Mr Harman quotes from Are You Being Served?

Mr Lucas

It slipped right down, Mr Harman!

Mr Harman

Well it can't have gone that far, tell her to speak up a bit, and try and get Captain Peacock on the same mic...

Miss Brahms

What if he shouted up her skirt?

Mrs Slocombe

[Angrily] No one is shouting up my skirt, saying they recognize the face!

Young Mr Grace

[Wearing glasses] I can't find me spectacles, you read it.

Mr Harman

Uh, yes. Now, this is the oldest. [Points to chest of drawers]

Mr Grace

The bow front with the short legs?

Mrs Slocombe

That'll be you, Mr. Goldberg!

Shh! I want to hear!

Mr Harman

The top's in very good condition, bit of dry rot in the leg, and the knob's going to fall off! [Mr Goldberg is shocked)

Young Mr Grace

What about that pretty little piece?

Mrs Slocombe

That must be you, Miss Brahms.

Mr Lucas

Well, it certainly won't be you!

Mr Harman

Outwardly, in very good condition. Unfortunately it's got a screw loose! And the knockers aren't genuine...

Miss Brahms

[Outraged] Blummin' cheek!!

Mr Harman

That brings me to this one, here.

Mr Grace

Oh, the big chest?

Mrs Slocombe

[Appears uncomfortable]

Mr Harman

Once used by a lot of soldiers, there was a lot of odd things found in the drawers, which once removed, you could plainly see the ravages of time. Oh, and there's rising damp in the bottom. Now, we come to the pouf.

Mr Humphries

[Looks embarrassed]

Mr Harman

Outwardly in very good condition. A bit older than it looks, a bit saggy in the middle, and probably worth hanging onto if you're prepared to have it stuffed!

Mr Humphries

[Faints, collapses into Peacock's arms]

Mr Rumbold

I see. Well can you find a B-flat in there?

Mr Harman

Certainly sir. Would you like it on the flute, the horn, the Hawaiian guitar or the bass bassoon?

Mr Rumbold

What on earth does that sound like?

Mrs Slocombe

Mr Harman, as Captain Peacock isn't here, I feel it's up to me to tell you that I don't want you on the floor at this time of the morning.

Mr Harman

My wife will be pleased to hear that. She's a very jealous woman.

Mrs Slocombe

Would you like my pump up your proboscis?

Mr Harman

Are you trying to put the wind up me?