No need for that. [Trying to soothe the dog] Good boy, good boy.
Oh, that's an attack dog, that is. It's trained to go for the working class.
Bomber; He's just not used to strangers, are you, boy?
Eh, well that's the sort of welcome we can expect roond here. [The dog continues barking]
Bit of Alsatian in him, I think. [The dog owner comes out]
DODog Owner
[Approaching his front gate] Why are you annoying my dog?
DODog Owner
He doesn't bark for nothing!
We were just having a stroll.
DODog Owner
[Looking at the three] Who are you people?
Who exactly do we have to be?
DODog Owner
I mean... What are you doing around here?
Everybody's got to be somewhere, sir.
CCarol
I, er, brought you some tea.
Oh, cheers. Just finished, as it happens.
CCarol
Is that your job? Windows?
Only when the lads have got a ball. Basically, I'm a chippie. [Takes the mug] Ta. Here, look, I'm sorry about rubbishing your old man, you know. Me and Arthur get on like a house on fire.
CCarol
Oh, well, it's more than I do.
Oh, yeah? [They sit on a bench in the pub car park] Bit iffy, is it?
CCarol
Since my mum left, he's got worse, really. All his children are a terrible disappointment to him.
CCarol
None of us joined the Air Force. My sister lives with a lecturer, and my brother's gay and runs a health food restaurant.
Oh, yeah? And what do you do?
CCarol
I'm studying sociology at Nottingham. My last year.
CCarol
As far away as possible.
[Pulls a cigarette from behind his ear] Here, d'you want one of these?
CCarol
Oh thanks, yeah. [Wayne gives her a cigarette from his packet and lights both cigarettes. Carol takes a drag then exhales.] I used to love it round here when I was a kid. I can't stand it now. The people have changed. They're all the rich overspill from Sheffield, or retired Tories with nothing better to do than complain about Arthur Scargill.
Yeah. I reckon our presence here's raised a few eyebrows. [Carol chuckles.]
[Calls round the side of the pub] Carol!
CCarol
[Sighs] See you later. [Gets up and leaves Wayne.]
[As Carol brings him a mug of tea] Thank you, my dear. Service with a smile. Makes a change 'round here.
CCarol
Father's hopeless. And he wonders why the place is always empty!
[Entering the bar] Morning, Bomb.
CCarol
Someone looks like they had a good night last night.
[Stretching his arms] Yeah. We emptied six pubs.
We've had more exciting evenings.
That game of skittles we had in The Green Dragon was a blinder, though, wasn't it? Right cliffhanger.
CCarol
D'you want a cup of tea?
Yeah, that'd be magic, love. [Carol goes into the back] 'Ere, this place is on the old up-and-up, eh? We'll be havin' Bunny Girls next.
CCarol
[Returning with a mug for Wayne, she pours tea into it] It's only for the day. Dad's gone into Sheffield, so I said I'd look after the place.
I'll give you a hand if you want, love. I can pull pints. [Carol smiles as she goes into the back]
[Looks disappovingly at Wayne] That's not what you want to pull.
JSir James
So many of these houses have these old stables and barns. They just stand around doing nothing except decay. [Points to the barn] So I thought I'd utilise this. Make a games room for the kids and an office for myself. The sort of thing one's always planning to do but never has the money or the time to get around to it.
Oh, aye. I know what you mean. I've been promising to retile our bathroom for the last two years! [They chuckle]
JSir James
[as they walk to an old barn on the property] What do you think, Neville? Would it cost an absolute fortune?
I wouldn't have thought so. You'll have to run cable in, like. [Sir James nods] The roof's not bad. Let's have a look. Might need a bit of insulation...
[Talking to a couple of trout Oz caught] Hello. Hello! Hee-hee! [Notices a man running towards them in the distance] Oh, look. There's somebody coming.
Over there, look. He's heading this way. [The man waves angrily at them. Barry waves back oblivious. Oz dashes out of the river.] He's waving at us. Hello!
Get yer jacket on, man! [Sticks the trout into his coat pockets]
What's the rush all of a sudden? I wanna have a go meself.
He might be a bloody gamekeeper.
[Spluttering] G...Gamekeeper? Are you tryin' to tell me this is illegal or something?
[Grabbing his boots] Well, of course! Poaching's not legal, is it?
Poaching?! Wait... [Grabs his jacket and runs after Oz] You never told me about bloody poaching!
Well you don't think this place is open to the public, do yer? People pay a fortune for a rod of river, man.
[Panicking] Well, how serious is it, then?
[As he gets into Barry's van] Well, let's put it this way - if they catch wor, I don't think we'll make the Crown Court.
[Getting into the driver's seat] You might have bloody said so! [They drive away before the gamekeeper can catch them.]
What are you talking about? It's only ten to.
[Approaching Wayne] You never give it a rest, do you, Wayne?
And what am I supposed to do?
Well... You could get something to eat.
I've eaten. I went down the caff at half eleven.
If I gave you a couple of quid, you could go to the picture.
There's not a cinema within miles.
The ultimate gesture, Bomb. The keys to me car. Now, apparently, there's this lovely waterfall down the road, very picturesque it is. [Bomber reluctantly takes Wayne's car keys and leaves the pub. Wayne turns the clock to half past two and calls out to the only other person in the bar, an elderly gentleman] Er, excuse me, sir? [He points to the clock, and the gentleman quickly finishes his pint.]
[Points to a page] This one sounds all right, The Pheasant at Ilworth. [Reads from the book] "This old coaching inn has been lovingly restored by Trevor Beaumont, while his partner Nigel Fox runs the kitchen. Local produce, market-fresh vegetables. Among their specialties, we particularly recommend rack of lamb and fresh local trout."
NNorma
Oh, that sounds good, Den.
Aye. Give that a go later on, eh?
Right, er... I'd better book. [Closes the guide and gets up to go to the phone when Bomber walks in] Hello, Bomber.
Well, I've been driving 'round the countryside, and I picked up a hitchhiker. [Stands aside to reveal Moxey behind him.]
Er, I don't think you've met me sister. Norma, this is Moxey and Bomber.
Erm... [Takes Moxey and Bomber aside] ...is everything all right, is it?
Er, yeah, yeah. Er, I had to go down to London, y'know, to sort a few things out, like. But I got me cards, so there should be no more problems in that department.
Oh, champion, 'cos the architect tells me we'll be back at work on Monday with a bit of luck, like. So you've timed that rather well, Moxey.
No. It's, er, Brendan Mulachy.
NNorma
Dennis, shall I order some more tea for everybody?
Er... I tink it's about time for a drink, isn'it, lads?
I wouldn't say no to that.
Aye, why not? Come on, let's have a drink. Things seem to be shapin' up for once.
WWaitress
[Emerging from the door] Mr. Patterson, could you come to the phone, please?
WWaitress
It's the police. A couple of your lads have been arrested.
JJessup
Good afternoon, Sir James. I'm sorry about this.
JSir James
[Looking into the holding room, as does Neville] Are those the chaps?
JJessup
Yes, sir. I caught them red-handed.
JSir James
Oh, dear. [Turns to the desk sergeant] So, what do I do?
Excuse me, Sir James? Could I have a word with you, please?
JSir James
Of course, Neville.
No, no, I mean in private, like.
Those two poachers... they're my workmates.
I'm sure they wouldn't have known what they were doin'. I mean, they wouldn't have known it was your property.
JSir James
I suppose not.
See, we're townies, aren't we?
JSir James
I suppose so. The thing is, they [The locals] take a dim view of that kind of thing, and being the landownder, I'm supposed to set an example.
Well... they could make amends.
Well, instead of paying the fine, maybe they could help me fix your barn.
JSir James
Well, it does seem a lot of fuss about nothing, and Celestia and I could have that trout for supper.
It's all right, Dennis. Sir James and I have fixed everything.
I'm just sayin', Barry, we're not outcast anymore, are wa? Not now that Nev's like hat with the local nob. [Crosses his fingers] We're bonafide pillars of the community. [Opens the door of the Barley Mow and starts to head in, followed by Moxey.]
Aye, they won't push us around now. [They notice Wayne sat on the far side of the car park with all their baggage and tools]
[As he and Oz head out of the door] It's Wayne, with all the gear out there.
Where have you lot been? I'm bloody freezing!
Never mind that! What's happening here?
Well, Arthur's chucked us out, hasn't he?
Wha? He cannae dae that, man!
Well he can, it's his pub and he's done it, hasn't he?
Gotta have a reason, though.
Well he's always been a bit iffy about us being here, ain't he?
We're paying customers now though.
But we do make a lot of noise and some of us occasionally go over the top.
Well, maybes... maybes once.
But you did kick in his jukebox, didn't you and he weren't too happy about that, was he?
Aww, I might have known it'd be down tae me again as usual!
[Gets up] Come on, let's load up, eh?
Hold on a tick, I'm not taking this lying down!
It's got nowt to do with me, I never stayed there once!
[To Wayne] Oi, oi, come here a minute! Look, if he's turfing the whole six of you lot out, you must have put up some sort of black! What have you been up to, eh?
Well... I suppose him finding me in bed with his daughter had something to do with it.
[Furious, the lads chase Wayne into the back car park]
[To Moxey] Nae room at the inn... again. Same auld story - sudden party of travelling salesmen booked in this afternoon, yer kna what I mean?
That's difficult to say really, Neville. It's strictly no overalls, no muddy boots, no alcohol and lights out by 10:30!
It is - they've only got double beds, and one of us'll have to sleep with Oz!
Five knockbacks. Everywhere we've tried had a sudden spate of bookings!
Yeah, it's obvious the ol' Pringle's been on the blower. Looks like we've been blacklisted by the entire Licensed Victualler's Association of North Derbyshire!
Ah, we've not done much better.
The places we've tried aren't exactly geared to the needs of the working man.
Well... spa country this, ain't it, Nev, eh? Gentility rules.
Well, as Contingency Plans A and B seem to have failed, I suggest we try Contingency Plan D.
Find somewhere in Chesterfield.
Chesterfield?! That's ganna mean a fifty mile round trip! Look, man, we're ganna be wrecked before we even get to work, which means we're ganna be more wrecked before we get on the drink!
Which leaves Contingency Plan E.
Move into the house itself.
Aww, I divvn't know about that!
It gets my vote, fellas! Listen, listen, it's cheap, right, it's big, and we'll have it all to ourselves, right.
Yeah, right! It gets my vote an' all! I stayed in the pantry one night and survived!
Ah, it's pretty crusty though, isn'it, eh? It's in a hell of a state. Partly due to the fact that we've been knocking seven colours out of it, like. I mean, even the rats have pissed off!
Look, um... I said we'd give Dennis a ring before eight. See what he says, eh?
Aye, leave it to the leader.
[On the phone to Barry] Yeah. Okay. Alright, thanks, thanks a lot. [Puts the phone down and speaks to Bomber and Wayne.] They've drawn a blank, so it looks like a move into the manor for the moment. Sorry, Bomber.
It's not your fault, Dennis. You're only the gaffer on site. You can't be responsible for any irresponsible act of any daft bugger outside of work.
Right, come on. [Dennis and Bomber leave, leaving Wayne to carry his and Bomber's bags out.]
I found this, Wayne. Should take the chill off the room.
You'd need a bloody blowlamp to take the chill out of the atmosphere, though, wouldn't you?
[Setting the rug down] 'Tis true you wouldn't win any popularity contest at the moment.
[Moving a chair and some throws] Look, if I'd known old Arthur was going to reach that badly, I'd have thought twice about strumpin' his daughter, wouldn't I?
Yes, and having had those thought, you'd still have gone and done it. [Starts laying the rug as Wayne sweeps the debris from its path] Knob law, that's what you're ruled by, Wayne. As soon as there's a fire in your loins, there's a freeze-up in your brain.
Yeah, but normally it's only me that suffers, ain't it? Grazed knee from shinning a few drainpipes, the odd pulled muscle from doin' it to the old Bolero at 45 instead of 33. [Bomber looks up, still mad at Wayne] Yeah... Look, I might have dropped me mates in it 'cos I couldn't say no to an afternoon of passion, but she wasn't 'alf worth it.
Well that's some consolation to us, Wayne(!) [Gets up] Right... while you finish your jankers, I'll have a scout around, see if I can't find some mattreses and cushions. [Leaves the room...then pokes his head around the door] You'd better decide which one of the twenty-two bedrooms you're gonna lock yourself in!
Mind that snake there, Moxey.
Where? Where?! [Drops the sandwiches onto the ground.]
Ho-ho! So much for special undercover agent Mulcackey, eh? Falls at the first fence, doesn't he?
[Picking up the sandwiches] It was hardly a fair test, Oz! Anyone would react to a snake warning, no matter what his name was.
Ah, it's only what the police'll do, though, Brendan. You can't expect them to write you a letter tellin' you when they're comin' to see you.
I know, I know. I'll just have to concentrate a lot harder. Anyone want a butty? These are ham. [Bomber grabs one.]
I'll have cheese and chutney. [Neville grabs one of the sandwiches on the chair. Wayne come up to get a sandwich from Moxey, who turns away from Wayne.]
[Grabbing the last sandwich from the tub] Not you! [Wayne turns to the chair.]
[Grabbing a sandwich from the chair] Thank you!
[Taking the last sandwich from the chair] Oh, I see. Gonna be like that, is it, eh?
Sorry, Wayne. You can't expect any consideration from us when you show none in return!
Who is this Brendan... Mulcahy anyway?
No, it's not. It's Mulcahy. It's the name on the papers.
Yeah, I know. I can't pronounce that, though.
What's the point of havin' it as a false name, then?
I didn't have any choice in the matter, y'know. I didn't go to Rent-a-Name. It was an alehouse in Kilburn. I could hardly call meself F-F-Fitzherbert C-Carruthers!
Well, it's just as well. You can't pronounce that either, can you? Who is Brendan Mulcahy anyway? I mean, does he exist, or is he just a creation?
He's probably a dead man.
See, what happens is, one Mick snuffs it over there in potato land, an' his family flog his passport an' that to another Mick so he can come over here an' work, y'know.
That's not all he might get up to either.
What? D'you mean the IRA, Bomber?
IRA bomber's right. You might find the anti-terrorist squad on yer tail, Brendan, as well as yer ordinary plods!
You're really reassuring you are, Oz(!)
[Upon seeing Dennis] Thirty seconds to get out or I'll call the police!
Arthur! Arthur, hear me out please, will yer? Look, Arthur, I know the behaviour of one of our group has caused you much heartache, and believe you and me, we feel exactly the same about him as you do. I mean, that's why we've disciplined him ourselves in a way you would have approved of.
Of the social kind, Arthur, yes. He's, er, he's confined to base, he's in the glass house as you brave fighter pilots might say.
That still leaves the rest of you to make mayhem.
Oh, come on, Arthur, I'm a respectable married man. I mean outside in my van I've got three other men who've done a hard day's graft and simply want a quiet pint and an evening's conversation at your fireside as a reward. I mean they're not rapists, or thieves, vagabonds...
[Shouting from outside] HAS THAT BASTARD GIVEN IN YET, DENNIS? [Dennis realises that they won't get anywhere with Pringle now, so he leaves]
Did y'ever see The Thomas Crown Affair?
...Nah, I never went to rock concerts, Vicky, I was busy working.
Man, it was a film! An' in it, Steve McQueen an' Faye Dunaway seduced each other across the chessboard. [Ally doesn't react] Well, it was a very sexy scene.
Really? I imagine you might find that a wee bit uncomfortable, all these bits stickin' into yer bum! [The phone rings. Fraser goes to answer it.]
Will yer make a move now? Otherwise I'm gonna be here all day! [Fraser moves a Pawn one space forward and heads to the phone] Oh, live dangerously, why don't yer(?)
[Answering the phone. It's Howard Radcliff, the architect working on Thornely Manor] Yes? Oh, good morning, Howard, yes. How are ya?
[From his new office in a town near to the manor] I'm extremely well, Ally, thank you. I just thought I'd let you know that our planning application's in, and that my personal contact on the council says there'll be no trouble.
Good, I'm very pleased to hear that.
My new drawings are also coming along nicely.
I just thought now would be an opportune time to discuss the costing of the materials. I've drawn up three different budges for fitting the surfaces and other interior details.
And, er... how are they running at?
At £22,000, £48,000, and top of the range, £65,000.
[As Vicky's Bishop takes one of his Pawns] ...Aye, well, I think, Howard, in view of the revised nature of the premises, er... I think it would be a wee bit of a pity to waste all your fancy-dan trappings on people with one foot in the grave. I think we should err on the side of caution, don't you, Howard?
As you wish, Ally, but the first figure I quoted is an absolute rock-bottom, using the cheapest materials available.
That's all right, I've already laid out enough cash on this project. It's time I started earning a nest egg for my old age. So, I want no corner left uncut, Howard. Do you understand? And you can pass that on to Dennis too.
Will do. Incidentally, it may interest you to know that he and his lads are currently staying at the house.
Ah... Aye, well, don't mention it just yet then, Howard, but sometime in the future it might be wise to broach the little subject of rent with them.
[Chuckles] I'll get the meters read as well, if you like.
I was not joking, Howard!
Right. Well, I'll get the plans out to you by the weekend, Ally.
Lovely. I'll look forward to seeing them then. Okay. Bye for now, then. Bye, Howard. [Puts the phone down and focuses back on the chessboard] My God. If Faye Dunaway played chess like you, she'd be lucky if she got a good night kiss. [Gets up, blows a kiss on his palm, which he rubs on Vicky's cheek]
