Maurice quotes from Big Mouth

Maurice

Uh oh. Dickarus is flying too close to the sun.

Maurice

Seriously, I was like, "why is your dad having sex with a messenger bag on?" and then I was like "oh, those are his balls." I can't get 'em out of my mind, you know? It's like, is he seeing a doctor? Because there could be something wrong. It's weird, too, because they're veiny but there's no hair. It's smooth. That's the weight, right? Pulling down the skin? I honestly wonder if he ever poops on his own balls. He's probably gotta drape 'em outside the toilet. Maybe that's how he came up with the illuminated toilet seat. I told some kid about that and he went on Shark Tank and made millions. I feel like I should tell your dad, but I'm scared he's gonna hit me in the head with that big pillowcase full of watermelons. Ah, the boy is asleep. What a kid. And what a set of nuts. Jesus Christ, what a thing to live up to.

Maurice

Andrew, let me in! I will not be ignored! I will burn this place to the ground and fuck the ashes! I have been blowing loads since the dawn of time!

Maurice

I never wanted to tame you, I just wanted to keep a toothbrush and a few spare dicks at your apartment!

Maurice

With all due respect, Connie, this girl's a little fucking cunt, and me and the boy are going to kill ourselves tonight.

Maurice

The guy makes me laugh, he's like Tracy Morgan. I don't know if he knows he's funny, but he's fuckin' funny.

Maurice

One, two, three... I'm missing a dick. Everyone check their butts.

Maurice

I think Lola might have given you a concussion. How many penises am I holding up?

Maurice

Knock knock, who's there? It's the Hormone Monster.

Andrew

No no no no no. You've gotta be kidding me. Nick is right there, sir.

Maurice

And?

Andrew

And I'm a good person. I wouldn't do that laying next to a friend.

Maurice

Then why am I here?

Andrew

Oh my God, you're always right. What the hell is wrong with me?

Maurice

Nothing. You're a perfectly normal gross little dirtbag. Now stare at that cat clock and massage your dinger.

Nick

Are you the Puberty Fairy?

Maurice

The FUCK did you just call me?

Nick

The Puberty Fairy?

Maurice

Puberty Fairy? I'm the Hormone Monster! I'm not a fairy. I mean, sure, I fuck around with dudes, but I'm not a fairy.

Andrew

So, have you heard from Jessie since the kiss?

Nick

Yeah. I mean, I sent her a text that said "hey" and she sent me a video of a dog dressed like a fisherman.

Andrew

Oh my God.

Nick

Yeah.

Andrew

I guess she likes you.

Nick

Yeah, I think so. I mean, the dog had a hat and a raincoat, tiny fishing pole.

Andrew

No, I've seen it.

Nick

It's like fun and playful but also...

Andrew

But you don't send it lightly.

Nick

I'm still figuring out what I want to send back.

Maurice

Oh oh oh. Tell him to send a dick pic. Girls love that. Especially when it comes out of nowhere with like zero context.

Maurice

You don't know what's in that backpack. I bet it's filled to the brim with dildos.

Missy

Hey, Andrew, do you want to play Travel Scrabble?

Maurice

Oh, she wants it so bad.

Jay

We can relieve Jessi of her horniness by touching her boobs! She'll be grateful. I know if I was walking around with a red bra on my dick, I'd want somebody to touch my dick, right?

Maurice

You're a little fuckin' freak. I like hanging out with you.

Andrew

I couldn't sleep.

Missy

I know, me neither. I don't know about you, but I was thinking about the Caldera and how we need to savor every moment before life is ripped from us by a storm of airborne ejecta.

Maurice

Ejecta? Oh, she wants it. You should take out your penis.

Andrew

Maury, why is this all so complicated?

Maurice

I know I'm a broken record on this, but Mercury is in retrograde.

Andrew

Enough with the astrology.

Maurice

Spoken like a two-faced fuckin' Gemini.