Moxey quotes from Auf Wiedersehen, Pet

Neville

Realistically, how much is it going to cost us all?

Barry

Ten grand each. Plus change.

I haven’t even got the plus change.

Oz

Right, who's for a bit more Romanian Red?

Bomber

No thanks Oz, dodgy stomach.

It's probably this wine. I'll be glad when I've had enough.

Dennis

It’s got a vending machine full of Mars Bars, Sky One, UK Gold – for somebody like you, that’s luxury!

You’ve got a point there, Den.

My grandson saw it. He’s always on a computer.

Unbelievable! I mean, where do you plug in a computer in a wigwam?

Dennis

Moxey.

Yeah?

Dennis

Shut up!

Tatiana

Barry, let’s talk about this alone, just you and me.

No way kidda! Steal yourself, remember Godfather II…you know, when Diane Keaton begs Al Pacino not to lock her out of his life. And what did he do? Closed the bloody kitchen door on her!

Dennis

You know that dismantling sequence you showed us? What do you call it, you know, when it’s the other way round? You know, when you put the bridge back up again?

An erection sequence…[Moxey sniggers]…no jokes please, I’ve heard them all.

Dennis

Well could you do us one? We’ll pay you like.

What are yous up to?

Dennis

Nowt, nowt, nowt important.

Nothing.

How would you be paying?

Cash.

Where did you get this?

I sold my cello.

Yous all think I’m a murderer?

Dennis

Oz doesn’t mean that. He’s just playing Devil’s Advocate.

I’ve never hurt anyone in my life. I’ve just set fire to buildings. And I’ve always made sure they were empty…except that once. And I didn’t know the bloke had chickens!

Some exercise wouldn’t do you any harm.

Barry

You wouldn’t get me on a bike, that’s the last form of exercise I’d take. Cycling damages your sexual organs.

Oz

Bollocks!

Barry

Precisely, no I read this research report. Right, they use ultrasound scans to examine the testicles of 45 mountain bikers and they compared them with 39 sets of testicles of non-riders, and all but two of the cyclists had scrrrrotal abnormalities.

He knows a lot of stuff, Barry.

Oz

Aye, all of it useless. [Moxey and Oz simultaneously feel their testicles]

What about the Liverpool Police?

They love you!

You what?!

You gave all that stuff that nailed Mickey Startup.

Oh that’s great. Oh, that is a relief. And they can’t prove I took any cash....which I didn’t! Well, I might have...but it all went to a good cause!

Well who do you miss?

Oz

Well me son for one. I missed a lot of him growing up. Fortunately that included the moment he started putting his key in the back door, so to speak.

Right! Let’s play Road Kill Cricket!

Bomber

How’s that work?

Anything dead your side of the road you score runs, anything their side they do!

Neville

How do you mean runs?

One for each leg: a dead chicken’s worth two, that goat would have been four if we’d started.

Wyman

So a centipede’s a ton, right?

No insects! You’re being silly now Wyman.

Wyman

Oh, forgive me.

Oz

What about a snake?

That’s a tricky one Oz, it doesn’t have any legs but it is an animal so it should qualify…

Oz

Well the stiff’s on this side of the road so that’s two runs to us, yes?

True!

Wyman

It weighs a ton!

Bomber

We’ll have to help them offload it at the other end.

Oz

What now we’re bloody pallbearers!

Some days we saw planks. Some days we lay bricks. Some days we cart Cuban coffins. All part and parcel, Den says.

Dennis

Moxey!

What?

Dennis

Bollocks!

Wyman

Bloody hell! Neville the spy!

Neville

I’ve hated every minute of it, lying to all of you, lying to my wife. I’m not even very good at it. I had to doctor a bloke’s drink one night. You know, knock out drops.

Go ay!

Oz

Hells teeth, That’s bloody hardcore!

Neville

I drank it myself!

Dennis

Sorry.

Neville

I’m glad this has happened really, it’s been a terrible strain. I’m really glad you did this, really. Thanks.

Bomber

Let it all come out Neville, don’t hold anything back.

Barry

I think this is where we should all hug.

Oz

Dear me, you look like you’re bloody sopranos.

Big relief though, ey?

Neville

Yeah.

I bet you feel like you’ve just passed a bowling ball.