Mr Humphries quotes from Are You Being Served?

Captain Peacock

Mr. Humphries!

Mr Humphries

I'm not free! [runs into the women's dressing room]

Mr Humphries

I thought you had sworn not to harm any living thing: animal, vegetable, or insect!

Mr Lucas

I didn't say anything about fairy cakes.

Mr Humphries

Before you say anything, I've got to use this because me mother's got me raincoat to queue up for her disability pension. I borrowed it off a very nice girl punk rocker that lives next door. It was her bridal gown.

Mrs Slocombe

Don't tell me she got married in that.

Mr Humphries

Married? She lived in it for a week with the groom before they found somewhere to squat.

Mr Humphries

Why has Mr Spooner been blackballed?

Mrs Slocombe

Because the fireman wanted a clear passage.

Mr Humphries

No further questions!

Mr Humphries

[Recounting recent visit to the doctors] Oh yes, well after a very rigorous examination, he looked at me and said: "I can't find anything wrong with you." Which surprised me, so I asked for a second opinion.

Mr Spooner

Did you get one?

Mr Humphries

Hmm, from the window cleaner, but we closed the curtains and ignored him.

Mrs Slocombe

Oh, I'm better for that. What's been happening?

Mr Humphries

Well, Mrs. Peacock loves Captain Peacock, and Captain Peacock, alias Jack the Lad loves Mrs. Peacock, although he's got a very strange way of showing it. And Mr. Rumbold, it appears, was just masquerading, and I know from long experience that only leads to trouble. Ooh, and the maintenance men who have the wherewithal to open the locked window have just come out the pub.

Mrs Slocombe

Ooh, isn't that wonderful, Captain Peacock? All's well that ends well.

Captain Peacock

Mrs. Slocombe, since the maintenance men have just got on a 47 Bus, what makes you think it's all going to end well?

I think I ought to look for another job.

Mr Spooner

What could you do?

What do you mean what could I do? I've got my brain! I've got my eyes! My senses, my hands, my feet...

Mr Humphries

You could be a guide dog.

Captain Peacock

It's alright for Miss Brahms; I mean, she can always get married to somebody who could keep her in a manner to which she's been accustomed.

Miss Brahms

"I don't want to live in the manner to which I've been accustomed. I mean, coming to work here every day, Larry Grayson Saturday, roast and two-veg Sunday... I want some excitement - I want to do something with me life! I'm looking for Dallas and all I'm getting is Coronation Street!"

Mr Humphries

You're lucky, all I'm getting is Jackanory.

Mrs Slocombe

Oh, I've dropped the pot!

Mr Spooner

I think we've attracted attention, all right.

Mr Humphries

Somehow, I don't think a red policeman is not going to be on our side.

Mr Humphries

[Recognising fireman] You!

[Recognising Humphries] You!

Mr Humphries

What happened to the Benedictine monastery?

Well, it's a long story.

Mr Humphries

You can tell me on the way down. Alley-oop!

Mrs Slocombe

How are you today, Mr. Humphries?

Mr Humphries

Bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, Mrs. Slocombe.

Mrs Slocombe

*gasps* You've brought on my dream! Last night I dreamed that you were Squirrel Nutkin and I was a little lady squirrel. And you built your house half way up an oak tree.

Mr Humphries

Was it thatched in dandelion leaves?

Mrs Slocombe

*gasps again* How'd you guess?

Mr Humphries

I never use anything else!

Mrs Slocombe

Well, anyway, I climbed up your tree and I knocked on your little door, only you pretended you weren't in, so I had to kick it down. And there you were, hiding behind your acorns. What do you suppose that means?

Mr Humphries

It means that I'll have to build it a good size higher next year.

Mr Spooner

[Discussing Slocombe's attraction towards Humphries] Do you think she wants something?

Mr Humphries

I hope not.

Mr Rumbold

Mr. Humphries, why are you different from the others?

Mr Humphries

Do you know, a lot of people ask that. Apparently, this was made for Mrs. Thatcher but when she got there, she said she wanted to be treated like any other woman going down a mine... and she was.

Mrs Slocombe

It's something I do at home.

Mr Humphries

Well, that narrows things down a bit, doesn't it?

Mr Humphries

About time, too. It's very draughty out here. Up a bit, George.

Mr Humphries

This is as far as I go. Thanks for the lift. Oh...

Mr Rumbold

This is most irregular.

Mr Humphries

I was just only using my initiative. I knew that the outside of the building was being painted, and after a little light banter with the workmen every morning, I took the advantage of their kind offer of a lift.

Mrs Slocombe

There's white paint on the back of your coat.

Mr Humphries

That must have been where I lost my nerve and he tried to steady me. D'you know I've no head for heights. And he was well over six foot tall.

National Associated Canteen Employees, Restaurant and Domesticated.

Mr Humphries

"Knackered". I might have guessed.