Gene Belcher quotes from Bob's Burgers

Gene

Dad, don't forget to get more monkey brains!

Louise

Yeah, and we need more unicorn testicles.

Tina

That's where dreams are born.

Gene

It's him! It's the Moody Foodie!

Bob

Gene, that's Mike the mailman. You've seen him every day for the last five years.

Gene

It's the long con!

Tina

[pointing at Gene] It's him!

Bob

Tina, that's Gene.

Tina

Long con!

Gene

What kind of a maniac wakes up an hour early to write erotic fanfiction?!

Tina

Me.

Louise

Are there any shows or movies left in the world that you haven't perved up?

Tina

No. That's why I've started writing erotic friend fiction, using people at school. And zombies.

Gene

Oh! Do the janitor and the vice principal! I think they'd have beautiful children!

Tina

I did, and they don't.

Tina

Detention is no big deal, Mom. Don't have a crap attack.

Linda

What did you just say?!

Tina

A crap attack? Don't... have one?

Linda

Don't you tell me not to have a crap attack! I'll have a crap attack anytime I want! Now go to your room!

Tina

This is such a snoregasm. [leaves]

Linda

Huh! What the hell was that about?

Louise

What is it?

Bob

A "crap attack"?

Yeah.

Bob

I don't know. [to Linda] Do you?

Linda

Don't look at me!

Louise

Well, you're the one that wanted to have one.

Bob

You're the one that sent her into her room for saying it.

Linda

I don't know what these kids are saying!

Bob

... "Don't have a crap attack!" [chuckles]

HAAAAAAA!!!

Linda

Nice, Bob. Nice.

Linda

I can't believe Tina got detention! She's changing, Bobby. Tina's turning into a teen!

Louise

You've lost her, Mom. Time to focus on your good daughter - Gene!

Gene

I'm pretty!

Bob

You know, maybe you're overreacting, Lin. I mean, you did have a crap attack.

Louise

HAAAAAA!!!

Tammy

[pointing at Tina] You're a freak! [kids laugh, Tammy farts]

Louise

TAMMY FARTED!

Gene

Oh my God, my ears can smell it! [backs away pointing at Tammy] Laugh-fart, laugh-fart!

Zeke

Tammy made a blammy! Ha ha ha, gross!

Tammy

No, it— I didn't do it, it wasn't my butt! [farts] That wasn't me! [farts, cries, and runs away] No, no, it wasn't me. Ow, ow! That one hurt.

Linda

There's my little candy corns! Ooh! Sad Wolverine! Scary, and sad.

Louise

I'm Edward Scissorhands, Mom.

Bob

Uh, I'm not sure about you walking around with scissors all night, Louise.

Linda

[holding up spoons] Why don't you be Edward Spoonhands?

Louise

[uses her scissors to grab them and toss them away] Get real. It's Halloween, not Hallowuss.

Linda

And Tina's a mummy! Sexy!

Tina

[wrapped in toilet paper, holding a baby doll] Last year I was a mummy. This year, I'm a mommy mummy. And I'm single, and I'm working two jobs, and I'm just trying to get back out there.

Bob

Tina, you have to put your costume back on the roll tomorrow. I'm not losing that much TP.

Tina

Okay.

Linda

Oh, and Gene looks great, too! Wait, what are you, hon?

Gene

I'm rapper/actress Queen Latifah from her "U.N.I.T.Y." phase.

Linda

Oh god, so specific and political, I love it!

Gene

Where are we?

Louise

I think it's a country club.

Tina

It's like a huge miniature golf course!

Gene

The windmills are going to be enormous!

Oh, those kids are really getting it. I remember Hell Hunt. Still can't stand the sight of eggs. Won't eat 'em, won't touch 'em.

Gene

What about a nice egg salad?

No more egg talk!

Gene

Yes more egg talk!

Ahh!

Gene

Eggs!

Louise

Tina, come on.

Tina

But Milo and Ned are back there, and they need us.

Gene

Do they, though?

Louise

Tina, this isn't our fight! Do you really want to stay here and get pee-ballooned?

Gene

Yeah. I can pee on myself, I don't need any handouts!

Tina

Listen, this town gave us the best candy we've ever seen. We owe it to them to go back.

Gene

Great. Now my candy tastes like guilt.

Louise

Augh, FINE! We'll go back and save Milo and what's-his-face, but I get to slap Gene!

Tina

That's fair.

Gene

We're working girls now!

You're a girl?

Gene

Yes!

Bob

No he's not.

Gene

Yes I am!

Bob

You're not a girl!

Gene

Tell that to my vagina!

Gene

[addressing a large pot] Duval, is that you in there?

[from the pot] No one's in this pot. Go away. I am the spaghetti.

Gene

Yeah, it's a little weird, but it's his selection process.

Tina

It's like The Bachelor, except at the end, the one he chooses gets eaten.

Louise

That's what happens on the real Bachelor, too. They just don't show it on camera.

Louise

Why does it have to be Thanksgiving, Father? I want it to be Father's Day. Every day!

Gene

Here you go, Father! You must be dehydrated from being too awesome!

Mr. Fischoeder

[passes ticket] Take it down a notch.

Tina

Hey, do you remember that thing that we did together that was really fun?

Mr. Fischoeder

That's pathetic.

Bob

You remember "The Deepening", right?

Teddy

Remember it? I was in it! I was Handsome Lifeguard Number 3!

Teddy

What?

Bob

It's just that we're looking at the "after" here. It's kinda hard to picture the "before".

Gene

Bob!