Andrew quotes from Big Mouth

Andrew

My mom says I'm sweet and that's why spiders keep biting me.

Andrew

My dad is not a man. He is a one star Yelp review come to life.

Maurice

Knock knock, who's there? It's the Hormone Monster.

Andrew

No no no no no. You've gotta be kidding me. Nick is right there, sir.

Maurice

And?

Andrew

And I'm a good person. I wouldn't do that laying next to a friend.

Maurice

Then why am I here?

Andrew

Oh my God, you're always right. What the hell is wrong with me?

Maurice

Nothing. You're a perfectly normal gross little dirtbag. Now stare at that cat clock and massage your dinger.

Andrew

So, have you heard from Jessie since the kiss?

Nick

Yeah. I mean, I sent her a text that said "hey" and she sent me a video of a dog dressed like a fisherman.

Andrew

Oh my God.

Nick

Yeah.

Andrew

I guess she likes you.

Nick

Yeah, I think so. I mean, the dog had a hat and a raincoat, tiny fishing pole.

Andrew

No, I've seen it.

Nick

It's like fun and playful but also...

Andrew

But you don't send it lightly.

Nick

I'm still figuring out what I want to send back.

Maurice

Oh oh oh. Tell him to send a dick pic. Girls love that. Especially when it comes out of nowhere with like zero context.

Andrew

This whole thing with Jessi, it makes you wonder, like, hey! Women! Do we even need them?

Jay

What? Yes, of course we do. What about my mom? And, like, whores?

Jay

There's no way girls are as horny as I am.

Andrew

That's true. Jay fucks his pillow.

Jay

I also once fucked this really sexy bag of potting soil.

Andrew

See? They can't be like Jay.

Jay

To completion.

Andrew

The boy is a deviant.

Jay

I'm not allowed back in that greenhouse.

Dolphoodle. It's a cross between a dolphin and a poodle. Andrew, you know him.

Andrew

I promise you I don't. Oh, dear God in heaven. Uh, hi, boy.

No, don't, my friend. Kevin eats fingers. He thinks they're baby corn.

Andrew

I couldn't sleep.

Missy

I know, me neither. I don't know about you, but I was thinking about the Caldera and how we need to savor every moment before life is ripped from us by a storm of airborne ejecta.

Maurice

Ejecta? Oh, she wants it. You should take out your penis.

Missy

I shouldn't have pushed my mons pubis up against you.

Andrew

Your mom's what?

Andrew

Maury, why is this all so complicated?

Maurice

I know I'm a broken record on this, but Mercury is in retrograde.

Andrew

Enough with the astrology.

Maurice

Spoken like a two-faced fuckin' Gemini.

Maurice

We talking about eating pussy? Too bad you lost your womb broom.

Andrew

My womb broom?

Maurice

Womb broom, your mustache. It's a little term I picked up in the Marines. Semper Fi.

Andrew

Is that Captain Crunch?

Maurice

I'd follow that guy to the bottom of the ocean.

Nick

I think I'm gonna talk to Gina at lunch.

Andrew

What? You're gonna talk to her? Do you want to borrow the cardigan I carry around to cover my boners?

Maurice

I don't see a sign anywhere that says "don't jerk off to our daughter."

Andrew

It's implied!

Andrew

Hey, mom? Have you ever done something that you, you know, regretted?

What did you do, you little pervert?

Don't tell me, Andrew. Whatever you did, don't ever tell me.

Andrew

No, I'm just asking if you've ever felt ashamed.

I'm ashamed of everything. It's my great shame.

Don't ask your mother about shame. That's why I pay synagogue dues. So that you can talk to Rabbi Poblart if you have a problem.

Andrew

But you don't pay synagogue dues.

You're damn right I don't. And I'm not gonna pay a dime! Not until Poblart gives up one of his three parking spots! We wandered the desert for forty years so that this man can park at a diagonal? Pheh!

Andrew

Oh, okay. You want to trade in stereotypes, old man? Well I bet you... I bet you have sex with little boys!

Old man? I'm thirty-two!

Andrew

Oh, big wow.

I've boned down with grown-ass women.

Andrew

Oh, who cares.

Divorcees!