Smart Beavis quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

Butt-head

I heard this dude could bench press, like, 140.

Beavis

Whoa! That's pretty good. Maybe he'll be in the 200 Club someday.

Butt-head

Settle down, Danzig! I wonder what this guy does, like, when he's not doing this?

Beavis

I bet he just scores with chicks, and then just, like, fights alot.

Butt-head

Yeah. I wonder who would win in a fight between Danzig, and uhhhhhhhhh....

Beavis

Uh, Geraldo?

Butt-head

No.

Beavis

Um, eh, Danny Bonaduce?

Butt-head

Yeah! Bonaduce would kick ass!

Beavis

What's he doing? He was, like, shaking his hips back and forth like a little wussy.

Butt-head

Yeah. That little dance isn't very cool.

Butt-head

Uh... is that deadmau5?

Beavis

Oh yeah. He looks like Eminem without his mouse helmet.

Butt-head

Yeah, really.

Beavis

Whoa, check it out. deadmau5 is dead. I'll be damned.

Butt-head

Uh... remember that time that kid at school died?

Beavis

Oh, yeah, yeah. Um, who was that?

Butt-head

Uh...

Beavis

Was it Stewart?

Butt-head

No, Stewart's still alive. We saw him yesterday.

Beavis

Oh, we did? I um, usually don't notice. I know Daria killed herself, I remember that.

Butt-head

Uh... she didn't kill herself, she just moved away.

Beavis

Whoa, really? Wow. You know, that's kinda surprising. I thought she killed herself.

Butt-head

Remember when they set that grief counselor to talk to us right after, uh... whatever his name was died?

Beavis

Oh yeah, yeah. He was cool. He let us call him Rick.

Butt-head

Yeah, he like turned his chair backwards and rolled up his sleeves.

Beavis

You know, he invited me over to his apartment for spaghetti too.

Butt-head

Uh, that's kinda weird. You didn't go, did you?

Beavis

Um, I don't really remember. Last thing I remember, I got into his van, and um, he gave me some lemonade, and then the next thing I remember, I woke up under a bridge.

Butt-head

Uh... are you just making this up? You never told me about this.

Beavis

See, that's exactly what Rick said would happen if I ever told anybody. He would say I made it up, see?

Butt-head

Uh...

Beavis

He's a smart guy, that Rick.

Butt-head

Uh... okay, Beavis.

Beavis

You know, I think he can see into the future too because he also told me that my butt might hurt for a couple of days. And it did. You see that? Amazing.

Beavis

Well I'll be damned, it's Dave Navarro.

Butt-head

Who?

Beavis

Dave Navarro. See, umh he, uh...he was in another band, but then he quit, and now he's in the Chili Peppers or something.

Butt-head

How do you know?

Beavis

I saw it on MTV News. [imitates the theme music] Pee-pee-pee-pee-pee-pee-pee...you hear it first. Pee-pee-pee-pee-pee-pee-pee!

Butt-head

You're a dork, Beavis.

Butt-head

Did you hear it from Kurt Scrotur?

Beavis

No, from Tabitha Sore-End. Get it? Sore end?

Butt-head

I get it, Beavis. You're a dork. [Scoffs] You know the MTV News theme song.

Butt-head

How come the Chili Peppers have new guitar player, like, every couple weeks?

Beavis

Well, I think what happens, is, um, like they join the band, and then Flea is just like kickin' ass, and like dancing and Anthony is getting all the chicks, and then like the guitar player is like, "Screw this".

Butt-head

Did you hear that on MTV News? [imitating MTV News theme music] Do-do-do-do-do!

Butt-head

Check it out, he's got a face painted on his stomach.

Beavis

If I was in them, I'd paint a butt on my stomach. And then my bellybutton would be the butthole.

Butt-head

Yeah, but you could just, like, you know, show your real butt, and it would be faster and, like, more realistic. Dumbass.

Beavis

No, no. I don't think you understand what I'm saying. I'd paint the butt on my stomach, see...

Butt-head

Beavis, you're going to have about four buttholes if you don't shut up.

Beavis

It's not my fault if you don't understand, Butt-head! Dumbass!

Beavis

Oh no. This video freaks me out. It's like, you know, I get all excited when I see the chicks, but then I see these stubby dudes, and it, like...makes my testes retract into my globules.

Butt-head

Yeah. It gives me a special feeling in my seminefrious tubules.

Beavis

I wanna do every single girl in this video.

Butt-head

Uhh, you wanna do, like, every girl in every video, Beavis.

Beavis

No. Not really.

Butt-head

Uhh, name one girl in a video that you wouldn't wanna do.

Beavis

Let me think...oh, I know. Um, there's that one video, you know, where they're like, "Been Caught Stealing", and um...there's that one girl and she's, like, you know, stuffing fruit and stuff down her shirt. I don't wanna do her.

Butt-head

Uhh...that's a dude dressed up like a girl, Beavis. That doesn't count.

Beavis

Oh. Uh, let me think..."Wilson Phillips"...uh, no, yes I'd do her...ah, oh, um...no. Boy, maybe you're right. I just wanna make love to all the women of the world.

Butt-head

Me too.

Beavis

Is that the smoke alarm?

Butt-head

Uhh...dammit Beavis, did you burn another burrito?

Beavis

Um...I don't think so.

Butt-head

We need to just take the batteries out of that damn thing.

Beavis

Yeah, but then what if there's a, ah...never mind.

Beavis

Whoa. This is freaking me out.

Butt-head

Yeah. This is weird.

Beavis

I have a sore throat, Butt-head. [coughs] Does it sound scratchy when I talk?

Butt-head

Uhh, yeah, sort of.

Beavis

Really?

Butt-head

Yeah. You're always like, [imitates Beavis] "Yeah, uhuhuhuhuhuhuh."

Beavis

I don't sound like that! [coughs] I'm just gonna be quiet for a while because my throat hurts.

Butt-head

Okay. Good.

Butt-head

You sound really stupid most of the time. You're like [imitates Beavis] "Yeah, yeah, it's pretty cool because...[incoherent gibberish]"

Beavis

Shut up, Butt-head, I don't talk like that! I'm not gonna say anything. I'm just gonna be quiet. Ow! [coughs] Ow!

Butt-head

What's that guy patting his stomach for?

Beavis

Maybe he's got like, a hurt rabbit in his shirt, he's like, going "As soon as we're done with this video, I'm gonna let you out, then I'll give you a carrot, we're gonna fix your leg..."

Butt-head

[interrupting] Dammit Beavis, now see, that's what I'm talking about, right there. You're going, [mockingly] "Yeah, maybe it's that rabbit in his stomach, [incoherent gibberish]..."