“The Shame Wizard” quotes from Big Mouth

Jay

Dr. Birch, can I eat my quinoa burger in the pool? I'm still peeing.

Maurice

I don't see a sign anywhere that says "don't jerk off to our daughter."

Andrew

It's implied!

Andrew

Hey, mom? Have you ever done something that you, you know, regretted?

What did you do, you little pervert?

Don't tell me, Andrew. Whatever you did, don't ever tell me.

Andrew

No, I'm just asking if you've ever felt ashamed.

I'm ashamed of everything. It's my great shame.

Don't ask your mother about shame. That's why I pay synagogue dues. So that you can talk to Rabbi Poblart if you have a problem.

Andrew

But you don't pay synagogue dues.

You're damn right I don't. And I'm not gonna pay a dime! Not until Poblart gives up one of his three parking spots! We wandered the desert for forty years so that this man can park at a diagonal? Pheh!

Jessi

What if I get caught?

Connie

That's what makes it so exciting! Like screwing a stranger at a minor league baseball game.

Andrew

Oh, okay. You want to trade in stereotypes, old man? Well I bet you... I bet you have sex with little boys!

Old man? I'm thirty-two!

Andrew

Oh, big wow.

I've boned down with grown-ass women.

Andrew

Oh, who cares.

Divorcees!

You know what? If I did fuck little boys, you wouldn't be one of them!

Andrew

A lot of adult men would be attracted to me and this big can of mine.

Maurice

One, two, three... I'm missing a dick. Everyone check their butts.

I'm Andrew's father's associate, Susan. He masturbates to me every night.

Maurice

Objection! He masturbates to her during the day as well.

Hey, let's buy a dog from a puppy mill and say we got it from a shelter.