BomberSorry I missed Den. Scarcely said a word to him last night.
Well, none of us did, he was that pissed.
Bomber
He never used to knock it back like that. Not Scotch, anyhow.
Never used to drive a Jag, did he?
Bomber
[Admiring Wayne's car's interior] Well, you can't complain. Fancy motor, this.
Yeah well, I earnt it, didn't I, Bomb? Little present to meself after six bleedin' months in the Arctic Circle.
Bomber
Good money, then?
Yeah... but it weren't just that. There was nowhere to bleedin' spend it, was there? I mean, d'you know, our only diversions was tapes and videos.
Bomber
[Spotting a blonde lady waiting to cross the road] What did you do about sex?
Not a lot. D'you know how hard it is to catch a penguin?
He's got a bleedin' nerve, that Barry, eh? Asks us all up here to help 'im out then does a runner.
Went to see Hazel, didn't he?
Against my explicit instructions, yes! All those hours I wasted in Germany tutoring 'im in the ways of the opposite sex.
I'm not so sure they're your strong suit anymore, otherwise you would've had to pay for those two birds last night.
Cheap at half the price, son.
You weren't there, were you, Mox?
Bomber
No. But I was. And I heard them turnin' you away! [He and Neville chuckle]
I dunno what you were thinkin' of in the first place, I thought you were supposed to be a married man now.
[Gets up, defensively all of a sudden] Christa and I have an understanding, Neville. We've got a modern marriage.
What, you mean it won't last? [Wayne points at Neville, then goes to sit on the windowsill]
Bomber
Where is that lad, er... whats-his-name?
Bomber
Oh, does he? [Shouts] Trevor? [Looks to the window directly above Wayne where Trevor is painting] Trevor!
Trevor [Opens the window] The name's Trev.
Bomber
Whatever it is, sunshine, put the kettle on, eh?
I'm not a bloody tea boy, you know!
Bomber
Well, we're skilled craftsmen doin' a mate a favour, so put that bloody kettle on! [Trevor slams the window down, showing debris on Wayne below.]
Obviously a graduate of the John McEnroe school of charm and decorum.
Bomber
Mind you, some of my skills are a bit rusty.
You not been doin' much of this then, Bomb?
Bomber
Oh not a lot, no. It's a treat for me, this, laying bricks in the fresh air, after some of the jobs I've been doing!
[Coughs] 'Scuse me? [The lads stop work] Er, d'you have any idea where Barry Taylor is, please?
We think he's with Hazel. That's his fiancée.
[Looking at the gap between the dining area and the kitchen] ...but why did you knock it down?
We thought that was the general idea, like.
It was supposed to be a connecting hatch.
Bomber
We can soon put it back.
We just wanted to make a start, seeing there's that much to do before you and Barry can get married.
Bomber
[Turning to Trevor] 'Ere, you!
Bomber
Why didn't you tell us she didn't want that wall down?
'Cos the skilled craftsmen never asked me(!) [Walks out]
Oh... it's not your fault. Barry should have been here.
Ah, well, he's not here 'cos he's gone looking for you after what happened last night. And the reason for that, Hazel, is entirely down to me. See, I took him down the pub. Well, we hadn't seen each other for yonks, and, er... we sort of got involved with nostalgic reminiscences.
He was ever so upset when he realised how late he was.
Didn't sleep a wink all night.
He left the pub to go and see you, but apparently you wouldn't let him in.
That was childish of me. I was just so furious with 'im! I should've had it out then and there.
Yeah, you should've done, then he wouldn't have got breathalysed.
Hello, Dennis. Didn't expect you back so soon, mate.
Didn't expect you back at all.
Aye, well, I had a bit of business to take care of, but I came back because I've had this proposition. Might interest some of you lads. Now, er... there's good news, and there's bad news attached to this. Which one do you want first?
Oh, eh let's have the bad news.
Right, okay. [Whistles. Oz enters.]
Right, lads. He wants a quick conversion, so he can sell it over the odds and make a tasty profit, see?
Ah, the unacceptable face of c-capitalism.
Aye, that's right. But we're gettin' paid top whack, so...
Well, I've already seen the drawings. I reckon there's at least... two months' work.
Oh yeah. Two months, ten weeks...
I'm in charge, Barry, so there'll be no gaffers, eh?
This bloke... wouldn't happen to be Ally Fraser, would it?
Oh look, man! His money's just as good as anybody else's, Neville, isn'it? Or are ya snowed under wi' work offers at the moment, like?
Bomber
Well, I'm game. Life-savers for Bomber. Bloody sight better than being bounced about the ring and having old ladies stubbing fag ends about your arse!
I fancy it. I'm f-fairly free.
Bomber
Can't see it appealing to him. Not with a BMW and that scrumptious little wife at home.
Yeah, I know about all that, but I mean if it's only for a couple of months, could be a giggle, couldn't it? [Throws a can of lager to Oz.]
Well... if it's only a couple of months, I suppose so.
Right, so you're all in then!
Ah well, I'd be with you straight away, you know, for old times' sake, like, but er... the impending nuptials...
We'll miss your sparkling repartee(!) Eh? Barry Taylor, the prince of trivia. [The others, except Barry, laugh]
Bomber
When do we start, Den?
Monday?! But that only gives you... four days to finish me house!
Bomber
Better get crackin' then!
All right, lads, move yerselves!
Oh, don't say that! Not after that bloody curry we had last night!
Listen, Wayne, we're bound to lose each other, there's a great big motorway caff just before we come off the motorway, right? Be there for brekkie.
[As he leaves the motel with his bags] Hold on, I've not had me cup o' tea.
We've already had tea! We were supposed to be on the road an hour ago!
Look, Dennis, if you're ganna be the gaffer on this new job, you'd better get summat straight straight away.
We're still entitled proper meal breaks, right?
And travelling time to the job an' back. An' another thing: don't go usin' Barry's gaff as a yardstick for our workrate neither, right?
Nah, we'll spin this one out a bit longer.
[Noticing Barry's van about to pull into the car park.] Oh, here comes Barry to see us off. [Barry pulls up in front of the lads and gets out of his van.]
What's wrong with you, mate? You look worse than what Moxey feels.
Bomber
I hope you 'aven't come to tell us your cheques is gonna bounce.
Nah, nah, nah. I've just come to get the address of the place where you're going to, like.
It's no bother, I'll write it down for yer.
Awww, isn't that nice? He's gonna write us a postcard from his honeymoon.
Won't be a honeymoon. Won't be a wedding. Nah, Hazel needs to think things through, like. So, be with you in a couple of days!
Ah, yes. This reminds me very much of my gaff in Tilbury(!) Not so much gardens. Mind you, on the other hand, I don't suppose they have the pong from the lino factory, eh?
[As he and Oz start to walk round to the back] I lived in a place like this once.
I did. The borstal near Prestatyn.
What's Ally planning to do with this, Den?
Timesharing units, they call 'em.
All self-contained, like?
Aye, we'll put lots of bathrooms in, yer kna. Kitchenettes.
Well, there's a stack of overtime, aye, because he wants the job done fast. So I wouldn't reckon on seeing your Brenda too often, mate.
Ohh, 'ey, don't tell me you're heading for the broken homes club as well, are ya?
Oh, of course not. I'll just be glad to get me head down and get some solid graft in.
[Trying to open the back door] See if this opens.
[Nudges Moxey and pulls out the knife from the motorway services from his boot] Watch and learn, son. [He uses the knife to try and open one of the windows.]
Bomber
What's the drill then, Dennis? Are we supposed to wait around 'til he [Fraser] shows up? Bomber could murder a pint.
We passed a nice little pub in the village.
Aye, well you lads go down there. I'll have to stop here, man.
Watering the geraniums, I suppose. [Shouts round the corner] Here, Oz! Mox! Come on, we're going down the boozer.
Hey, Bomber. Don't let the lads make a day trip of this, mind, will yer?
Bomber
Leave it to me, Dennis. I'll keep 'em in order. Pint and a pie. [As they walk off, they hear sounds coming from the house.]
Hey, Den, listen. [He hears footsteps.] I thought you said this place was empty.
It is, man. Oh, aye. Apart from the monster. Didn't want to let yer kna about that in case it frightened you off, like, yer kna.
[Posh accent] What are youse peasants doing on my property? There's a notice there what clearly states that members of the working class will be exterminated. Now piss off! [They all laugh.]
[At the jukebox] Oi! [Pringle goes from serving a customer in the lounge to the public bar.] How often d'you get these records changed, lad?
Nothing to do with me, that's up to the brewery.
Well, the bloke from the brewery must love Duran Duran. You haven't got one decent record on here, man!
[Getting up] Same again, is it?
Bomber
No, no, I promised Den I'd get you all back.
Back to work... [Drinks his pint]
Just going for a piss. [Heads for the toilet.]
'Ey, better get Den summat to eat, eh?
Got any of them pies left, squire?
Have you got anything hot?
[Checks his watch] It's after two.
Bomber
Look, we've got this mate and he's not eaten, so what can you offer?
Crisps, or... that sandwich. [Points to the sole sandwich left in a food cover.]
Bomber
...we'll take that, then. [Pringle takes the sandwich out.]
[Looking around] I don't think we'll be coming back here in a hurry, d'you?
[Drinking the last of his pint] The beer's not bad. Canny drop.
No, I'm not talkin' about the beer, man. I'm talking about mine host, Happy Harry the wing co.
[Offended] Are you referring to me?
Well, you're obviously ex-RAF, aren't you, eh? Judging by all the crap you've for hanging up on the walls, anyway. When did you get pensioned off, then?
I resigned six years ago.
Ah, six years ago. That'll have been a nice easy stretch, was it?
Between Suez and the Falklands there wasn't a lot of action. About as much as we'll find 'round here.
I trust you'll go and find it somewhere else!
Where the hell have you been?
I dossed down here last night.
Bomber
You look bloody frozen! [Picks up Neville's jacket] Here, lad. [Throws the jacket over Moxey's shoulders]
So what's the word, then, eh? I mean, I think you owe us an explanation, mate. [After running away after the sight of a police car the previous day]
Yeah... I've been in prison, see.
We kna that, man, but that was yonks ago, wasn'it? It doesn't mean you have to shit yerself every time you see a police.
No, I mean I've been in recently. Like last week. An' I'm not due out 'til next March.
What, you mean, you've went over the wall?
Well, it wasn't a closed nick. I was in an open prison in Cheshire. Wasn't as if I had to dig a tunnel or rent an helicopter. I just walked out the front door. Bought a Toblerone at the post office and got a bus to Macclesfield.
I've got a mate there. He gave us a float and I made me way to Barry's.
Yeah, it's a bloody lunatic thing to do, Mox.
Bomber
If it was an open prison, you must have been dealt with fairly lenient.
Oh I was. I'm not a Grade A villain! I just got done for the old trouble.
Yeah. You see, with me, they know that it's a ps-ps-psychological defect, as opposed to a cr-criminal tendency.
Ah, they also didn't want a prison burned to the ground, did they?
Yeah, but blimey, Mox, if it was an open prison, you must've had life pretty cushy, eh?
It's still stir, Wayne. It's still people tellin' you what to do an' when to do it! I had a year of it ahead of me.
Well, they'll have a bloody sight more when they nick you, mate.
Bomber
Wayne's right. If you give yourself up, you'll be caned for your walkabout. But if you don't, and you get collared, you'll be looking at two years.
Bomber
Suit yourself. [Gets up to start work.]
Aye, don't worry, Moxey. We'll look after yer.
Maybe we could light a fire, eh?
That's a good idea, that...
Er... no. No, not you, Moxey. I think I'll do it.
[Brushing his teeth] Aye. D'you like it? [Dennis joins the queue for the bathroom. Moxey and Neville are in front.]
Hey! [Bangs the door] Hurry up, Wayne, will you? There's a bloody queue out here, y'know.
Why do these places always just have one bog?
I've just been sayin' to Mox, he'll be all right with us, won't he? He's our mate, we've gotta look after 'im.
Well that's all very well for you to say. Technically I'm the employer.
Ah, that says a lot about where your mentality is, yer kna, Den.
[Goes back to his and Oz's room] What's that supposed to mean?
Well, what do yer think it means?
I don't know. You tell me what my mentality is.
Well, in a word, you see yerself as a gaffer, don't yer? Always have done.
[Walking past the door] That's a whole sentence.
[Shouts down the corridor] Hey, man! I'm sayin' this for your benefit, yer kna, tosspot! [He and Dennis follow Moxey into his and Bomber's room]
Shut up, both of yer! [To Moxey] Look, I've got to handle this job legit, right?
Bomber
[Cutting his toenails] But Ally's a crafty old bugger himself.
Well that's all the more reason, isn'it, why he doesn't want to bring any heat down by some petty infringement of the Employment Act! Look, I have to do their 715, stamp their ticket. Moxey's got neither. [To Moxey] Look, Moxey, if you're picked up, God forbid, they're going to ask me, yer kna, quite rightly, why I hired you without proper documentation. So when you talk about accessories, it won't be you lot, will it? Oh nah, it'll be yours truly who ends up in the clarts!
See what I mean about the gaffer's mentality?
Yeah, but he's right though, isn't he? I can't compromise him. It wouldn't be fair.
All right, all right. But does it not strike you lot as a bit ironic? All this setup, eh?
[Spits out the toothpaste] Here we are, right. We're workin' for this bloke, whose reputation is, to say the least... dubious. I mean I kna all aboot Ally Fraser, yer kna. He's a heavy duty villain. But he's alreet, 'cos he's so bloody wrapped up by lawyers, accountants and legal loopholes, he couldn't give a monkey's chuff aboot the law, the Inland Revenue or nowt! And you're more worried aboot Moxey, who, I mean, yer kna, with all due respect, is just some lowlife punter! His only real fault is he gans through life thinkin' every day is Guy Fawkes' Night!
Bomber
No need for that. [Trying to soothe the dog] Good boy, good boy.
Oh, that's an attack dog, that is. It's trained to go for the working class.
Bomber; He's just not used to strangers, are you, boy?
Eh, well that's the sort of welcome we can expect roond here. [The dog continues barking]
Bit of Alsatian in him, I think. [The dog owner comes out]
DODog Owner
[Approaching his front gate] Why are you annoying my dog?
DODog Owner
He doesn't bark for nothing!
Bomber
We were just having a stroll.
DODog Owner
[Looking at the three] Who are you people?
Who exactly do we have to be?
DODog Owner
I mean... What are you doing around here?
Everybody's got to be somewhere, sir.
Bomber
[As Carol brings him a mug of tea] Thank you, my dear. Service with a smile. Makes a change 'round here.
CCarol
Father's hopeless. And he wonders why the place is always empty!
[Entering the bar] Morning, Bomb.
Bomber
Mornin'.
CCarol
Someone looks like they had a good night last night.
[Stretching his arms] Yeah. We emptied six pubs.
Bomber
We've had more exciting evenings.
That game of skittles we had in The Green Dragon was a blinder, though, wasn't it? Right cliffhanger.
CCarol
D'you want a cup of tea?
Yeah, that'd be magic, love. [Carol goes into the back] 'Ere, this place is on the old up-and-up, eh? We'll be havin' Bunny Girls next.
CCarol
[Returning with a mug for Wayne, she pours tea into it] It's only for the day. Dad's gone into Sheffield, so I said I'd look after the place.
I'll give you a hand if you want, love. I can pull pints. [Carol smiles as she goes into the back]
Bomber
[Looks disappovingly at Wayne] That's not what you want to pull.
Bomber
What?
Bomber
What are you talking about? It's only ten to.
Bomber
[Approaching Wayne] You never give it a rest, do you, Wayne?
Bomber
And what am I supposed to do?
Well... You could get something to eat.
Bomber
I've eaten. I went down the caff at half eleven.
If I gave you a couple of quid, you could go to the picture.
Bomber
There's not a cinema within miles.
The ultimate gesture, Bomb. The keys to me car. Now, apparently, there's this lovely waterfall down the road, very picturesque it is. [Bomber reluctantly takes Wayne's car keys and leaves the pub. Wayne turns the clock to half past two and calls out to the only other person in the bar, an elderly gentleman] Er, excuse me, sir? [He points to the clock, and the gentleman quickly finishes his pint.]
[Points to a page] This one sounds all right, The Pheasant at Ilworth. [Reads from the book] "This old coaching inn has been lovingly restored by Trevor Beaumont, while his partner Nigel Fox runs the kitchen. Local produce, market-fresh vegetables. Among their specialties, we particularly recommend rack of lamb and fresh local trout."
NNorma
Oh, that sounds good, Den.
Aye. Give that a go later on, eh?
Right, er... I'd better book. [Closes the guide and gets up to go to the phone when Bomber walks in] Hello, Bomber.
Bomber
Dennis!
Bomber
Well, I've been driving 'round the countryside, and I picked up a hitchhiker. [Stands aside to reveal Moxey behind him.]
Er, I don't think you've met me sister. Norma, this is Moxey and Bomber.
Erm... [Takes Moxey and Bomber aside] ...is everything all right, is it?
Er, yeah, yeah. Er, I had to go down to London, y'know, to sort a few things out, like. But I got me cards, so there should be no more problems in that department.
Oh, champion, 'cos the architect tells me we'll be back at work on Monday with a bit of luck, like. So you've timed that rather well, Moxey.
No. It's, er, Brendan Mulachy.
NNorma
Dennis, shall I order some more tea for everybody?
Er... I tink it's about time for a drink, isn'it, lads?
Bomber
I wouldn't say no to that.
Aye, why not? Come on, let's have a drink. Things seem to be shapin' up for once.
WWaitress
[Emerging from the door] Mr. Patterson, could you come to the phone, please?
WWaitress
It's the police. A couple of your lads have been arrested.
JJessup
Good afternoon, Sir James. I'm sorry about this.
JSir James
[Looking into the holding room, as does Neville] Are those the chaps?
JJessup
Yes, sir. I caught them red-handed.
JSir James
Oh, dear. [Turns to the desk sergeant] So, what do I do?
Excuse me, Sir James? Could I have a word with you, please?
JSir James
Of course, Neville.
No, no, I mean in private, like.
Those two poachers... they're my workmates.
I'm sure they wouldn't have known what they were doin'. I mean, they wouldn't have known it was your property.
JSir James
I suppose not.
See, we're townies, aren't we?
JSir James
I suppose so. The thing is, they [The locals] take a dim view of that kind of thing, and being the landownder, I'm supposed to set an example.
Well... they could make amends.
Well, instead of paying the fine, maybe they could help me fix your barn.
JSir James
Well, it does seem a lot of fuss about nothing, and Celestia and I could have that trout for supper.
Bomber
Hi, Neville.
It's all right, Dennis. Sir James and I have fixed everything.
I'm just sayin', Barry, we're not outcast anymore, are wa? Not now that Nev's like hat with the local nob. [Crosses his fingers] We're bonafide pillars of the community. [Opens the door of the Barley Mow and starts to head in, followed by Moxey.]
Bomber
Aye, they won't push us around now. [They notice Wayne sat on the far side of the car park with all their baggage and tools]
[As he and Oz head out of the door] It's Wayne, with all the gear out there.
Where have you lot been? I'm bloody freezing!
Never mind that! What's happening here?
Well, Arthur's chucked us out, hasn't he?
Wha? He cannae dae that, man!
Well he can, it's his pub and he's done it, hasn't he?
Bomber
Gotta have a reason, though.
Well he's always been a bit iffy about us being here, ain't he?
We're paying customers now though.
But we do make a lot of noise and some of us occasionally go over the top.
Well, maybes... maybes once.
But you did kick in his jukebox, didn't you and he weren't too happy about that, was he?
Aww, I might have known it'd be down tae me again as usual!
[Gets up] Come on, let's load up, eh?
Hold on a tick, I'm not taking this lying down!
It's got nowt to do with me, I never stayed there once!
[To Wayne] Oi, oi, come here a minute! Look, if he's turfing the whole six of you lot out, you must have put up some sort of black! What have you been up to, eh?
Well... I suppose him finding me in bed with his daughter had something to do with it.
[Furious, the lads chase Wayne into the back car park]
Auf Wiedersehen, Pet · 320 quotes
