Mr RumboldI always think there is a reason for poor performance. Now, a happy salesman is a good salesman. And you don't look happy, Mr Lucas. I think if you could smile more, that would help.
Well, I'm sorry if I haven't been smiling enough, Mr Rumbold.
Mr Rumbold
Well, there must be a reason. Are you, um... And I don't wish to pry, but are you, um... Are you unhappy at home?
Ah... Yes! That could very well be it, yes!
Mr Rumbold
Now we're getting somewhere, sit down and tell me about it.
Thank you, yes. [Sits at Rumbold's desk. Rumbold sits in the chair opposite) It's my environment you see, sir. You see, I've only got this one shabby little room.
Mr Rumbold
In Highgate, isn't it?
Yes, yes, very poor part of Highgate mind, I mean... And ever since we took in that Asian to help make ends meet, well... The strain has been too much for my crippled mother and she's had to give up her job at the skating rink. Taking the tickets.
Mr Rumbold
I had no idea!
Yes... Well... [Pretending to hold back tears] What with that, and the fact that the... The cat's got asthma and has been coughing all night. What with all that and also the fact that we have to cook on a broken old gas ring, well... There are days when somehow, life seems to have lost its magic. And particularly since we had an eviction note this morning! But as you suggest, Mr Rumbold, I will do my best and try and smile a bit more.
Mr Rumbold
[Blows nose] This really is a terrible story!
[Madame Trixie introduces herself to Captain Peacock and Mr. Rumbold]
MTMadame Trixie
Good evening, I am Madame Trixie, and this is the Trixie trio.
Mr Rumbold
Welcome to Grace Brothers.
MTMadame Trixie
Ooh, champagne!
Beer for the band's behind the piano. (Walks away)
MTMadame Trixie
Where do you want the orchestra?
Mr Rumbold
Uh, well over here, ladies, I think. By the, er, pianoforte.
[Drunk] Well, Captain Peacock, it looks as though we're going to be able to trip the tight lanfastic...
She wants you to rip her tight elastic.
Perhaps you'd better sit down, Mrs. Slocombe, we're starting in less than an hour.
[Young Mr. Grace arrives in the left lift]
GMrs Grainger
Is that Young Mr. Grace?
Old Mr. Grace doesn't get about much.
Mr Rumbold
Good evening, Mr. Grace.
No you're not too late, Mr. Grace.
Nah, there's still plenty of cabinet pudding left, Mr. Grace.
I suppose he's come to hand over the clock.
Mr Rumbold
Yes, just in time. (Goes over to Mr. Humphries and Mr. Lucas) Ahem...
[Mr. Lucas stands up while Mr. Rumbold and Mr. Humphries sit down. Mr. Lucas goes to the counter, picks up something and sits on it]
Mr Rumbold
Shall I continue, Mr. Grace.
Oh, please do, Mr. Rumbold.
Mr Rumbold
Well, I was about to remark how very much we appreciate the long years of devoted service, the great consideration that you've always shown for all those with whom you have worked.
Mr Rumbold
We... We feel... We definitely feel that after all these long years, you have truly earned a rest. And therefore all that remains... (Picks up the cuckoo clock) ...is for this to be presented. (Gives the clock to Young Mr. Grace) Here you are, sir.
Oh, thank you. This is a surprise. How very nice of you all. I've given a lot of these away, but I've never got one. Well my doctor says I shouldn't be out, so I'm now going. (to Mr. Grainger) Another five years, and you'll be getting one of those, Ernest. (to the rest of the staff) Well, goodbye, all.
SStaff
Goodbye, Mr. Grace.
You've all done very well.
SStaff
Thank you, Mr. Grace.
[As Young Mr. Grace leaves, the staff sit back down at the table]
Well, Ernest, it looks as if you're staying on.
Yes, it does. Of course, I'm very happy about it, but I - I should have liked a bit more leisure. (Turns to Mr. Rumbold) Could I have Monday off?
Mr Rumbold
Certainly not.
Well if he's not leaving, he won't be needing his presents, will he? (Takes a present away)
[Mr. Mash arrives with a big cake]
SStaff
(sing together) He's a jolly good fellow, for he's a jolly good fellow, for he's a jolly good fellow... and so say all of us!
[Captain Peacock is showing the ladies some photographs in the ladies department]
These were taken on my holiday last year.
Oh you're right, yes. Yes, that's the worst of the desert.
Doesn't Mrs. Peacock look well?
Yes, she does, yes. We went back to Bessamachu, where we scored our first big victory.
Oh, that was where you had your honeymoon.
No. No, that was where... That was where we pushed Rommel back. Yes, I was dug in at this very spot for about seven whole days. It's a motel now, you know. Oh it was absolute hell, you know. The heat, the sun, flies, the sandstorms, the monotonous food.
Oh what you poor boys must have suffered.
No, that was last year at the motel.
[Mr Rumbold arrives]
Mr Rumbold
Hope I'm not interrupting anything, Captain Peacock.
No, he's just showing us his holiday pictures.
Mr Rumbold
Well, perhaps we could look at those after the store closes. Now, I'd like a word with everybody if you could get them to gather round.
Mr Rumbold
Oh, Miss Thorpe, where's the maintenance file?"
TMiss Thorpe
You mean the one marked "Decoration"?
Mr Rumbold
Yes.
TMiss Thorpe
I filed it yesterday under "A".
Mr Rumbold
Under "A"?
TMiss Thorpe
Yes, I file most things under "A".
Mr Rumbold
I don't quite follow.
TMiss Thorpe
Well, A letter, A sales report, A customer's complaint.
A very difficult way of finding anything.
Mr Rumbold
Let's see how that sounds. Happy birthday, dear Uh-Uh-Uh-Uh.
Sounds like a bad attack of indigestion.
"What are we going to sing now? Uh, Uh-Uh, Uh-Uh-Uh or Uh-Uh-Uh-Uh?"
Mr Rumbold
Uh...
Mr Rumbold
No, we'll have two Uhs.
I entirely agree! To Uh-Uh is human.
[Mr. Rumbold is suggesting which shareholders each person should impersonate]
Mr Rumbold
There's Jeffrey Longman. He is 28, broad-shouldered, 6 foot 2, blond haired, blue eyed, wealthy yacht owner.
Ooh, I like the sound of that!
I know, I just like the sound of it.
Mr Rumbold
Oh, this chap's quite a large shareholder. [He's a] professional dancer.
Oh, Mr. Humphries does a bit of dancing. Don't you, Mr. Humphries?
Oh yes. The word "versatile" has been applied to me before. [Begins to dance]
Mr Rumbold
I must stop you; he's only got one leg. And he is from Nigeria. Could you play a one-legged, Nigerian tap-dancer?
Not with any degree of sincerity, no.
BMiss Belfridge
Mr. Rumbold, I must speak to you. There's a man in a blue overcoat looking through the window in your office.
Mr Rumbold
Well what's so strange about that?
BMiss Belfridge
He's outside and we're on the fourth floor.
Mr Rumbold
Good heavens!
[Both of them rush into his office]
Huh, bet they're paying her out for the electricity bill.
[Realising who Miss Belfridge is talking about] Blue overcoat?
Ooh, he's never climbed that drainpipe.
[Mock surprise] Ooh, not in those trousers.
Are You Being Served? · 106 quotes
