Miss Brahms quotes from Are You Being Served?

Miss Brahms

You know, your life isn't like Jackanory at all, it's more like Blue Peter.

Mrs Slocombe

Oh, is that the best you can do, Miss Brahms?

Miss Brahms

Well it's not my job, is it? I'll try again. (Presses a button and the lift doors close, but the lift itself malfunctions)

Mrs Slocombe

(from inside the lift) Oh, really.

Miss Brahms

Look, the girl who operates the lifts should be here to help us with the move.

Mrs Slocombe

Oh, never mind, come along. (Jumps down from the lift and Miss Brahms gives her the garment rack they have taken to the floor) Oh, Miss Brahms. Pull your skirt down.

Miss Brahms

But we're not open.

Mrs Slocombe

That may be, but now that we're sharing our department with gents outfitting, it might pay us to be a little more circumspect.

Mr Mash

Cor blimey! Women drivers.

Mrs Slocombe

That'll do, Mr. Mash. Instead of standing there making those sarcastic remarks, you could give us a hand.

Mr Mash

Middle-class cow! (Mrs. Slocombe glares at him as he pushes his trolley to the gents counter which is being manned by Mr. Humphries)

Mr Humphries

Having trouble with Mrs. Slocombe?

Mr Mash

All that woman's lib's gone to her head, mate!

Mr Humphries

Oh, I hope not. If she burns her bra, we'll have to call out the London Fire Brigade.

Mr Mash

Women's department. Who ever heard of a women's department on this floor? It's been men's ever since I was a boy.

Mr Humphries

That Mrs. Pankhurst's really started something.

Mr Mash

Well what are you gonna do about it, Mr. Humphries?

Mr Humphries

Well as a matter of fact, I was thinking of chaining myself to the lift gates.

Mr Mash

Eh? Kinky.

Mrs Slocombe

Why anyone would want to buy a women's magazine with a centerfold of a nude man is beyond me.

Miss Brahms

Well, I thought Burt Reynolds looked quite sexy.

Mrs Slocombe

Well, you couldn't see anything; his arm was in the way.

Mr Humphries

(from the mens' counter) He's picked it up.

Captain Peacock

Are you free, Mrs. Slocombe?

Mrs Slocombe

(going to her counter) At the moment, Captain Peacock.

Captain Peacock

Mrs. Slocombe, I mentioned your complaint to, uh, Mr. Granger, And he, on his part, also made a complaint, about the view of the ladies fitting room, from his department.

Mrs Slocombe

What was he complaining about? That he could see, or he couldn't?

Captain Peacock

Mrs. Slocombe, I, I don't think he's quite as broadminded, as we are. (Gives the note to Mrs. Slocombe) Oh, do something about that, will you? (Goes back to the middle of the floor)

Miss Brahms

What have you got there?

Mrs Slocombe

It's a bit of paper. Captain Peacock gave it to me. (Opens up the note) Ooh, it's a note! Pass me glasses, Miss Brahms. (Miss Brahms gives her some glasses and Mrs. Slocombe starts reading the note) "Dear Sexy Knickers, I don't half-fancy you. Meet me outside at 5:30, and we'll get it together." Get what, well, really?

Miss Brahms

I didn't think you had sexy knickers.

Mrs Slocombe

As a matter of fact, they're Directoire. Some men get quite worked up about them, you know.

Miss Brahms

[On telephone, thinking she's speaking with Peacock] If I have anymore of your ol' guff, I'll have you on the carpet.

Mr Grainger

[Hanging up, dumbstruck] Some lady wants to have me on the carpet.

Miss Brahms

What's on?

Mr Lucas

Well, there's Bambi in Studio Two, then around the corner there's The Unsatisfied Virgin... I've seen Bambi.

Mr Mash

There we are Miss Brahms.

Miss Brahms

Oh, no thank you, I don't wear them. I don't like the rough material on my skin.

Mrs Slocombe

You will wear pyjamas tonight, Miss Brahms! Suppose there was a fire and you had no clothes on?

Miss Brahms

Oooh, I'd be first to get rescued!

Captain Peacock

These were taken on my holiday last year.

Mrs Slocombe

Oh, doesn't it look hot?

Captain Peacock

Oh you're right, yes. Yes, that's the worst of the desert.

Miss Brahms

Doesn't Mrs. Peacock look well?

Captain Peacock

Yes, she does, yes. We went back to Bessamachu, where we scored our first big victory.

Mrs Slocombe

Oh, that was where you had your honeymoon.

Captain Peacock

No. No, that was where... That was where we pushed Rommel back. Yes, I was dug in at this very spot for about seven whole days. It's a motel now, you know. Oh it was absolute hell, you know. The heat, the sun, flies, the sandstorms, the monotonous food.

Mrs Slocombe

Oh what you poor boys must have suffered.

Captain Peacock

No, that was last year at the motel.

Mr Rumbold

Hope I'm not interrupting anything, Captain Peacock.

Miss Brahms

No, he's just showing us his holiday pictures.

Mr Rumbold

Well, perhaps we could look at those after the store closes. Now, I'd like a word with everybody if you could get them to gather round.

Captain Peacock

Yes, of course, sir.

Miss Brahms

You ready?

Mrs Slocombe

No, no I can nip it in a bit more yet. [Breathes in] Now! [Brahms checks tape measure] What is it?

Miss Brahms

77

Mrs Slocombe

Oh, don't it sound a lot in metric?

Miss Brahms

Yes, well you've put on four whatever-they-ares.

Mrs Slocombe

Centipedes, Miss Brahms.

Miss Brahms

Well it's either that or take him with me mum's washings to the launderette.

Mr Lucas

I'm not going there again. I've seen more of your mother's underwear there than I have of yours.

Mrs Slocombe

You know, there's only two things I like about Germany: Curt Jurgens and Gorgonzola."

Miss Brahms

Gorgonzola isn't German!

Mrs Slocombe

Oh. Then there's only one thing I like... No! I tell a lie. I like Irving Berlin!

Mrs Slocombe

I'm not selling German Sex Knickers.

Captain Peacock

Sechs is just the German word for six.

Miss Brahms

What do they use for sex?

Mr Mash

Same as they use everywhere else.

Mr Mash

Here you are Mrs. Slocombe, twelve bras.

Mrs Slocombe

I wonder what the German is for them... Bustenhalter? [Brahms pulls out a very large bra] Blimey, whatever size is that?

Miss Brahms

It says here clean.

Captain Peacock

Klein Miss Brahms, it means small.

Mrs Slocombe

They're well built, those German girls.

Mrs Slocombe

I do not respond to waves."

Miss Brahms

What about that man you met on your holiday?

Mrs Slocombe

Ah, that was different; he was waving from his yacht!

Mr Lucas

It slipped right down, Mr Harman!

Mr Harman

Well it can't have gone that far, tell her to speak up a bit, and try and get Captain Peacock on the same mic...

Miss Brahms

What if he shouted up her skirt?

Mrs Slocombe

[Angrily] No one is shouting up my skirt, saying they recognize the face!