Smart Beavis quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

Butt-head

[scoffs] Athletes.

Beavis

Yeah.

Butt-head

Uhh...this is kinda like, a country video. 'Cause it's like, you know, it has, like, football players and like, old people and dogs and stuff in it.

Beavis

Yeah, yeah, it's like, every time you watch TNN, all the videos have that stuff in 'em.

Butt-head

Yeah. All they need now is a big pickup truck.

Beavis

Ohh yeah, yeah.

Butt-head

Uh, I don't like the way he's looking at me.

Beavis

Come on, you wanna start something?

Butt-head

Yeah, it's like his lower jaw sticks out further than his upper jaw. You kinda look like that too, Beavis.

Beavis

No, I don't.

Butt-head

This guy's like, trying to make his voice scratchier than it is.

... even whores can fall for someone...

Butt-head

[imitating Walden's singing] "Even whores fall for someone..." Anyway Beavis, your lower jaw sticks out further than your upper jaw just like this dude.

Beavis

Dammit, Butt-head, it does not.

Butt-head

I think that's part of the reason you look so stupid.

Beavis

No way, Butt-head. I look cool. Not like this guy.

... I'm just speaking from my heart...

Butt-head

Are you listening, Beavis? He speaks from the heart.

Beavis

He speaks from his butt.

Butt-head

You know Beavis, he actually kinda sounds like you, too.

Beavis

Shut up, Butt-head!

[sensually looking at the viewer] ...Tell 'em go and search for someone...

Butt-head

Look at his face.

Beavis

[does a horrified spit take] AHHHH! That was horrible!

Butt-head

I think maybe you need to listen to it again, Beavis. [begins to rewind the video]

Beavis

Butt-head, do not rewind it.

Butt-head

Maybe you're not listening with your heart.

Beavis

No, no, come on Butt-head, no no no, don't rewind it, come on! Butt-head, no! [Walden looks at the viewer sensually again] AHHH, NO! Come on! Butt-head, no! No no!

Butt-head

I have said all I have to say.

Beavis

Dammit, Butt-head... [wretches] I need to go throw up.

Butt-head

You think those guys sleep in separate beds?

Beavis

No way!

Butt-head

Why are these guys so snotty?

Beavis

Yeah. They look all pissed off.

Butt-head

Yeah! And tired!

Butt-head

What's that guy doing back there?

Beavis

He's wang chunging.

Butt-head

That guy's peeing!

Beavis

That's cool! I peed in the gym once!

Butt-head

Really? You're pretty cool, Beavis!

Butt-head

Where are the women in this video?

Beavis

Yeah. They need some chicks, too.

Butt-head

[sees Watt urinating in a bottle] Is he peeing?

Beavis

Yeah, yeah, yeah! He did! That-- yeah, that uh, that's the name of the song. It's called "Piss Bottle Man". Yeah.

Butt-head

Uhh...that's pretty cool, I guess. You know...

Beavis

Yeah, yeah, why not, you know?

Beavis

Hey Butt-head, I was thinking, um…

Butt-head

Shut up, Beavis.

Beavis

Oh my god…

Butt-head

You may be about to see the coolest video you have ever seen in your life.

Beavis

Ohhh.

Butt-head

Now Beavis…uh…Beavis?

Beavis

Ohh. Ohhhh.

Butt-head

[cut back to Beavis and Butt-head. Beavis is completely fixated on the television screen] Uh, Beavis?

Beavis

Ooohohohhhhhhhh. Ohhhhhhh.

Butt-head

This guy's probably just, like, a stuntman or something. I bet he's not even in the band.

Beavis

Ohhhhhh, noooooo.

Butt-head

Like, what's the song supposed to be about, anyway?

Beavis

Shut up, Butt-head! Aaaaahhaaa. Ohoooooohhhhh,

Butt-head

[seeing a homeless man throwing a can] Whoa! Look at that dude back there.

Beavis

Ohhhohhhhh.

Butt-head

Uh, Beavis? Beavis, are you there? Beavis, what's your problem?

Beavis

Oooooooohhhhhhh. Oh no.

Butt-head

Beavis, it's not even real, it's just like, special effects.

Beavis

Aaaaaahhaaaaa. Oooohhhh no. Ooooooohhhhhhhh no.

Butt-head

This is cool! This is a damn good video.

Beavis

Ooohooooooo.

Butt-head

It's like, uh…Beavis, are you gonna say anything.

Beavis

Nooooo…

Butt-head

Dammit Beavis, snap out of it. Dumbass. I'm gonna change the channel.

Beavis

Butt-head, I'm only going to tell you this once - if you touch that remote, I'm gonna kick your ass.

Butt-head

Yeah right. Dammit Beavis, snap out of it right now. [slaps Beavis multiple times]

Beavis

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!! Whoa, what happened? Where am I?

Butt-head

Uh, you're right here, Beavis. What's your problem?

Beavis

I just, like, blacked out or something, what going on?

Butt-head

We just saw a dude running around on fire.

Beavis

No way, really, and I missed it?

Butt-head

Uh, no, you saw the whole thing, dumbass.

Beavis

Wow. Uh, I dunno, I wasn't here.

Beavis

Hey, look at that. Mmm, that looks good! I like those things, they got those things over in the mall, they call 'em, um..."heroes"?

Butt-head

Oh yeah. Whenever we walk by there, the guy goes, [Greek accent] "Gyro? Gyro? Gyro?"

Beavis

Yeah. One of these days, when I have a lot of money, I'm gonna get one of those things.

Butt-head

Yeah. That would rule.

Beavis

This is one of those workout tapes. They make you work out to this tape, you end up looking like a wuss.

Butt-head

Yeah.

Put it in.

Butt-head

Put it in? Cool!

Beavis

Yeah, yeah. Put it in. PUT IT IN!

Take my love and put it in...

Butt-head

Man! I bet this is, like, the horniest dude that ever lived.

Beavis

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. He should, like, wear one of those Viking hats with horns on it.

Butt-head

What? You're a weirdo, Beavis.

Beavis

Yeah, yeah.

Butt-head

How come every time I'm talking about chicks and stuff, you just like, don't get it?

Beavis

I get it! It's just that, you know, I thought it would be cool if, like, he had this hat on with some horns on it. Yeah.

Butt-head

Yeah. Eric the Rod.

Beavis

Yeah, yeah. The Rod. See? See? I got that. Yeah. The Rod.

Beavis

Whoa, check it out! That's that same cat from that Janet Jackson video.

Butt-head

You're looking at the cat? How old are you, Beavis?

Butt-head

Someday, Beavis, you're gonna have urges like me.

Beavis

Shut up, Butt-head. I'm checking out the chick, too.

Butt-head

Yeah.