Smart Butt-head quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

Butt-head

Did you hear it from Kurt Scrotur?

Beavis

No, from Tabitha Sore-End. Get it? Sore end?

Butt-head

I get it, Beavis. You're a dork. [Scoffs] You know the MTV News theme song.

Butt-head

How come the Chili Peppers have new guitar player, like, every couple weeks?

Beavis

Well, I think what happens, is, um, like they join the band, and then Flea is just like kickin' ass, and like dancing and Anthony is getting all the chicks, and then like the guitar player is like, "Screw this".

Butt-head

Did you hear that on MTV News? [imitating MTV News theme music] Do-do-do-do-do!

Butt-head

Check it out, he's got a face painted on his stomach.

Beavis

If I was in them, I'd paint a butt on my stomach. And then my bellybutton would be the butthole.

Butt-head

Yeah, but you could just, like, you know, show your real butt, and it would be faster and, like, more realistic. Dumbass.

Beavis

No, no. I don't think you understand what I'm saying. I'd paint the butt on my stomach, see...

Butt-head

Beavis, you're going to have about four buttholes if you don't shut up.

Beavis

It's not my fault if you don't understand, Butt-head! Dumbass!

Beavis

Oh no. This video freaks me out. It's like, you know, I get all excited when I see the chicks, but then I see these stubby dudes, and it, like...makes my testes retract into my globules.

Butt-head

Yeah. It gives me a special feeling in my seminefrious tubules.

Beavis

I wanna do every single girl in this video.

Butt-head

Uhh, you wanna do, like, every girl in every video, Beavis.

Beavis

No. Not really.

Butt-head

Uhh, name one girl in a video that you wouldn't wanna do.

Beavis

Let me think...oh, I know. Um, there's that one video, you know, where they're like, "Been Caught Stealing", and um...there's that one girl and she's, like, you know, stuffing fruit and stuff down her shirt. I don't wanna do her.

Butt-head

Uhh...that's a dude dressed up like a girl, Beavis. That doesn't count.

Beavis

Oh. Uh, let me think..."Wilson Phillips"...uh, no, yes I'd do her...ah, oh, um...no. Boy, maybe you're right. I just wanna make love to all the women of the world.

Butt-head

Me too.

Beavis

Is that the smoke alarm?

Butt-head

Uhh...dammit Beavis, did you burn another burrito?

Beavis

Um...I don't think so.

Butt-head

We need to just take the batteries out of that damn thing.

Beavis

Yeah, but then what if there's a, ah...never mind.

Beavis

Whoa. This is freaking me out.

Butt-head

Yeah. This is weird.

Beavis

I have a sore throat, Butt-head. [coughs] Does it sound scratchy when I talk?

Butt-head

Uhh, yeah, sort of.

Beavis

Really?

Butt-head

Yeah. You're always like, [imitates Beavis] "Yeah, uhuhuhuhuhuhuh."

Beavis

I don't sound like that! [coughs] I'm just gonna be quiet for a while because my throat hurts.

Butt-head

Okay. Good.

Butt-head

You sound really stupid most of the time. You're like [imitates Beavis] "Yeah, yeah, it's pretty cool because...[incoherent gibberish]"

Beavis

Shut up, Butt-head, I don't talk like that! I'm not gonna say anything. I'm just gonna be quiet. Ow! [coughs] Ow!

Butt-head

What's that guy patting his stomach for?

Beavis

Maybe he's got like, a hurt rabbit in his shirt, he's like, going "As soon as we're done with this video, I'm gonna let you out, then I'll give you a carrot, we're gonna fix your leg..."

Butt-head

[interrupting] Dammit Beavis, now see, that's what I'm talking about, right there. You're going, [mockingly] "Yeah, maybe it's that rabbit in his stomach, [incoherent gibberish]..."

Butt-head

What the hell is this dude saying? He's like, saying "Fried egg, fried egg, fried egg,"

Beavis

Fried...[coughs]...fried egg, fried, [coughs] fried egg...

Beavis

Whoa, is that Ross Perot?

Butt-head

Yeah. I think that's Ross Perot from a long time ago.

Beavis

Oh yeah. [imitating Ross Perot] Folks, it's simple. When a problem comes along, you must whip it!

Butt-head

He looks like some sort of bungsnoidial buttsnoid.

Beavis

[singing along] Now whip it!/Into shape!/Shape it up!/Get it straight!/Go forward!/Move ahead!/Try to detect it!/It's not too late!/[starts going out of time with the song]To whip it!/Into shape!/Shape it, uh...[realizes he is singing out of time]...go forward...move ahead, try to detect it...

Butt-head

That sucked, Beavis.

Beavis

Well, at least I tried. You just sit there on your ass and make me do all the work.

Butt-head

Check out those hats.

Beavis

Those are cool. You can stack one inside the other and you can have like all different colors, you know? It's like you can wear one one day and another the other day and like put 'em on your head y'know? And they can like protect you from like harmful rays.

Butt-head

Beavis, you're a damn weirdo.

Beavis

Shut up, Butt-head. I'm not from here, you know.

Beavis

Whoa, check out that tornado!

Butt-head

That's not a tornado, that's that Tasmanian Devil dude.

Beavis

Oh yeah, he kicks ass. Did you ever see that time he beat Bugs Bunny upside the head with a shovel?

Butt-head

Yeah. I like the one where they grab Elmer Fudd by the head, and form through a knothole in a fence, and then beat him in the head over and over again with a shovel.

Beavis

Oh yeah. That's kinda harsh, Butt-head.

Butt-head

Yeah. Cartoons are cool.

Beavis

Alright, golf. Yeah, I'm up for this.

Butt-head

Check this out. [quiet voice] He's teeing off...he's using his woody.

Beavis

[quiet voice] He's trying to get a bunghole in one.

Butt-head

We can see some dork riding a tricycle down the street. He's in the rough.

Beavis

Whoa, look a fight! Yeah, yeah, hit him!

Butt-head

If they had fights in golf, maybe it would be cool.

Beavis

Yeah, then maybe I could watch it.

Butt-head

You watch golf all the time, Beavis.

Beavis

Oh yeah. Golf is cool.

Butt-head

Check this out. [quiet voice] It looks like he's gonna use his nine-iron to smash the big fat dead guy's face in.

Beavis

[quiet voice] That's right, Butt-head. I think what he's planning on doing, is smashing his glasses in, and shoving the nine-iron up his bunghole.

Butt-head

It looks straight...oh, he's in the water! That'll cost him a stroke.

Beavis

That's right, Butt-head. Oh, I don't believe it! He's gonna actually try to, it looks like it's gonna go...

Butt-head

[raises voice to normal volume] You can't do it, Beavis. Shut up.

Beavis

Shut up, Butt-head. You weren't that good.

Butt-head

You're not good at anything.

Beavis

Check this out. [quiet voice] That's right, Butt-head, that's gonna cost him two strokes. He's probably gonna...dammit! Dammit!

Butt-head

See, Beavis, you can't do it. [quiet voice] Beavis is a complete wuss. He's not good at anything. His mom is a slut.