And again, and again, and again, and again— [door slams]

Gene

I just can't stop banging things down here, the acoustics are great. Tina what song is this? [bangs brick on wall]

Tina

"Aqua Boogie," by P-funk?

Gene

Yes! Wow.

Tina

I will punch you.

I will punch YOU!

Louise

Ooh! He will!