Smart Beavis quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

Butt-head

I'm not just a Hair Club member, I'm also the president.

Beavis

Heh-heh...you said "member."

Beavis

Oh yeah, yeah, I've seen this before! This chick beats herself in the head later. It's cool.

Butt-head

Uh...oh yeah! This is gonna be cool.

Beavis

You know what this band is called? It's called 7 Year BITCH!

Butt-head

It's like, when a band has a name like 7 Year BITCH, it's like, they don't need to be very good.

Beavis

Also, it helps when [suave voice] they're sexy! Yeah! Ooh, that's a fine lady! These are some fine ladies!

Beavis

Uh...okay, here it comes. [Lead singer hits her open hands against her head] YEAH, COME ON, HIT YOURSELF! YEAH!

Butt-head

She kinda looks like she got a little special feeling from doing that.

We're all so smart, and we're all so dense...

Butt-head

Uh...I think this song is supposed to be about how we're all stupid and stuff.

Beavis

What do you mean? Like WE'RE stupid, or like everybody's stupid?

Butt-head

Dammit Beavis, I don't know! I'm not some rocket...some rocketship or something.

Mr. Boombastic!

Beavis

Yeah! [imitating Shaggy] Yeah, Bombastic! Here it is!

Butt-head

[putting on a foreign accent in imitation] Mr. Romantic, Mr. Bombastic.

Beavis

[babbles faux-Shaggy gibberish, the only comprehensible words are "romantic" and "bombastic"]

Beavis

What does "bombastic" mean, anyway?

Butt-head

Well, it's like, bombastic is even better than fantastic. It's like, if you were scoring with a chick, you'd be saying "Uhh, this is bombastic".

Beavis

Really? I was thinking, if I was gonna score, I'd be going "Yeah, hoowah, spatang, spatang, yeah, tap dat ass!", you know, stuff like that.

Butt-head

Really? I ever score I'm gonna be going [impersonating Shaggy] "This is fantastic, Mr. bombastic."

Beavis

Smooth.

Beavis

What is this accent he's talking in?

Butt-head

Dumbass, it's foreign!

Beavis

Oh yeah.

Butt-head

Damn it Beavis, cut that out!

Beavis

[imitating Shaggy] Bombastic, Mr. Fantastic...

Butt-head

Uh...oh no.

Beavis

This isn't very good, Butt-head.

Butt-head

Thank you, Beavis, like I couldn't have figured that out myself.

Beavis

Yeah, anytime.

Butt-head

Boy, this really isn't very good.

Beavis

Yeah, I know Butt-head. Tell me something I don't know.

Butt-head

Uh...OK. Know the last time you went to the bathroom?

Beavis

Yeah?

Butt-head

I hocked a lugie in your Coke, and you drank it.

Beavis

Um...uh...

Butt-head

It was cool.

Beavis

I knew that! I spit it out.

Butt-head

No you didn't, you drank it.

Beavis

Shut up, Butt-head! I took a dump on a cracker you were eating one time.

Butt-head

Yeah, I remember that, but I didn't eat it.

Beavis

Yeah, but it was cool! You ate the cracker.

Butt-head

Yeah. I took the turd off and finished the cracker.

Butt-head

By the way, this video really sucks, Beavis.

Beavis

Yeah, really. Tell me something I don't--uh, I mean, this sucks!

Beavis

Whoa, check it out, it's Don Henley! I didn't know he was a wuss!

Butt-head

You didn't? Where have you been, Beavis? He's a total wuss!

Beavis

Really?

Butt-head

Yeah. Any time you see a dude on TV and he's like, trying to save some forest or something, it means he's a total wussy.

Beavis

Really? Let me see...Sting, yeah, he's a wuss.

Butt-head

Mm-hm.

Beavis

Let's see, uh, who else...Ted Danson, yeah, he's a wussy.

Butt-head

And don't forget Jackson Browne.

Beavis

AAH! Look at that, he's, like, fiddling around with a dead guy's boobs! This is scary. What if after I die, like, some guy comes around and fiddles around with my wiener?

Butt-head

So what, Beavis? You'd be dead, it doesn't matter.

Beavis

Yeah, I guess so. I guess if I was out in the ocean with a dead chick, I'd probably kiss her.

Butt-head

I'd kiss a dead chick right here.

Beavis

So would I. But that's kinda messed up, Butt-head.

Butt-head

Uhh, I know, I was just kidding, Beavis. You were probably serious.

Beavis

Well, no. Not really.

Butt-head

This dude should get a better apartment.

Beavis

It's like, at least we may not be millionaires, but at least we have decent places to live.

Butt-head

No we don't.

Beavis

Oh, yeah. Well, at least we're pretty happy.

Butt-head

No we're not.

Beavis

Well, at least we have lots of friends.

Butt-head

Not really.

Beavis

Are we healthy?

Butt-head

No.

Beavis

Our lives suck!

Butt-head

Yeah. We're cool.

Beavis

These dances are pretty cool.

Butt-head

Yeah, but they're too easy. Check this out. [the camera cuts back to them. Butt-head makes pelvic thrusts while Beavis punches and kicks in the air. Caption reads "The Dillhole"]

Beavis

That's cool. Remember this one? [the camera cuts back to them. Butt-head shakes his butt while Beavis jumps up and down with a gyrating motion. Caption reads "The Bunghole"]

Butt-head

Or how about this one? [the camera cuts back to them. Butthead jumps back and forth across the room while Beavis sways his arms. Caption reads "The Fartknocker Double Inverted Nad Twist"]

Beavis

Next time we go to a dance, I'm gonna pull down my pants and ask a chick to do the Gorilla.

Butt-head

Beavis, the only dance you know is the Monkey.

Beavis

Oh yeah. I'm gonna do the Monkey right now.