Captain Peacock quotes from Are You Being Served?

Captain Peacock

Well, it's Mrs. Slocombe at the top of the stairs, followed by Miss Brahms. Behind her, Mr. Klein and myself, then Mr. Humphries. And outside on the street, Mr. Spooner.

Captain Peacock

Good morning, Mr. Lucas.

Mr Lucas

(stands up) Oh, sorry.

Captain Peacock

Am I to understand that you have deserted gentlemen's ready made in favour of the ladies?

Mr Lucas

Well I'm just giving a helping hand, sir.

Captain Peacock

Well I'm glad to see that the arrival of the ladies in your territory hasn't caused any bad blood.

Mr Lucas

Oh no, not from me Captain Peacock.

Captain Peacock

Mmmm. One wonders whether the arrival of, er, gentlemen's shoes, for instance, would have been treated with the same enthusiasm.

Mrs Slocombe

Mr. Lucas is doing his best to make us feel at home, Captain Peacock, which is more than can be said for the rest of the department.

Captain Peacock

Well just a passing phase, Mrs. Slocombe. With your personality, I'm sure you could charm the very birds off the trees.

Mrs Slocombe

Oh, oh I wouldn't say that.

Mr Lucas

Neither would I.

Captain Peacock

And, Lucas, while you're down there, straighten those seams. I hate to see crooked seams.

Mr Lucas

Yes, Mr. Peacock.

Captain Peacock

Hm?

Mr Lucas

Captain Peacock. (Salutes to Captain Peacock and then gets back to work, but he accidentally touches the legs of Mrs. Slocombe)

Mrs Slocombe

No!

Mr Lucas

I'm-I'm sorry, Mrs. Slocombe, Captain Peacock told me to do it. I mean straighten them, I mean. Not yours, the dummies.

Mr Humphries

Griffin wants you.

Mr Lucas

Yes thank you. (to Mrs. Slocombe) I'm so sorry.

Captain Peacock

Tie, Mr. Lucas.

Mr Lucas

Ah, yes, of course, Captain Peacock. Anything in particular, sir?

Captain Peacock

Straighten your tie, Mr. Lucas.

Mr Lucas

[understanding what Captain Peacock was referring to] Oh. Yes, sir.

Captain Peacock

One pencil is sufficient.

Mr Lucas

Uh, yes, Captain Peacock. Shall I keep the HB or the special soft?

Captain Peacock

If you were troubled to read the memo from the accounts department, you would know that they prefer ball points. Correct, Mr. Humphries?

Mr Humphries

Ball points, Captain Peacock.

Mr Lucas

Actually, I did have a ball point, but I was always getting ticked off, because then I'd-I-I kept getting blue streaks on me white handkerchief, you see.

Captain Peacock

Well, possibly... a retractable pen would solve your problems?

Mr Lucas

Oh, that's very nice, sir.

Captain Peacock

You can get them from the stationery. You get a staff discount.

Mr Lucas

Yes, sir.

Captain Peacock

And by the way, about that handkerchief... may I show you how we do it at Grace Brothers? We don't just, uh... take it from the laundry, fold it, and stuff it in.

Mr Lucas

Don't we?

Captain Peacock

NO.

Mr Lucas

What do we do? Oh, excuse me...

Captain Peacock

Don't interrupt. We place it, so. We then take it in the middle, like so. We flute it, so. We bend it over the bottom, so... and tuck it back, so. The effect is casual but smart.

Mr Lucas

It sets the pen off nicely, too.

Mr Humphries

(from the mens' counter) He's picked it up.

Captain Peacock

Are you free, Mrs. Slocombe?

Mrs Slocombe

(going to her counter) At the moment, Captain Peacock.

Captain Peacock

Mrs. Slocombe, I mentioned your complaint to, uh, Mr. Granger, And he, on his part, also made a complaint, about the view of the ladies fitting room, from his department.

Mrs Slocombe

What was he complaining about? That he could see, or he couldn't?

Captain Peacock

Mrs. Slocombe, I, I don't think he's quite as broadminded, as we are. (Gives the note to Mrs. Slocombe) Oh, do something about that, will you? (Goes back to the middle of the floor)

Miss Brahms

What have you got there?

Mrs Slocombe

It's a bit of paper. Captain Peacock gave it to me. (Opens up the note) Ooh, it's a note! Pass me glasses, Miss Brahms. (Miss Brahms gives her some glasses and Mrs. Slocombe starts reading the note) "Dear Sexy Knickers, I don't half-fancy you. Meet me outside at 5:30, and we'll get it together." Get what, well, really?

Miss Brahms

I didn't think you had sexy knickers.

Mrs Slocombe

As a matter of fact, they're Directoire. Some men get quite worked up about them, you know.

Captain Peacock

Yes, I shall find out who wrote this. And you know me, Mrs. Slocombe, I don't rest, until I get to the bottom of things.

Mr Humphries

Glass of water, glass of water for Mr. Granger.

Mr Lucas

But he hasn't asked for a glass of water.

Mr Humphries

He will!

Captain Peacock

Are you free, Mr. Grainger?

Mr Grainger

Yes, I'm free, Captain Peacock.

Captain Peacock

Mr. Humphries?

Mr Humphries

Yes, I'm free, Captain Peacock.

Captain Peacock

Is Mr. Lucas free?

Mr Humphries

I think he's going to be free for a very long time.

Captain Peacock

Now, Lucas. Now, I have here, a billhead from this department, on which is written. (Reads the note thrown by Mr. Lucas to Miss Brahms) "Dear Sexy Knickers: I don't half fancy you. Meet me outside at half-past five and we'll get it together." (Mr. Lucas drinks a glass of water) Now then, it is my duty as head of this department to ask each one of you if you wrote this note. (to Mr. Grainger) Mr. Grainger, did you write this note?

Mr Grainger

I don't even understand it!

Mr Humphries

Mr. Grainger wouldn't say, "Dear Sexy Knickers", you'd say, "Dear Sexy Bloomers", wouldn't you?

Mr Grainger

I very much doubt it.

Captain Peacock

Mr. Humphries, did you write this note?

Mr Humphries

No, but thanks for the compliment.

Captain Peacock

Well, in view of those two denials, I can come to only one conclusion.

Mr Lucas

Shall I leave now or work till 5:30.

Captain Peacock

Yes, well, we'll leave the matter of your future in abeyance. What you will do is apologise to the ladies department for the distress you have caused.

Mr Lucas

Now?

Captain Peacock

Yes, now!

Mr Grainger

Yes, now!

Mr Humphries

Well, you came out of that very well.

Mr Lucas

But, at least it gives me a chance to get over there, and chat Shirley up, and ask her out.

Mr Humphries

If you fell in the dark, you'd come up with coal.

Mr Lucas

Are you free, Mrs. Slocombe?

Mrs Slocombe

At the moment, Mr. Lucas.

Mr Lucas

I'm... I'm afraid I've, I've been a bit of a naughty boy, Mrs. Slocombe.

Mrs Slocombe

Have you, Mr. Lucas? What have you been up to?

Mr Lucas

Well, you know that note that you thought came from Captain Peacock?

Mrs Slocombe

Yes.

Mr Lucas

Well, it was from me.

Mrs Slocombe

Well, I should've guessed all the time, shouldn't I?

Mr Lucas

What?

Mrs Slocombe

I've seen the way you've been looking at me!

Mr Lucas

What?

Mrs Slocombe

(in a sexy voice) But you're a very naughty boy, sending notes. You should've come across in the open and come out with it!

Mr Lucas

Should I?

Mrs Slocombe

You shouldn't be so shy. (in a sexy voice) You know, you're more attractive than you think.

Mr Lucas

Am I?

Mrs Slocombe

(checking her watch) Ooh, it's 5:30. Well, I'll just put my hat on and meet you outside! (in a sexy voice) Mind you, I'm not promising anything.

Mr Mash

Captain Stephen Peacock, RASC, C of E, hero of the Battle of Catterick NAAFI, holder of the Hot Cross Bun and Bar....

Captain Peacock

That will do, Mr. Mash. (Mr. Mash gives him a glass)

Mr Mash

Here you are, Captain.

Captain Peacock

Thank you.

Mr Mash

Hey, take it easy. We ain't got no reserves.

Good evening, I am Madame Trixie, and this is the Trixie trio.

Mr Rumbold

Welcome to Grace Brothers.

Ooh, champagne!

Mr Mash

Beer for the band's behind the piano. (Walks away)

Where do you want the orchestra?

Mr Rumbold

Uh, well over here, ladies, I think. By the, er, pianoforte.

Mrs Slocombe

[Drunk] Well, Captain Peacock, it looks as though we're going to be able to trip the tight lanfastic...

Captain Peacock

I beg your pardon?!

Mr Humphries

She wants you to rip her tight elastic.

Captain Peacock

Perhaps you'd better sit down, Mrs. Slocombe, we're starting in less than an hour.

Captain Peacock

It's young Mr. Grace.

Is that Young Mr. Grace?

Mr Grainger

Old Mr. Grace doesn't get about much.

Mr Rumbold

Good evening, Mr. Grace.

Young Mr Grace

I hope I'm not too late.

Captain Peacock

No you're not too late, Mr. Grace.

Mr Lucas

Nah, there's still plenty of cabinet pudding left, Mr. Grace.

Captain Peacock

I suppose he's come to hand over the clock.

Mr Rumbold

Yes, just in time. (Goes over to Mr. Humphries and Mr. Lucas) Ahem...

Mr Humphries

(Stands up) Ahem...

Mr Rumbold

Shall I continue, Mr. Grace.

Young Mr Grace

Oh, please do, Mr. Rumbold.

Mr Rumbold

Well, I was about to remark how very much we appreciate the long years of devoted service, the great consideration that you've always shown for all those with whom you have worked.

Mr Grainger

Thank you.

Young Mr Grace

Thank you.

Mr Rumbold

We... We feel... We definitely feel that after all these long years, you have truly earned a rest. And therefore all that remains... (Picks up the cuckoo clock) ...is for this to be presented. (Gives the clock to Young Mr. Grace) Here you are, sir.

Young Mr Grace

Oh, thank you. This is a surprise. How very nice of you all. I've given a lot of these away, but I've never got one. Well my doctor says I shouldn't be out, so I'm now going. (to Mr. Grainger) Another five years, and you'll be getting one of those, Ernest. (to the rest of the staff) Well, goodbye, all.

Goodbye, Mr. Grace.

Young Mr Grace

You've all done very well.

Thank you, Mr. Grace.

Captain Peacock

Well, Ernest, it looks as if you're staying on.

Mr Grainger

Yes, it does. Of course, I'm very happy about it, but I - I should have liked a bit more leisure. (Turns to Mr. Rumbold) Could I have Monday off?

Mr Rumbold

Certainly not.

Mr Lucas

Well if he's not leaving, he won't be needing his presents, will he? (Takes a present away)

Mr Mash

For...

(sing together) He's a jolly good fellow, for he's a jolly good fellow, for he's a jolly good fellow... and so say all of us!

Captain Peacock

These were taken on my holiday last year.

Mrs Slocombe

Oh, doesn't it look hot?

Captain Peacock

Oh you're right, yes. Yes, that's the worst of the desert.

Miss Brahms

Doesn't Mrs. Peacock look well?

Captain Peacock

Yes, she does, yes. We went back to Bessamachu, where we scored our first big victory.

Mrs Slocombe

Oh, that was where you had your honeymoon.

Captain Peacock

No. No, that was where... That was where we pushed Rommel back. Yes, I was dug in at this very spot for about seven whole days. It's a motel now, you know. Oh it was absolute hell, you know. The heat, the sun, flies, the sandstorms, the monotonous food.

Mrs Slocombe

Oh what you poor boys must have suffered.

Captain Peacock

No, that was last year at the motel.

Mr Rumbold

Hope I'm not interrupting anything, Captain Peacock.

Miss Brahms

No, he's just showing us his holiday pictures.

Mr Rumbold

Well, perhaps we could look at those after the store closes. Now, I'd like a word with everybody if you could get them to gather round.

Captain Peacock

Yes, of course, sir.

Mr Humphries

You're probably wondering why I'm walking like this, Captain Peacock; I've done my back in.

Captain Peacock

I hadn't noticed any difference.

Mr Grainger

This is a funny name for a sweater: Mit die Hände gewaschen.

Captain Peacock

That means: Wash by hand.

Mr Lucas

It's a good thing you parley the Deutsch, Captain Peacock.

Captain Peacock

I had to study it during the war, you know.

Mr Mash

Ausfahrt.

Captain Peacock

I beg your pardon?

Mr Mash

Ausfahrt. What's that mean, then?

Captain Peacock

The way out, Mr. Mash, and I suggest you take that one, as we open in a few moments.

Mrs Slocombe

I'm not selling German Sex Knickers.

Captain Peacock

Sechs is just the German word for six.

Miss Brahms

What do they use for sex?

Mr Mash

Same as they use everywhere else.

Mr Mash

Here you are Mrs. Slocombe, twelve bras.

Mrs Slocombe

I wonder what the German is for them... Bustenhalter? [Brahms pulls out a very large bra] Blimey, whatever size is that?

Miss Brahms

It says here clean.

Captain Peacock

Klein Miss Brahms, it means small.

Mrs Slocombe

They're well built, those German girls.

Mr Rumbold

Oh, Miss Thorpe, where's the maintenance file?"

You mean the one marked "Decoration"?

Mr Rumbold

Yes.

I filed it yesterday under "A".

Mr Rumbold

Under "A"?

Yes, I file most things under "A".

Mr Rumbold

I don't quite follow.

Well, A letter, A sales report, A customer's complaint.

Captain Peacock

A very difficult way of finding anything.