Batman: The Animated Series · Season 1, Episode 34
“The Laughing Fish” · Season 1, Episode 34
In this episode: Batman (5), Joker (4), Francis (3), Harley Quinn (2), Alfred Pennyworth (1), Harvey Bullock (1), Gordon (1)
[seeing Batman with a Joker Fish] Dining in tonight, sir?
[sighs] The dissection tray, please, Alfred...
Any idea what our happy friend is up to now?
Normal criminals usually have logical motives, but the Joker's insane schemes make sense to him alone.
Ah-ah-ah-ahem. Look alive, wage slaves. Presenting that caliph of clowns, that mogul of mountebanks, the one and only Joker.
[The Joker enters, laughing ]
Great Scott!
Actually, I'm Irish. Good morning, Mister, err, [looks at his desk's name plate] Francis. Please allow me to introduce my associates. Miss Quinn.
Enchante.
And Messrs, uh... oh, their names escape me for the moment. No matter! We gentlemen of business have arrangements to discuss.
A... Arrangements?
[drops a Joker Fish onto his desk] For my fish, of course. This has all been worked out far in advance, Francis. You are merely the last tiny cog in my grand design. So don't speak to me again, 'kay? Now, what is everyone in town talking about?
Err... your fish?
[smacks him with the fish] I TOLD YOU NOT TO SPEAK!
[sniffs Francis] Ooh, fish stink-a-roony. [sprays him with a substance from a perfume bottle, making him cough] All better.
As I was saying, since every fish in Gotham now bares my famous and frankly fabulous face, I should be getting a profit from every fish product sold. [one of his thugs pours out a pile of products] Let's say a nickel per fish sandwich, fifty cents for sardines - millions of dollars a day to finance my happily hedonistic lifestyle. So which of your tedious copyright forms do I fill out first? You may speak now.
No one can copyright fish. They're a natural resource.
But they share my unique face. Colonel What's-His-Name has chickens, and they don't even have moustaches.
I can't help it, it's the law.
Oh! Trying to cheat the Joker, are ya? Well, we'll see who has the last laugh. You have until midnight to change your mind, Francis, or you'll be the poorest fish of all! [leaves laughing, with his thugs following]
[blows Francis a kiss as she follows] Buh-bye.
He's crazy.
Err, Batman? Why is this happening to me? I've never done anything to this Joker. I'm just a paper-pusher, I can't change the laws. I'm harmless!
And in his sick mind, that's the joke, Mr. Francis.
Feeling all right?
[scratching himself] Oh, sure. It's just that everything's been so crazy today. I haven't even had time to rinse off that gunk the Joker's girl squirted on me.
[to Gordon] GET THIS MAN TO A HOSPITAL! NOW!
What?
You're right, Harley. Fish are disgusting. I think I'll start using my toxin on cattle. Joker Burgers! Ha! Talk about a Happy Meal!
[after hitting Batman with a big wrench] Meanwhile, back at the "wrench"...! Since my sidesplitters don't tickle you, how 'bout a skull-splitter?!
[corners the Joker on the edge of the roof] There's no place left to go, Joker.
[The Joker glares at Batman for a moment, then shrugs, and jumps off the roof towards the harbor below, laughing on the way down]
[blows up a rubber ducky life reserver] See, Batsy? I think of everything!
[The Joker laughs, then he notices the shark circling in the water below. Screaming, the Joker plunges into the ocean, and the shark dives in after him]
[After the Joker is seemingly eaten by the shark]
[sniffs] Oh, my poor, poor puddin'.
Come on, he was a demented, abusive, psychotic maniac.
Yeah... I'm really gonna miss him.
Do you think he's gone for good?
Believe me, Jim, I wish it were true. But deep inside, I doubt it.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Batman: The Animated Series pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
