Smart Beavis quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

Butt-head

Only two dollars to see Sonic Youth?

Beavis

That's a good deal.

Butt-head

[addressing a woman in the video] Hey, how's it goin'? What high school do you go to?

Beavis

I go to the same high school you go to, what are you talking about, Butt-head?

Butt-head

I was talking to the chick, Beavis! Dumbass!

Beavis

Well, you should have said "Hey, baby" then. Like this, hey baby! How's it going?

Butt-head

Go for it, dude, she wants you!

Beavis

Yeah, yeah, go for it, go for it! She wants you, c'mon! Slam into her! Slam into her, c'mon! Go for it! C'mon, grab her!

Butt-head

Yeah, yeah, go for it!

Beavis

Grab her!

Butt-head

Yeah!

Beavis

C'mon! Go for it!

Butt-head

See, now that dude knows how to do it.

And tell the story of the jelly rollin'...

Butt-head

Tell the story of the choad?

Beavis

This is the story of a lonely little choad. He never scored. And that's the end.

Butt-head

I think that's like, uh, your story, Beavis.

Beavis

It's your story too, butthole!

Butt-head

You sit too close to me, Beavis. Could you like, move a little further down the couch?

Beavis

No way, Butt-head! You move! I'm all comfortable.

Butt-head

If this was a real concert, some roadie'd be up there in like two seconds, kicking their asses off the stage.

Beavis

Yeah, he'd just like, throw 'em out into the crowd.

Butt-head

That dude would probably break a bunch of bones and stuff, but at least he got some.

Beavis

Hey Butt-head, what is a black hole?

Butt-head

It's sorta like a bunghole. But it's like...

Beavis

[interrupting] Whoa, Butt-head check it out! That's the chick from Whale, remember? That hobo slumping hobo slut, uhh...remember?

Butt-head

Shut up Beavis, I was explaining something!

Beavis

Oh, sorry.

Butt-head

So, a black hole is this giant bunghole in outer space. It sucks up the whole universe, then it grinds it up and sends it all to Hell.

Beavis

Really? That's cool. How do you know all this stuff?

Butt-head

From watching Star Trek, bunghole.

Butt-head

This guy looks like Jesus.

Beavis

Yeah, Christ is cool!

Beavis

This is a ripoff. It's like, when I see a Soundgarden video, I wanna see Soundgarden, not just, like, pictures of Soundgarden.

Butt-head

Uhh, the video is just a bunch of pictures, Beavis.

Beavis

What do you mean, Butt-head?

Butt-head

Everything on TV is just, like, a bunch of pictures of something.

Beavis

No it's not! It's like, sometimes they move.

Butt-head

Yeah, but it's still, like, moving pictures.

Beavis

No it's not, they're moving around! I mean, they're not moving around, but in other videos they're moving around.

Butt-head

Beavis, you're gonna see a moving picture of my foot kicking your ass in about two seconds. Now just shut up and sit still.

All my friends are Indians (all my friends are brown and red)...

Beavis

All his friends are brown and red? What's that supposed to mean?

Butt-head

Uhh, it means they're, like, turds. He's telling his friends that they suck.

Butt-head

No sir, I don't have any spare change. Get those damn spoons out of my face.

Beavis

Get those spoons out of my face before I shove 'em up your butt! Get outta here!

Butt-head

Uh...I think this is like one of those cable access shows where you like call them up and they do like anything you want.

Beavis

No way! Really? Let's call her up!

Butt-head

Yeah. Let's tell her to like shut up and like take all of her clothes off and get over here right now.

Beavis

Yeah! She could fix us something to eat.

Butt-head

You can tell that this is the kind of chick who's like, had her tubes tied.

Beavis

Like, um...how come you know this chick's had her tubes tied?

Butt-head

Just look at her, Beavis!

Beavis

I think I'm gonna go tie my tubes.

Butt-head

Shut up, Beavis!

Butt-head

[addressing a man dressed in a devil costume] Uhh...hey Satan, how's it going?

Beavis

How come whenever you see, like, Satan in a video, it's just some dork in a costume?

Butt-head

Yeah. The real Satan doesn't do videos.

Beavis

Unless it's like for Danzig or something.

Butt-head

If they really had Satan on this song, it's like, you'd hear him talking backwards and stuff, because he can do that.

Beavis

Oh yeah. You know, I can talk backwards.

Butt-head

No you can't!

Beavis

Yes sir! Check this out. [backwards speech] Stnerap ruoy yebo. Loohcs ni yats.

Butt-head

Whoa! That was cool.

Beavis

Yeah, yeah.

Butt-head

Do it again, Beavis!

Beavis

Um, okay. Check this out. Okay, here goes. [backwards speech] Hguone si hguone. [normal speech] See? [backwards speech] Gniog ti s'woh yeh.

Butt-head

That was cool! So, like, what did you say just then?

Beavis

I said "Hey, how's it going?" You should try it.

Butt-head

Uhh, let me see. Uhh...Beavis is a wuss. Ah, I mean, uhh...wuss a is Beavis.

Beavis

Yeah, yeah, see? Anybody can do it. [backwards speech] Stnerap ruoy yebo dna loohcs ni yats.