Narrator quotes from Arrested Development

The Narrator

...And Steve Holt finally tracks down his real father.

Steve Holt

I've been wondering my whole life who he is. A scientist, a doctor, a senator?

Well, we got some bad news. [Hands Steve a picture of Gob]

Steve Holt

Wow... Is that what's gonna happen to my hair?

When allegations surfaced that he’d illegally built homes in Iraq, George Bluth Sr., assisted by his secretary, Kitty, escaped the country...

Narrator

Due to poor acting, the burden of the story was placed on the narrator.

...only to be found hiding under one of the homes that he himself built.

Narrator

He was actually found in a hole near the house, but this inattention to detail was typical of the laziness the show’s narrator was known for.

Tobias

[As George] I cannot survive under the house. Perhaps an attic shall I seek.

Narrator

Real shoddy narrating. Just pure crap.

Narrator

Gob had hidden his father under a house that had just collapsed.

Gob

[Seeing George Michael and Maeby] Children - you're small. Crawl under there.

Gob

Well, I will tell you this, Michael: I don’t have a son...

Narrator

He does.

Gob

...But if I ever do, I'm either going to take him to the cabin in the woods, or I'm going to promise to take him and then not take him. But the one thing that I will never do is not tell him that I'm taking him to a cabin in the woods, and then not take him!

Narrator

Gob was growing up.

Gob

There's only one sleeping bag, so we're going to have to double up. Pigs in a blanket!

Michael

Sorry, pal, something came up.

Gob

It is worse to know.

Narrator

Gob was getting life lessons all over the place.

Oscar

I'm your uncle! I'm your dad's twin brother! I'm Oscar! He switched on me! Noone believes me!

Narrator

Unfortunately for Oscar, "You got the wrong twin" was a very popular alibi.

You simply got the wrong twin!

We're quadruplets! You got the wrong two!

We're Larry and Dave!

You want Curtis and Jack!

Oscar

I even started up a website: I'mOscar.com! (we see the I'mOscar.com main webpage) I'm innocent Michael! I'm Oscar! Dot Com!

Narrator

Michael did try again with Rita, but this time determined to keep no secrets.

Michael

I want to tell you everything if... if you're willing to listen.

Rita

I'm a very good listener.

Michael

Great. Start with the misdemeanors and then, we're gonna' push right on through to the lighter treasons. So, 1983...

If you take money from these people under false pretenses, you’ll be committing fraud. The government’s already watching your father pretty closely. They’re going through his mail. They want to put your father in prison for good.

George

Yeah, Bob’s right. We’ve got to start thinking practically. Life is not some cheesy Japanese movie where the hero pulls on a pair of jet pants and...

...flies off the balcony like Astro Boy.

Narrator

And that’s when George Sr. did a Web search for the words “jet pants.”

George

Even better.

Michael

She's sweet. She's smart. She's beautiful. She's special.

Narrator

She was special.

Rita

Are houses terribly hard to make?

Michael

Actually, the hardest part is finding the land.

Narrator

But she wasn't smart...

Rita

Instead of making houses, maybe you should make land.

Narrator

...for Rita had only mentally progressed...

Rita

On the ocean.

Narrator

...to the level of a first grader.

Rita

There's no land on the ocean.

Narrator

Michael might have noticed her disability if it had not been masked by her English accent.

Michael

[pause] You are brilliant.

Narrator

Yeah. She wasn't.

Rita

Rita corny, Michael.

Narrator

So Michael used a line that was just as corny.

Michael

You know, I think that we should wait until after we're married.

Tobias

Is there a little girl here all by herself?

Narrator

And perhaps it was this that would finally get him to admit that he sometimes did speak in a misleading way.

Tobias

Daddy needs to get his rocks off!

Gob

What... what... is it? I... [laughs] You... It's the-the-the-the... the-the questions... you ask so many, of these, of these, of these, these-these questions, that-that-that-that you keep asking f-for me... for-for-for-f-for, sh-should-should-should, should I, should I, should I? Sh-should-should the, should the, should the, should-should the guy, should the guy... [voice breaks] should the guy... Sh-should the guy in the the $32... In the $32, pink-p-p ba-bath-bath-bath... Sh-should-should-should... should the girl in the $6,000 tuxedo, should the guy, should the guy, in the $32... in the $3,400... should the guy, come on! Come on! [sobbing] Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on!

Narrator

Gob was uncomfortable with the question.