TV show quotes
Characters
Maurice20 quotes
AndrewJohn Mulaney · 17 quotes
JayJason Mantzoukas · 14 quotes
ConnieElisabeth Moss · 13 quotes
JessiJessi Klein · 9 quotes
NickNick Kroll · 7 quotes
LolaGloria Santos · 6 quotes
Missy4 quotes
Shame WizardDavid Thewlis · 4 quotes
Coach Steve3 quotes
Most scenes together: Maurice & Andrew (6), Connie & Jessi (5), Jay & Nick (3)
Knock knock, who's there? It's the Hormone Monster.
No no no no no. You've gotta be kidding me. Nick is right there, sir.
And?
And I'm a good person. I wouldn't do that laying next to a friend.
Then why am I here?
Oh my God, you're always right. What the hell is wrong with me?
Nothing. You're a perfectly normal gross little dirtbag. Now stare at that cat clock and massage your dinger.
Are you the Puberty Fairy?
The FUCK did you just call me?
The Puberty Fairy?
Puberty Fairy? I'm the Hormone Monster! I'm not a fairy. I mean, sure, I fuck around with dudes, but I'm not a fairy.
Why do you smell so good?
Because I don't wear deodorant and I only take bubble baths.
So, have you heard from Jessie since the kiss?
Yeah. I mean, I sent her a text that said "hey" and she sent me a video of a dog dressed like a fisherman.
Oh my God.
Yeah.
I guess she likes you.
Yeah, I think so. I mean, the dog had a hat and a raincoat, tiny fishing pole.
No, I've seen it.
It's like fun and playful but also...
But you don't send it lightly.
I'm still figuring out what I want to send back.
Oh oh oh. Tell him to send a dick pic. Girls love that. Especially when it comes out of nowhere with like zero context.
You don't know what's in that backpack. I bet it's filled to the brim with dildos.
Hey, Andrew, do you want to play Travel Scrabble?
Oh, she wants it so bad.
Come on, Andrew. No girl's gonna hook up with you if you're gay. They're gonna think all you do is stick your dick inside other dudes' dicks.
This whole thing with Jessi, it makes you wonder, like, hey! Women! Do we even need them?
What? Yes, of course we do. What about my mom? And, like, whores?
Okay, how about this: we'll say Jessi puts peanut butter on her dog's dick and licks it off. Yum yum yum.
Aren't you supposed to put the peanut butter on your own dick?
Oh, wow. That would feel way better.
Oh my God, what are you, like, her mom?
Yeah, are you gonna, like, divorce her dad and then marry some guy who lives in another state and then sometimes your daughter has to, like, Uber to school because it's cheaper for you to fly back on a Tuesday, or like what?
Everything I know, I owe to my brothers.
Where are Val and Kurt?
Oh, man. They're at some bitchin' high school party tonight. They made me trim their pubes before they left because they are out there swingin' dicks and bonin' chicks.
Stop trying to make out with me, you lesbo! You're not my mom!
There's no way girls are as horny as I am.
That's true. Jay fucks his pillow.
I also once fucked this really sexy bag of potting soil.
See? They can't be like Jay.
To completion.
The boy is a deviant.
I'm not allowed back in that greenhouse.
We can relieve Jessi of her horniness by touching her boobs! She'll be grateful. I know if I was walking around with a red bra on my dick, I'd want somebody to touch my dick, right?
You're a little fuckin' freak. I like hanging out with you.
Uh oh. Dickarus is flying too close to the sun.
If you need me, I'll be in the bubble bath watching Dr. Drew Pinsky. He looks like a sexy turtle.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Big Mouth pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
