Mrs Slocombe quotes from Are You Being Served?

Mrs Slocombe

[Drunk, about Mr. Rumbold] Oooh, twiddle his knob someone, he's out of focus!

Mrs Slocombe

"You know, this sort of thing just isn't fair on my pussy. She has a go at the furniture if I'm not there prompt."

Mrs Slocombe

It's a wonder I'm here at all, you know. My pussy got soaking wet. I had to dry it out in front of the fire before I left!

Mrs Slocombe

[About Miss Brahms, who is wearing a padded bra] You look like the Hunchfront of Notre Dame!

Mrs Slocombe

[To Miss Brahms. after the latter has caught her in the fitting room drinking alcohol] I'm just taking me slimming pill; only I've run out of water, and I can't bear neat gin.

Mrs Slocombe

[Regarding Humphries] "He's different in me dreams."

Mrs Slocombe

Hello pet, it's your mistress speaking. Now listen, I'm gonna be later than I thought. So why don't you lay down on that big comfy bed of yours and when I come home I'll tickle your tummy all over.

Mrs Slocombe

Oh, I'm soo sorry Mr. Akbar! I must have misdialed. It's your neighbor Mrs. Slocombe... What do you mean, you leave your key under the mat?

Mrs Slocombe

Oh my little pet, I'm ever so sorry, but I'll make it up to you when I get home. Why don't you open your little flap and play with your ball? [Listens] Mr. Akbar, how dare you!

Mrs Slocombe

...and I am unanimous in this...

Mrs Slocombe

Weak as water!

Mrs Slocombe

Mind you...

Mrs Slocombe

Oh, is that the best you can do, Miss Brahms?

Miss Brahms

Well it's not my job, is it? I'll try again. (Presses a button and the lift doors close, but the lift itself malfunctions)

Mrs Slocombe

(from inside the lift) Oh, really.

Miss Brahms

Look, the girl who operates the lifts should be here to help us with the move.

Mrs Slocombe

Oh, never mind, come along. (Jumps down from the lift and Miss Brahms gives her the garment rack they have taken to the floor) Oh, Miss Brahms. Pull your skirt down.

Miss Brahms

But we're not open.

Mrs Slocombe

That may be, but now that we're sharing our department with gents outfitting, it might pay us to be a little more circumspect.

Mr Mash

Cor blimey! Women drivers.

Mrs Slocombe

That'll do, Mr. Mash. Instead of standing there making those sarcastic remarks, you could give us a hand.

Mr Mash

Middle-class cow! (Mrs. Slocombe glares at him as he pushes his trolley to the gents counter which is being manned by Mr. Humphries)

Mr Humphries

Having trouble with Mrs. Slocombe?

Mr Mash

All that woman's lib's gone to her head, mate!

Mr Humphries

Oh, I hope not. If she burns her bra, we'll have to call out the London Fire Brigade.

Mr Mash

Women's department. Who ever heard of a women's department on this floor? It's been men's ever since I was a boy.

Mr Humphries

That Mrs. Pankhurst's really started something.

Mr Mash

Well what are you gonna do about it, Mr. Humphries?

Mr Humphries

Well as a matter of fact, I was thinking of chaining myself to the lift gates.

Mr Mash

Eh? Kinky.

Captain Peacock

Good morning, Mr. Lucas.

Mr Lucas

(stands up) Oh, sorry.

Captain Peacock

Am I to understand that you have deserted gentlemen's ready made in favour of the ladies?

Mr Lucas

Well I'm just giving a helping hand, sir.

Captain Peacock

Well I'm glad to see that the arrival of the ladies in your territory hasn't caused any bad blood.

Mr Lucas

Oh no, not from me Captain Peacock.

Captain Peacock

Mmmm. One wonders whether the arrival of, er, gentlemen's shoes, for instance, would have been treated with the same enthusiasm.

Mrs Slocombe

Mr. Lucas is doing his best to make us feel at home, Captain Peacock, which is more than can be said for the rest of the department.

Captain Peacock

Well just a passing phase, Mrs. Slocombe. With your personality, I'm sure you could charm the very birds off the trees.

Mrs Slocombe

Oh, oh I wouldn't say that.

Mr Lucas

Neither would I.

Captain Peacock

And, Lucas, while you're down there, straighten those seams. I hate to see crooked seams.

Mr Lucas

Yes, Mr. Peacock.

Captain Peacock

Hm?

Mr Lucas

Captain Peacock. (Salutes to Captain Peacock and then gets back to work, but he accidentally touches the legs of Mrs. Slocombe)

Mrs Slocombe

No!

Mr Lucas

I'm-I'm sorry, Mrs. Slocombe, Captain Peacock told me to do it. I mean straighten them, I mean. Not yours, the dummies.

Mr Humphries

Griffin wants you.

Mr Lucas

Yes thank you. (to Mrs. Slocombe) I'm so sorry.

Mrs Slocombe

Why anyone would want to buy a women's magazine with a centerfold of a nude man is beyond me.

Miss Brahms

Well, I thought Burt Reynolds looked quite sexy.

Mrs Slocombe

Well, you couldn't see anything; his arm was in the way.

Mr Humphries

(from the mens' counter) He's picked it up.

Captain Peacock

Are you free, Mrs. Slocombe?

Mrs Slocombe

(going to her counter) At the moment, Captain Peacock.

Captain Peacock

Mrs. Slocombe, I mentioned your complaint to, uh, Mr. Granger, And he, on his part, also made a complaint, about the view of the ladies fitting room, from his department.

Mrs Slocombe

What was he complaining about? That he could see, or he couldn't?

Captain Peacock

Mrs. Slocombe, I, I don't think he's quite as broadminded, as we are. (Gives the note to Mrs. Slocombe) Oh, do something about that, will you? (Goes back to the middle of the floor)

Miss Brahms

What have you got there?

Mrs Slocombe

It's a bit of paper. Captain Peacock gave it to me. (Opens up the note) Ooh, it's a note! Pass me glasses, Miss Brahms. (Miss Brahms gives her some glasses and Mrs. Slocombe starts reading the note) "Dear Sexy Knickers, I don't half-fancy you. Meet me outside at 5:30, and we'll get it together." Get what, well, really?

Miss Brahms

I didn't think you had sexy knickers.

Mrs Slocombe

As a matter of fact, they're Directoire. Some men get quite worked up about them, you know.

Captain Peacock

Yes, I shall find out who wrote this. And you know me, Mrs. Slocombe, I don't rest, until I get to the bottom of things.

Mr Humphries

Glass of water, glass of water for Mr. Granger.

Mr Lucas

But he hasn't asked for a glass of water.

Mr Humphries

He will!

Captain Peacock

Are you free, Mr. Grainger?

Mr Grainger

Yes, I'm free, Captain Peacock.

Captain Peacock

Mr. Humphries?

Mr Humphries

Yes, I'm free, Captain Peacock.

Captain Peacock

Is Mr. Lucas free?

Mr Humphries

I think he's going to be free for a very long time.

Captain Peacock

Now, Lucas. Now, I have here, a billhead from this department, on which is written. (Reads the note thrown by Mr. Lucas to Miss Brahms) "Dear Sexy Knickers: I don't half fancy you. Meet me outside at half-past five and we'll get it together." (Mr. Lucas drinks a glass of water) Now then, it is my duty as head of this department to ask each one of you if you wrote this note. (to Mr. Grainger) Mr. Grainger, did you write this note?

Mr Grainger

I don't even understand it!

Mr Humphries

Mr. Grainger wouldn't say, "Dear Sexy Knickers", you'd say, "Dear Sexy Bloomers", wouldn't you?

Mr Grainger

I very much doubt it.

Captain Peacock

Mr. Humphries, did you write this note?

Mr Humphries

No, but thanks for the compliment.

Captain Peacock

Well, in view of those two denials, I can come to only one conclusion.

Mr Lucas

Shall I leave now or work till 5:30.

Captain Peacock

Yes, well, we'll leave the matter of your future in abeyance. What you will do is apologise to the ladies department for the distress you have caused.

Mr Lucas

Now?

Captain Peacock

Yes, now!

Mr Grainger

Yes, now!

Mr Humphries

Well, you came out of that very well.

Mr Lucas

But, at least it gives me a chance to get over there, and chat Shirley up, and ask her out.

Mr Humphries

If you fell in the dark, you'd come up with coal.

Mr Lucas

Are you free, Mrs. Slocombe?

Mrs Slocombe

At the moment, Mr. Lucas.

Mr Lucas

I'm... I'm afraid I've, I've been a bit of a naughty boy, Mrs. Slocombe.

Mrs Slocombe

Have you, Mr. Lucas? What have you been up to?

Mr Lucas

Well, you know that note that you thought came from Captain Peacock?

Mrs Slocombe

Yes.

Mr Lucas

Well, it was from me.

Mrs Slocombe

Well, I should've guessed all the time, shouldn't I?

Mr Lucas

What?

Mrs Slocombe

I've seen the way you've been looking at me!

Mr Lucas

What?

Mrs Slocombe

(in a sexy voice) But you're a very naughty boy, sending notes. You should've come across in the open and come out with it!

Mr Lucas

Should I?

Mrs Slocombe

You shouldn't be so shy. (in a sexy voice) You know, you're more attractive than you think.

Mr Lucas

Am I?

Mrs Slocombe

(checking her watch) Ooh, it's 5:30. Well, I'll just put my hat on and meet you outside! (in a sexy voice) Mind you, I'm not promising anything.