[First lines. The opening shot is in the gents department at Grace Brothers Department Store. The camera travels across to the lift on the right. The lift doors open with two women inside, Mrs. Betty Slocombe and Miss Shirley Brahms]
Oh, is that the best you can do, Miss Brahms?
Well it's not my job, is it? I'll try again. (Presses a button and the lift doors close, but the lift itself malfunctions)
(from inside the lift) Oh, really.
[The doors open again and the two ladies realise they are in the same position]
Look, the girl who operates the lifts should be here to help us with the move.
Oh, never mind, come along. (Jumps down from the lift and Miss Brahms gives her the garment rack they have taken to the floor) Oh, Miss Brahms. Pull your skirt down.
That may be, but now that we're sharing our department with gents outfitting, it might pay us to be a little more circumspect.
[But then, Mrs. Slocombe pulls the garment rack into a trolley which is being pushed by Mr. Mash, a maintenance man who works at Grace Brothers]
Mr MashCor blimey! Women drivers.
That'll do, Mr. Mash. Instead of standing there making those sarcastic remarks, you could give us a hand.
Mr Mash
Middle-class cow! (Mrs. Slocombe glares at him as he pushes his trolley to the gents counter which is being manned by Mr. Humphries)
Having trouble with Mrs. Slocombe?
Mr Mash
All that woman's lib's gone to her head, mate!
Oh, I hope not. If she burns her bra, we'll have to call out the London Fire Brigade.
Mr Mash
Women's department. Who ever heard of a women's department on this floor? It's been men's ever since I was a boy.
That Mrs. Pankhurst's really started something.
Mr Mash
Well what are you gonna do about it, Mr. Humphries?
Well as a matter of fact, I was thinking of chaining myself to the lift gates.
Mr Mash
Eh? Kinky.
[Mr Mash brings round pyjamas]
Mr Mash
There we are Miss Brahms.
Oh, no thank you, I don't wear them. I don't like the rough material on my skin.
You will wear pyjamas tonight, Miss Brahms! Suppose there was a fire and you had no clothes on?
Oooh, I'd be first to get rescued!
[Captain Peacock arrives in the lift wearing a suit and bow tie]
Mr Mash
Captain Stephen Peacock, RASC, C of E, hero of the Battle of Catterick NAAFI, holder of the Hot Cross Bun and Bar....
That will do, Mr. Mash. (Mr. Mash gives him a glass)
Mr Mash
Here you are, Captain.
Mr Mash
Hey, take it easy. We ain't got no reserves.
[Madame Trixie introduces herself to Captain Peacock and Mr. Rumbold]
MTMadame Trixie
Good evening, I am Madame Trixie, and this is the Trixie trio.
Welcome to Grace Brothers.
MTMadame Trixie
Ooh, champagne!
Mr Mash
Beer for the band's behind the piano. (Walks away)
MTMadame Trixie
Where do you want the orchestra?
Uh, well over here, ladies, I think. By the, er, pianoforte.
[Drunk] Well, Captain Peacock, it looks as though we're going to be able to trip the tight lanfastic...
She wants you to rip her tight elastic.
Perhaps you'd better sit down, Mrs. Slocombe, we're starting in less than an hour.
[Young Mr. Grace arrives in the left lift]
GMrs Grainger
Is that Young Mr. Grace?
Old Mr. Grace doesn't get about much.
No you're not too late, Mr. Grace.
Nah, there's still plenty of cabinet pudding left, Mr. Grace.
I suppose he's come to hand over the clock.
Yes, just in time. (Goes over to Mr. Humphries and Mr. Lucas) Ahem...
[Mr. Lucas stands up while Mr. Rumbold and Mr. Humphries sit down. Mr. Lucas goes to the counter, picks up something and sits on it]
Shall I continue, Mr. Grace.
Oh, please do, Mr. Rumbold.
Well, I was about to remark how very much we appreciate the long years of devoted service, the great consideration that you've always shown for all those with whom you have worked.
We... We feel... We definitely feel that after all these long years, you have truly earned a rest. And therefore all that remains... (Picks up the cuckoo clock) ...is for this to be presented. (Gives the clock to Young Mr. Grace) Here you are, sir.
Oh, thank you. This is a surprise. How very nice of you all. I've given a lot of these away, but I've never got one. Well my doctor says I shouldn't be out, so I'm now going. (to Mr. Grainger) Another five years, and you'll be getting one of those, Ernest. (to the rest of the staff) Well, goodbye, all.
SStaff
Goodbye, Mr. Grace.
You've all done very well.
SStaff
Thank you, Mr. Grace.
[As Young Mr. Grace leaves, the staff sit back down at the table]
Well, Ernest, it looks as if you're staying on.
Yes, it does. Of course, I'm very happy about it, but I - I should have liked a bit more leisure. (Turns to Mr. Rumbold) Could I have Monday off?
Well if he's not leaving, he won't be needing his presents, will he? (Takes a present away)
[Mr. Mash arrives with a big cake]
Mr Mash
For...
SStaff
(sing together) He's a jolly good fellow, for he's a jolly good fellow, for he's a jolly good fellow... and so say all of us!
Mr Mash
Here you are Mrs. Slocombe, twelve bras.
I wonder what the German is for them... Bustenhalter? [Brahms pulls out a very large bra] Blimey, whatever size is that?
Klein Miss Brahms, it means small.
They're well built, those German girls.
Are You Being Served? · 106 quotes
