Smart Beavis quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

You sacrifice all the things and you won't care.

Butt-head

What?

Beavis

Yeah, what did he say??

Sit them out on the edge of the river.

Beavis

Hey, Butt-head, I think I understood something he said! I - I think he said "river"! Yeah.

Butt-head

Good ear, Beavis. So like, this song must be about, like, this river.

Beavis

Yeah yeah, y - yeah. [buffalo horns are shown] Whoa, was that a buffalo?

Butt-head

Uhhh...I think it's a wolf.

Beavis

A buffalo could kick a wolf's ass, Butt-head.

Butt-head

Dammit, Beavis...

Beavis

Uh huh?

Butt-head

...wolves eat buffalo!

Beavis

Hmm.

Butt-head

That's what they do for a living.

Beavis

Hmm. I'm not gonna argue with you, Butt-head.

Butt-head

And Morrissey could probably kick a buffalo's ass.

Beavis

Shut up, Butt-head. Buffalo rule! Yeah.

Die like hell, but you know you should care...

Beavis

Whoa, I...I just heard another word! I think he said "two"!

Butt-head

Uh huh.

Beavis

He said "two," Butt-head!

Butt-head

That's not a word. That's a number.

Beavis

Well, so what, I heard it. Maybe there's, like, two buffalo.

Butt-head

Yeah. Or maybe two wolves.

Beavis

Shut up, Butt-head. Yeah.

Butt-head

Whoa! Is this, like, David Bowie?

Beavis

No way. I mean, this guy's a puss! But it's a different puss.

Butt-head

This dude is andropynous.

Beavis

You said "penis."

Beavis

Why's she so bored?

Butt-head

Yeah, really. What's her problem? It was her idea to make the video.

Beavis

Yeah yeah, really. No one forced her to do this.

Butt-head

Well, at least Jack Harlow's not in it. [Jack Harlow appears in a tattoo parlor] What?! Again?!

Beavis

You gotta be kidding me.

Butt-head

Boy, he's only been rapping for like five seconds, and he's already exhausted.

Beavis

Yeah, he's like "Ugh, I suck. Why am I pretending to tattoo? No one's going to believe this."

Butt-head

Yeah. If Jack Harlow were tattooing me, I'd have him tattoo "Jack Harlow sucks."

Beavis

Yeah, and he'd probably be too bored to notice. "Yeah, where do you want it? Your arm, your forehead? I don't care."

Butt-head

Yeah. Then I'd be like, "No, I want it on your forehead."

Beavis

Then he'd be like, "Okay, I mean I do suck. Ugh..."

[on a hill with a Bible] Been ten long years since the devil laid his fiddle at Johnny's feet, and it burned inside his mind...

Beavis

Whoa! Look at this guy!

Butt-head

Yeah. Who's he talking to?

Beavis

Ummmmm... I don't know.

... to tempt the fiddle player, for he's just a mortal man...

Butt-head

Is this, like, one of those priests?

Beavis

Um, yeah.

"The sin of pride," the devil cried, "is what will do you in."

"I thought we had this settled. I'm the best that's ever been."

Butt-head

Who's that? [mockingly] "I-thought-we-had-this-settled-I'm-the-best-that's-ever-been..."

Beavis

He's a wuss!

... or will you let the devil be the best?

Beavis

That dude on the hill is pretty cool.

Butt-head

Yeah. I bet he could like, kick all these guys' asses.

Beavis

Yeah, yeah, yeah, he could! Why doesn't he? A fight would be nice.

"Y'all better just be turning back if you want this boy to win, 'cause practice is the only cure for the predicament he's in..."

Butt-head

Is that supposed to be Satan?

Beavis

What a wuss!

Butt-head

He looks like that fat dude in Van Halen.

Beavis

They should have gotten that dude up on the hill to be Satan. He's cool!

Butt-head

I've seen scarier Satans in a Mr. Big video. What's he doing with his hands?

Beavis

Yeah, yeah! They could have gotten Richard Marx, and it would have been scarier than this!

Beavis

This sucks. Change it.

Butt-head

No way. Check out this chick.

Butt-head

If you sat on her head, would it scratch your butt?

Beavis

Yeah. This sucks. Change it.

Beavis

If I was, like, old enough to drink and I was in a bar and I saw these guys, I'd sit down next to 'em and say, "Hey, how's it goin', man?"

Butt-head

Yeah! And then they'd kick your ass.

Beavis

Shut up, Butt-head, I could take these guys.

Butt-head

Oh yeah?

Beavis

Yeah, yeah.

Butt-head

Yeah, right.

Beavis

Shut up, Butt-head.

Butt-head

Whoa! I could be wrong, but I think I saw a naked chick.

Beavis

Really? You mean on the TV?

Butt-head

No, buttmunch! In the TV.

Beavis

You mean, like, inside, like, where the tubes are and stuff?

Butt-head

What's your problem, Beavis? Okay, look at the TV. You see those guys?

Beavis

Yeah, yeah.

Butt-head

That's where I saw the naked chick!

Beavis

Um...but that's just a bunch of guys.

Butt-head

Dammit, Beavis! Are you stupid?

Beavis

Yeah.

Beavis

[sees a female mannequin hanging from a rope] That chick is really hung.

Butt-head

That wasn't funny! Dumbass!

Butt-head

How come they didn't let that dude back in Duran Duran?

Beavis

'Cause he sucks.

Butt-head

This guy thinks he's, like, smart.

Beavis

Yeah. College music sucks.

Butt-head

I think it's only cool if you, like, go to college.