TV show quotes
[Bob gasps in horror at the paintings]
Oh God. Oh my God, Lin.
It's just a few days, Bobby.
Linda, there are animal anuses all over our walls!
Just think of them as cute little rumps.
Lin, they're anuses. I'm trying to think of worse paintings to hang in a restaurant. Um, nope, I can't think of any!
Hey, kids.
Um, hey, Dad.
I had to get away from those anuses for a while.
You mean Mort and Teddy?
Ha, no. Gail's paintings.
[Bob defiantly hangs up an "anus" painting. Edith gasps in shock]
YOU ARE IN DIRECT VIOLATION OF MY WIFE, BOB!
Is Dad going to jail?
I'll wave at you every day.
Word of advice: don't tell them what you're in for.
I hope our new dad is blonde.
I've been honest with these two ever since Gene got too fat.
And I remember the ice cream sandwich that did it. I regret nothing!
And Tina, bad breath every day.
Not if you like fish.
Your room looks like it was decorated by a perverted jockey.
When you say that, I feel like you're trying to hurt my feelings.
Oh my god! Why do you talk so SLOW!
When you say that, I feel—
Tina, this is really, really boring.
Okay, well-
Okay my little cow pokes, time for school. You can watch the rest tonight.
Mom! How could you!
How could I what?
How could you encourage this?
Oh Louise, don't be a pill. A little father-son bonding is going on here, and that's a good thing. These two don't always do it so well.
[cuts to:]
Tambourine solo!
[weakly rattles tambourine] Yeesh.
[cuts to:]
Alright, this is how you throw a spiral. Here comes the bullet. Ugh! Stupid ball! It's 'cause there's no laces.
I'm hungry.
Alright, we're done. Go inside.
I WANT PEANUT BUTTER!
[returns]
It turns out we bond better over movies that I like to watch, that I make Gene watch.
YEAH!
Oh that's... That's adorable. I'm going to school.
Good.
Great. Why don't you learn something and become a lawyer.
Ok, ABS. The conflict resolution program sweeping our school. You all know my system. And at the spaghetti dinner so will your parents or legal guardians. Um, Becky. 'Cause your mom's in jail. Tina, Jocelyn, Jimmy Junior, let's rehearse! Becky, you just watch. Tina here just found out that her best friend Jocelyn told Jimmy Junior here that Tina is whack. And... acting.
Tina, Jocelyn told me that you're whack.
Jocelyn, you skank! I hate you.
Whatever. It's true, you are whack.
[They weakly fight]
And freeze! Wow, that resolved nothing. Let's rewind, shall we?
[Tina and Jocelyn pretend they are being rewound]
Let's work out our ABS. A: Access your feelings.
When you gossiped about me to Jimmy Junior, it hurt my feelings.
B: Be apologetic.
Sorry.
S: slap it! [slaps own butt]
[Tina and Jocelyn high-five]
Well done. Do it just like that at the dinner.
[school bell rings]
Oh. Enjoy your lunch, everyone!
[to Jocelyn] If you ever gossip about me to Jimmy Junior outside of the conflict resolution skit, I'll punch you in the face.
It was just a skit, Tina.
I will punch you. Again, and again, and again, and again, and again—
What a psycho.
—And again, and again, and again, and again— [door slams]
Alright, listen. You kids are going to be on your best behavior, right now. The landlord Mr. Fischoedeor is coming over to talk about the lease, and we don’t know if he’s gonna renew.
He’ll renew.
Well, we haven’t always paid our rent on time.
We never pay our rent on time.
Thanks, Lin.
When I die I want you to cremate me and throw my ashes in Tom Selleck's face.
You should keep your freaky kids locked up in your own place.
[furious] What did you say about my kids?
Hit him in his handsome groin!
Bob, you might be the worst tenant I've ever had. And I rent space to a raccoon sanctuary!
I know. They're next door. I've been meaning to talk to you about it.
This is big! You have to close. The whole building will have to be tented for 48 hours.
Great. There goes our weekend revenue.
Oohh! Two days off. Bobby, we could use it!
I guess it has been a while since we've had a break...
Yeah. Ten years!
What? That can't be right.
Ten years, Bob. TEN YEARS.
[sarcastic] You're really living the dream, Linda!
We don't celebrate Lobsterfest. We're like Jews on Christmas.
Or Jews for Jesus on Hanukkah.
Or me at a lesbian bar. Last night. Watched a hockey game at a lesbian bar, Bob. It was like I was invisible.
Let's release the lobster back into the supermarket from whence he came!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Bob's Burgers pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
