Smart Butt-head quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

Beavis

Hey Butt-head, I know I talk about turds a lot, but boy, these things really look like turds.

Butt-head

Uhh, I talk a lot about turds too, Beavis. Don't worry about it.

Beavis

Oh, okay. Poop!

Butt-head

Uranus is cool.

Beavis

Oh, thanks! My anus is pretty cool.

Butt-head

[Gets ticked off and slaps Beavis on the chin] Damn it, Beavis, shut up! I was talking about the planet!

Butt-head

Uhh, stop the car dude!

Beavis

I just thought of something. You know what would be funny is if while they were driving under that girl like that, y'know, since they have a convertible, it would have been funny if she pooped on them.

Butt-head

Uhh, okay Beavis, that's enough about poop.

Beavis

Okay. I'll just talk about wee-wee. Tinkle tinkle tinkle!

Butt-head

Whoa. Was that a bear?

Beavis

Um, heh. [Beavis imitates the singer] BLEAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! Yeah, I think so.

Butt-head

Hey, check it out, it's that dude from Andy of Mayberry.

Beavis

Oh yeah. You mean Barney? [imitates Don Knotts] Well, Andy, I'm gonna go over to Mount Pilot and worship Satan.

Butt-head

That doesn't sound like him, Beavis.

Beavis

Shut up, Butt-head!

Butt-head

Hey Beavis, I just thought of something. Goober spelled backwards is "booger".

Beavis

Oh yeah. That's cool. So, like, um, what's booger spelled backwards?

Butt-head

Uh, lets see. Uhhh...I dunno.

Butt-head

This is where it starts to get really stupid. [imitates the singer] Bow to me, faithfully...

Beavis

Bow to me...uh...

Butt-head

Bow to me faithfully.

Beavis

Bow to me faithfully...

[in unison] Bow to me faithfully.

Butt-head

Bow to me splendidly...

Beavis

Bow to me splendidly? What does that mean?

Beavis

Whoa, check it out! It's Jon Stewart.

Butt-head

Yeah. He's horny.

Beavis

Yeah. It's like, he's the horniest talk show dude on TV.

Butt-head

Yeah, but it's like, he shouldn't try to be in a band like this.

Beavis

Yeah, I mean this is okay, you know, it's nothing special though. He should just do his TV show.

Butt-head

Yeah, but you know what he should do? He should get rid of all that other stuff on his show, and just have the whole show be like, him trying to pick up a chick.

Beavis

Yeah, like he would bring out a chick with big hooters, maybe like this one right here, and he just sits there and tries to score. That would be cool.

Butt-head

Yeah. That would rule!

I like to see a little more fat.

Beavis

Yeah, I'd like to see a little more fat too! That's the best part. It's like, whenever I'm eating some meat, I'd just eat all the fat and leave the rest.

Butt-head

Yeah. I like to make a fat sandwich sometimes.

Beavis

Yeah! A little mayonnaise, a little salt...it rules!

Butt-head

Cool. Look what she's doing.

Beavis

I do that sometimes, too. It helps me fall asleep.

Butt-head

You mean 'cause it like, tires you out or something?

Beavis

No. Not really, no. It's like, I just spin around until I get really dizzy, then I like, fall down and bang my head on something, and then I just go to sleep. Works every time.

Butt-head

You're pretty cool sometimes, Beavis.

Butt-head

Watch it, Beavis! I know this sucks, but that doesn't mean you have to spit all over me.

Beavis

You're lucky I didn't barf all over you.

Butt-head

He's trying to hump a rock.

Beavis

Yeah, that would be cool if he like, pulled it down, and it crushed him. Yeah, yeah!

Butt-head

Whoa! Did you see that? He had a band-aid on one of his boobs.

Beavis

Really? Why?

Butt-head

Maybe he's like, trying to shave the hair off of his chest, and--

Beavis

OW! Don't say stuff like that, Butt-head.

Butt-head

Why not, Beavis? It's like he shaved his nipple off.

Beavis

OW! OW! Stop it!

Butt-head

This is really beginning to piss me off, Beavis.

Beavis

Yeah, really!

Butt-head

Get off the ground and stop whining, you wuss!

Beavis

Get up! Get up, stand up straight, and quit acting like a wuss! Quit whining, go out and get a job and some good clothes!

Butt-head

You tell him, Beavis!

Beavis

Yeah, yeah, yeah! And another thing, stay away from those rocks!

Beavis

Is this a diaper commercial?

Butt-head

Uh...no, this is a douche commercial.

Beavis

Oh yeah. That's funny, douche. [Cackles] What is a douche, anyway? Like, how does it work?

Butt-head

Uh...I don't know. I think chicks get it when they have that like, not so fresh feeling.

Beavis

Oh yeah. I think it helps them go horseback riding, and like, go down to the beach and stuff like that.

Butt-head

Yeah. I wonder how come they don't have a douche for guys.

Beavis

Yeah. That would rule. Sometimes you know, I feel like, not so fresh...you know.

Butt-head

Well, maybe if you'd wash your butt once in a while...and I'm not talking about washing your whole butt, I'm talking about washing your butthole.

And for that, you suck...

Beavis

Um...they just said you suck.

Butt-head

No they didn't, they said you suck. They ripped off my idea for a song.

Beavis

Yeah, and you already ripped off the idea from me, bunghole.

Butt-head

Beavis, do you remember what I told you about trying to be funny?

Beavis

...that I shouldn't?

Butt-head

That's right, now sit there and shut up, nutsack.