Smart Beavis quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

Beavis

Remember that cartoon that had that big, fat dude in it and he used to go "Hey Hey Hey!"?

Butt-head

Oh yeah. And then they had that friend with his eyes cut out of his hat and he would go [In wobbling voice] Hey blblblbaby-let's go aroun-blblblblblblblblbl!

Beavis

Yeah. See, they used to have cool cartoons! Cartoons now just suck.

Beavis

I don't think Dorothy was this hot in the movie.

Butt-head

Chicks were all like ugly in olden times...it was like, really messed up.

Beavis

I guess that's why old dudes are like all cranky and stuff. They're like [imitating an old man's voice] "Back in my day, you'd hardly ever get wood watching TV..." [babbles incoherently]

Beavis

Whoa, that guy's touching his wiener!!!

Butt-head

So? You are too!

Beavis

Yeah! Oh, oh yeah! But that's different.

Butt-head

What's different about it?

Beavis

Um, it's a different wiener!

Butt-head

Yeah, it's probably bigger too.

Beavis

Whoa, check it out. I-I'd like to try peeing on a snail some time. Tha-that'd be cool, yeah!

Butt-head

You wanna pee on a snail?

Beavis

Yeah, yeah, it's like, like, I'd like to pee anywhere outside, but y'know, I just feel like, y'know, peeing on a snail, y'know, ehhh that'd be something different.

Butt-head

Uhhhhh, how 'bout peeing in the toilet?

Beavis

Heh, oh yeah. I haven't done that in a while.

Butt-head

Check it out, a wolf.

Beavis

Whoa, really? I'd like to try peeing on a wolf some time, yeah that'd be cool.

Butt-head

Beavis, if you tried to pee on a wolf, he would bite your wiener off!

Beavis

Ohhhh yeah. I'd like to try maybe peeing on one of these guys, some time, y'know like, while they're asleep?

Butt-head

Yeah, you must get tired of peeing on yourself all the time.

Beavis

Shut up, Butt-head. Y'know, when I was like, y'know, talkin' about peeing on those wolves and stuff?

Butt-head

Uh-huh?

Beavis

I wasn't really gonna do it, y'know. It just like, y'know, it like, helps to talk about it.

Butt-head

This is a happy little tune.

Beavis

Can you change the channel, Butt-head?

Butt-head

Hey, is that that dude who's the host on Family Feud?

Beavis

Oh yeah. Survey SAID!!! Pretty good, huh?

Butt-head

Name the place where I usually kick Beavis.

Beavis

Um, nads?

Butt-head

Survey SAID!!! [imitates buzzer] Buuuuhhhhh!!!! I'm sorry, the correct answer was "ass".

Beavis

Damn it.

Butt-head

And I have to kick you there right now. [smacks Beavis]

Beavis

AAHH! Cut it out, butthole! Family Feud sucks.

Butt-head

Yeah, [scoffs] families.

I get up when I want, except on Wednesdays, when I get rudely wakened by the dustmen...

Butt-head

What the hell language is he speaking?

Beavis

I don't know. It's like, I can hear some American words in there, but then, it's like, I can't really tell what he's saying.

Butt-head

Yeah. This must be English. [Beavis utters mock British gibberish] England sucks. You know those asswipes the Beatles? They ruined music!

Butt-head

How come all these dudes have to put an ice cream truck in their video?

Beavis

I don't know. I guess it's like...whoa, whoa, slap him!

Michael, are you crazy?

Butt-head

Uh, Michael who?

Beavis

Michael Jackson?

Beavis

Oh my god, it's Michael Bolton!

Butt-head

No it's not. [embarrased] Uhh...uh oh.

Beavis

What, what?

Butt-head

I think I just pooped in my pants.

Beavis

No way, really?

Butt-head

I realized it was Michael Bolton, and my bowels let loose.

Beavis

Boy, it's like, he's trying to play heavy metal now or something.

Butt-head

He can probably make any kind of music suck.

Beavis

Yeah, it's like, he's probably gonna do gangsta rap next, probably like [does a bad imitation of Michael Bolton] "Droppin' plates on yo ass, bee-otch!"

Butt-head

Yeah. Then he'd put the smackdown.

Beavis

How come chicks like this dude so much?

Butt-head

There's some snakes and bombs in this. Maybe he has a bomb in his pants!

Beavis

Well, you know, um, you have a BM in your pants. So like, maybe you could, like, y'know, go up to a chick and say, uh, "Yeah, I have a bi-em in my pants".

Butt-head

Beavis, I was just kidding. I didn't poop in my pants. Dumbass.

Butt-head

Uh!

Beavis

UUAUGH!!!! AAAAAAUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Butt-head

UUHH!!!

Beavis

CHANGE IT, BUTT-HEAD!!!!

Butt-head

AUGH!

Beavis

CHANGE IT!!!! COME ON!!!!

Butt-head

Augh!

Beavis

COME ON, BUTT-HEAD, CHANGE IT, CHANGE IT!!!!!!!!!

Butt-head

Come on, Beavis, just check it out.

Beavis

[butting in] CHANGE IT!!! Aah!

Butt-head

I think this is one of those, like, coffee commercials. [singing badly] THE BEST PART OF WAKING UP!

Beavis

"Remember that café in Paris?"

Butt-head

Yeah!

"JEAN PIERE!"

Butt-head

This sucks!

Beavis

Yeah really!

Beavis

AAGH!

Butt-head

UUGH!

Beavis

NO!

Butt-head

Check this out! What a wuss!