Neville quotes from Auf Wiedersehen, Pet

Brenda

Now, what are the words we don't use?

Neville

I'm broke, I'm stressed, I'm depressed, I'm too old.

Brenda

Right.

Brenda

I fixed Debbie’s party, taken the back room at Guido’s, we can have a disco and everything.

Neville

That’s gonna cost, isn’t it?

Brenda

Hello….what were we just saying?!!

Neville

Fine, fine…champagne, limousines, ecstasy…whatever!

Neville

I’ve been seeing a shrink…funny thing is I could do it with her no problem.

Oz

Can you not think of her while you’re shagging Brenda?

Neville

Aww, I knew I shouldn’t have mentioned this.

Oz

Make a hell of a good way of getting your money out of a sex therapist.

Dennis

Well, we just have to make sure that they stay on their own side of the River, that's all.

Oz

Well, that's easy enough.

Oz

We're going to have the Kosovans support the Boro

Oz

And the Serbs can support Hartlepool United.

Neville

Let's hope they never meet in the Cup!

Wyman

I can usually suss I bloke’s musical tastes, me.

Oz

Haddaway and bollocks, you’ve only known me for five bloody minutes lad. There’s no way you can tell what I like to listen to.

Neville

No, alright have a go!

Wyman

Ok, I will, alright alright…Early Stones, The Clash, Clapton, and a sprinkling of C and W.

[Jeers]

Dennis

Ha ha, not far off the mark there!

Oz

He’s been in my gaffe, he’s been right through my CDs!

Wyman

No I haven’t mate, no I haven’t. Alright then - Dennis.

Dennis

Aye, go on then.

Wyman

Otis Redding, Aretha

Oz

Aretha?

Wyman

Aretha, Marvin Gaye…and you’ve got a soft spot for Rod Stewart, but only when you’re at the karaoke pissed!

Dennis

Aye, I can’t argue with that young‘an!

Bomber

What about me?

Wyman

Easy, you’re easy. Abba and Acker Bilk.

Dennis

What about Neville?

Wyman

Morose music I reckon.

Neville

Get away!

Wyman

Yeah, morose music…The Smiths, The Cult, Depeche Mode…music to slit your wrist by!

Neville

That’s not me at all!

Oz

No, nooo…these days Neville likes to watch Destiny’s Child videos!

Oz

He's not gay. He thinks he is, but he's not.

Neville

Well, it’s just like exhibitionism, isn’t it? Like a cry for attention.

Oz

Exactly.

Bomber

Would it matter if he was?

Oz

Well it would to me!

Wyman

Well even if he is…

Oz

He’s not! He can’t be! There's never been a huckle in the Osbourne family and we can trace our lineage all the way back to the Second World War. Now, end of subject. Right?

Right, aye.

Neville

Of course.

Oz

It's always been the tunnel, not the funnel.

Bomber

I did hear right, did I? I thought I heard the word ‘million’!

Yeah!

Dennis

You did aye. Mind you, we’ll have to take into account transportation and erection costs.

Neville

I’m getting an erection just thinking about it!

Oz

Better get it home to Brenda A.S.A.P.!

I got the testimony back from the UK. It’s all good. Local cops confirm this guy Kadi’s a piece of work and spoke very highly of you…Inspector Colin Bishop…

Barry

Colin, yeah?

Yeah, “No way you’re a bad guy, you’re just a radish who got rich.” I’m not familiar with the expression?

Barry

I’ve heard it before.

Barry, you know I’m going to bat for you. We’ll speak Friday.

Barry

Bye.

Neville

What is it?

Bomber

Yeah, what?

Barry

I don’t believe it. Colin Bishop. I’ve known him for years. We’ve played golf together. He’s had dinner in my house on more than one occasion…and he calls me a radish!

Neville

Barry man!

Oz

We’re not bothered about that man!

Dennis

Barry man, what about the charges?!

Barry

What?

Dennis

What about the charges man?!

Barry

Oh you’ll probably be free and clear. I’m the one who’s going to fall on his sword…[angrily to Oz] ever since your funeral, my life’s been unravelling like a ball of knitting wool!

Barry

You like the ladies don’t you Neville?

Neville

No more than most.

Barry

Awww, I think you do, nothing wrong with that, the trouble is as you get older you become horribly aware of all the young flesh will never be yours. I mean, when you’re young anything’s possible innit? Anything? But when you get to our age, you know you’re never going to bonk Buffy The Vampire Slayer

Neville

You an’ all?

Dennis

Well why not man? We’ve worked our nuts off for three months. Anyway, it’s a tourist attraction in the state.

Oz

Aye, that’s right. People come here for a flutter and a show and a shag. I mean if you went to Venice you’d ride a gondola wouldn’t yer?!

Oz

We’re gonna set a honey-trap lads, get Granger in a sexually compromising position.

Bomber

How are we going to do that?

Oz

Well, Nev’s got a fantastic in at the brothel hasn’t he, he’s almost got a season ticket doon there... so we’ll get his lass, Kelly-Anne, to set it up, right, get Granger in a bubble bath with two or three tarts doing unspeakables to ‘em...

Neville

Every chance you get, you drag her into the conversation, don’t yer, just so you can slag her off, why don’t you keep your face out of my life! [storms out]

Oz

Well I still think it’s a canny idea!

Neville

Do I need any special training or anything?

Neville, you’re not Pierce Brosnan

Neville

Where's Oz?

Barry

The ballet.

Right! Let’s play Road Kill Cricket!

Bomber

How’s that work?

Anything dead your side of the road you score runs, anything their side they do!

Neville

How do you mean runs?

One for each leg: a dead chicken’s worth two, that goat would have been four if we’d started.

Wyman

So a centipede’s a ton, right?

No insects! You’re being silly now Wyman.

Wyman

Oh, forgive me.

Oz

What about a snake?

That’s a tricky one Oz, it doesn’t have any legs but it is an animal so it should qualify…

Neville

How am I supposed to get to know him?! He’s not gay is he?

No no, staright as a tent pole. He likes girls, bars, technopop. Annnd he’s passionate about Manchester United. Apparently several million Chinese are.

Neville

How’s that supposed to help?

You’re a footballer.

Neville

Not Man U I’m not!

You are now.

Neville

Aww no, no, ha’way, forget it. I’m from Newcastle man! That’s like asking me to change us religion!

Small price to pay for Queen and country. Here you might need this. [hands Neville a United shirt printed with Giggs]