Smart Beavis quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

Butt-head

This reminds me of that joke, where the guy goes to the psychiatrist's office, and he goes "Doctor, my wife thinks she's a chicken". And then the doctor says "Then why don't you choke her?"

Beavis

Oh yeah. [imitates chicken] Bawk-ba-bawk!

Beavis

Check it out, he's watching TV.

Butt-head

Yeah! And it's like, we're watching TV, so it's like, we're watching two TVs for the price of one.

Beavis

Um ... what two TVs? I don't understand.

Butt-head

Beavis, we're watching TV, and then there's another TV in the TV.

Beavis

Oh. There's like a TV inside the TV? Let's break it open and find it! Yeah!

Butt-head

Boy, Beavis. You're stupid.

Beavis

Well, well...okay.

Butt-head

Look at his mouth.

Beavis

Yeah, yeah. It's all encrustulated with grobiels of feces.

Butt-head

See what I mean, Beavis? You got like, some problem of something.

Beavis

Yeah well, your, uh... your mom, you uh, your mom ... yeah.

Beavis

Oh, look at the monkey! You know what they should do? They should like, break that couch. They should like, just rip it up. Like, break it.

Butt-head

Uh ... yeah.

Beavis

Yeah, like that!

Butt-head

Yeah!

Beavis

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! BREAK IT! RIP IT!

Butt-head

Break it!

Beavis

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!

Butt-head

Yes!

Beavis

GET IN THERE

Butt-head

Kick it! Kick the couch!

Beavis

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH! No, no no, don't stop!

Butt-head

Don't stop!

Beavis

Don't stop, dammit!

Butt-head

Quitters never win!

Beavis

Whoa, is this Faces of Death 3?!

Butt-head

Uhhh, no, it's just a video. Butthole.

Beavis

Hey, how come this guy's wearing a dress?

Butt-head

Because he's doing his laundry, dumbass.

Beavis

Oh, really?

Beavis

Yeah, yeah! BUT MMMEEEEEEEEEEEE-AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Butt-head

That sucked, Beavis.

Beavis

Shut up, Butt-head, it was cool!

Beavis

Whoa, a toilet! Cool!

Butt-head

Yeah. Toilets are cool. They figured, like, since this song was getting wimpy right there, they'd like, just, throw a toilet out.

Beavis

Yeah, yeah! I think it helped. I-I wonder if there's a turd inside it?

Butt-head

That's a good question, Beavis. I wondered that myself.

Butt-head

That guy fell over.

Beavis

Yeah, yeah! He's gonna get kicked out of the band.

Butt-head

Yeah. That dude in the dress doesn't put up with that crap.

Beavis

Yeah, yeah. "You stand up straight, play your guitar, and SHUT UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!!!!!!!!!"

Butt-head

Yes!

Beavis

Whoa, whoa, look, look! Eeh, yeah, yeah, car accidents! Yeah!

Butt-head

That was cool! Uh...

Beavis

Uh, laundry! Yeah.

Butt-head

Yeah!

Beavis

Hey, who is this?!

Butt-head

Uh, this is Greta. And this time, he's gone too far!

Beavis

Whoa, look at that wiener!

Butt-head

Yeah! Greta's got quite a unit on him!

Beavis

Yeah! [laughing] He probably has to wear a dress, 'cause like, he can't fit his unit inside a normal pair of pants! It's like, he tries to put his pants on, and it just goes "Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing!"

Beavis

You know one cool thing about having a big wiener, it's like, it's like, it protects your nads, you know?

Butt-head

Uh...

Beavis

It's like, it acts as a shield.

Butt-head

I guess. But getting kicked in the wiener is no picnic either, Beavis.

Beavis

Yeah, but it doesn't hurt as bad, Butt-head. Trust me. Here, I'll demonstrate.

Butt-head

Beavis, I'm gonna kick your ass!

Beavis

Oh, I forgot! You have a small wiener!

Butt-head

Ugh [coughs].

Beavis

You don't have any "nad protection"! Yeah, that was cool!

Butt-head

[coughing] Beavis, as soon as my nads feel better, I'm gonna beat the living crap out of you. Buttknocker!

Beavis

Butt-head. I'm gonna kick you in the nads again! Don't call me that!

Butt-head

You wussy....

Beavis

It's this again.

Butt-head

Whoa! Check it out.

Beavis

Oh wow, it's Grim Reaper again. Whoa, look at that big boat.

Butt-head

These videos are funny.

Beavis

Oh yeah.

Butt-head

These guys should be on that show The State.

Beavis

Yeah. Because they suck.

Beavis

Whoa, what is that thing?

Butt-head

It's like, these guys suck so bad, they have to go to their concerts in these armoured vehicles.

Beavis

You know, that singer, um, he looks a little better in this video, it's like, he doesn't look as ugly as, uh...never mind.

Butt-head

Yeah. It's too bad he's not good looking like me.

Butt-head

Uhh...I think that's supposed to be Wolverine.

Beavis

That's not Wolverine. No, that's not Wolverine.

Butt-head

I know, but like, you know, in England they probably, like, draw him different, because they're dumb.

Beavis

No. That's not Wolverine.

Butt-head

Yeah it is, but he's just like, you know, a little different than the American Wolverine.

Beavis

That is not Wolverine, Butt-head.

Butt-head

Okay, okay, buttmunch, it's not Wolverine! Who cares? Now just shut the hell up so at least I can have a good time watching this crap!

Beavis

Well, how can you have a good time, if it's not really Wolverine, and you think it is...

Butt-head

Dammit Beavis, shut up!