Mr Lucas quotes from Are You Being Served?

Mr Lucas

Can we all go home then?

Captain Peacock

Good morning, Mr. Lucas.

Mr Lucas

(stands up) Oh, sorry.

Captain Peacock

Am I to understand that you have deserted gentlemen's ready made in favour of the ladies?

Mr Lucas

Well I'm just giving a helping hand, sir.

Captain Peacock

Well I'm glad to see that the arrival of the ladies in your territory hasn't caused any bad blood.

Mr Lucas

Oh no, not from me Captain Peacock.

Captain Peacock

Mmmm. One wonders whether the arrival of, er, gentlemen's shoes, for instance, would have been treated with the same enthusiasm.

Mrs Slocombe

Mr. Lucas is doing his best to make us feel at home, Captain Peacock, which is more than can be said for the rest of the department.

Captain Peacock

Well just a passing phase, Mrs. Slocombe. With your personality, I'm sure you could charm the very birds off the trees.

Mrs Slocombe

Oh, oh I wouldn't say that.

Mr Lucas

Neither would I.

Captain Peacock

And, Lucas, while you're down there, straighten those seams. I hate to see crooked seams.

Mr Lucas

Yes, Mr. Peacock.

Captain Peacock

Hm?

Mr Lucas

Captain Peacock. (Salutes to Captain Peacock and then gets back to work, but he accidentally touches the legs of Mrs. Slocombe)

Mrs Slocombe

No!

Mr Lucas

I'm-I'm sorry, Mrs. Slocombe, Captain Peacock told me to do it. I mean straighten them, I mean. Not yours, the dummies.

Mr Humphries

Griffin wants you.

Mr Lucas

Yes thank you. (to Mrs. Slocombe) I'm so sorry.

Captain Peacock

Tie, Mr. Lucas.

Mr Lucas

Ah, yes, of course, Captain Peacock. Anything in particular, sir?

Captain Peacock

Straighten your tie, Mr. Lucas.

Mr Lucas

[understanding what Captain Peacock was referring to] Oh. Yes, sir.

Captain Peacock

One pencil is sufficient.

Mr Lucas

Uh, yes, Captain Peacock. Shall I keep the HB or the special soft?

Captain Peacock

If you were troubled to read the memo from the accounts department, you would know that they prefer ball points. Correct, Mr. Humphries?

Mr Humphries

Ball points, Captain Peacock.

Mr Lucas

Actually, I did have a ball point, but I was always getting ticked off, because then I'd-I-I kept getting blue streaks on me white handkerchief, you see.

Captain Peacock

Well, possibly... a retractable pen would solve your problems?

Mr Lucas

Oh, that's very nice, sir.

Captain Peacock

You can get them from the stationery. You get a staff discount.

Mr Lucas

Yes, sir.

Captain Peacock

And by the way, about that handkerchief... may I show you how we do it at Grace Brothers? We don't just, uh... take it from the laundry, fold it, and stuff it in.

Mr Lucas

Don't we?

Captain Peacock

NO.

Mr Lucas

What do we do? Oh, excuse me...

Captain Peacock

Don't interrupt. We place it, so. We then take it in the middle, like so. We flute it, so. We bend it over the bottom, so... and tuck it back, so. The effect is casual but smart.

Mr Lucas

It sets the pen off nicely, too.

Captain Peacock

Yes, I shall find out who wrote this. And you know me, Mrs. Slocombe, I don't rest, until I get to the bottom of things.

Mr Humphries

Glass of water, glass of water for Mr. Granger.

Mr Lucas

But he hasn't asked for a glass of water.

Mr Humphries

He will!

Captain Peacock

Are you free, Mr. Grainger?

Mr Grainger

Yes, I'm free, Captain Peacock.

Captain Peacock

Mr. Humphries?

Mr Humphries

Yes, I'm free, Captain Peacock.

Captain Peacock

Is Mr. Lucas free?

Mr Humphries

I think he's going to be free for a very long time.

Captain Peacock

Now, Lucas. Now, I have here, a billhead from this department, on which is written. (Reads the note thrown by Mr. Lucas to Miss Brahms) "Dear Sexy Knickers: I don't half fancy you. Meet me outside at half-past five and we'll get it together." (Mr. Lucas drinks a glass of water) Now then, it is my duty as head of this department to ask each one of you if you wrote this note. (to Mr. Grainger) Mr. Grainger, did you write this note?

Mr Grainger

I don't even understand it!

Mr Humphries

Mr. Grainger wouldn't say, "Dear Sexy Knickers", you'd say, "Dear Sexy Bloomers", wouldn't you?

Mr Grainger

I very much doubt it.

Captain Peacock

Mr. Humphries, did you write this note?

Mr Humphries

No, but thanks for the compliment.

Captain Peacock

Well, in view of those two denials, I can come to only one conclusion.

Mr Lucas

Shall I leave now or work till 5:30.

Captain Peacock

Yes, well, we'll leave the matter of your future in abeyance. What you will do is apologise to the ladies department for the distress you have caused.

Mr Lucas

Now?

Captain Peacock

Yes, now!

Mr Grainger

Yes, now!

Mr Humphries

Well, you came out of that very well.

Mr Lucas

But, at least it gives me a chance to get over there, and chat Shirley up, and ask her out.

Mr Humphries

If you fell in the dark, you'd come up with coal.

Mr Lucas

Are you free, Mrs. Slocombe?

Mrs Slocombe

At the moment, Mr. Lucas.

Mr Lucas

I'm... I'm afraid I've, I've been a bit of a naughty boy, Mrs. Slocombe.

Mrs Slocombe

Have you, Mr. Lucas? What have you been up to?

Mr Lucas

Well, you know that note that you thought came from Captain Peacock?

Mrs Slocombe

Yes.

Mr Lucas

Well, it was from me.

Mrs Slocombe

Well, I should've guessed all the time, shouldn't I?

Mr Lucas

What?

Mrs Slocombe

I've seen the way you've been looking at me!

Mr Lucas

What?

Mrs Slocombe

(in a sexy voice) But you're a very naughty boy, sending notes. You should've come across in the open and come out with it!

Mr Lucas

Should I?

Mrs Slocombe

You shouldn't be so shy. (in a sexy voice) You know, you're more attractive than you think.

Mr Lucas

Am I?

Mrs Slocombe

(checking her watch) Ooh, it's 5:30. Well, I'll just put my hat on and meet you outside! (in a sexy voice) Mind you, I'm not promising anything.

Miss Brahms

What's on?

Mr Lucas

Well, there's Bambi in Studio Two, then around the corner there's The Unsatisfied Virgin... I've seen Bambi.

Mr Rumbold

I always think there is a reason for poor performance. Now, a happy salesman is a good salesman. And you don't look happy, Mr Lucas. I think if you could smile more, that would help.

Mr Lucas

Well, I'm sorry if I haven't been smiling enough, Mr Rumbold.

Mr Rumbold

Well, there must be a reason. Are you, um... And I don't wish to pry, but are you, um... Are you unhappy at home?

Mr Lucas

Ah... Yes! That could very well be it, yes!

Mr Rumbold

Now we're getting somewhere, sit down and tell me about it.

Mr Lucas

Thank you, yes. [Sits at Rumbold's desk. Rumbold sits in the chair opposite) It's my environment you see, sir. You see, I've only got this one shabby little room.

Mr Rumbold

In Highgate, isn't it?

Mr Lucas

Yes, yes, very poor part of Highgate mind, I mean... And ever since we took in that Asian to help make ends meet, well... The strain has been too much for my crippled mother and she's had to give up her job at the skating rink. Taking the tickets.

Mr Rumbold

I had no idea!

Mr Lucas

Yes... Well... [Pretending to hold back tears] What with that, and the fact that the... The cat's got asthma and has been coughing all night. What with all that and also the fact that we have to cook on a broken old gas ring, well... There are days when somehow, life seems to have lost its magic. And particularly since we had an eviction note this morning! But as you suggest, Mr Rumbold, I will do my best and try and smile a bit more.

Mr Rumbold

[Blows nose] This really is a terrible story!

Mr Lucas

[Surprised] Is it?!

Mrs Slocombe

Yes well, I met my husband in a German air raid. His face was lit from an incoming incendiary. He threw me flat on me face and said: "Look out, here comes a big one!".

Mr Lucas

They didn't have much time for chatting in those days.

Captain Peacock

It's young Mr. Grace.

Is that Young Mr. Grace?

Mr Grainger

Old Mr. Grace doesn't get about much.

Mr Rumbold

Good evening, Mr. Grace.

Young Mr Grace

I hope I'm not too late.

Captain Peacock

No you're not too late, Mr. Grace.

Mr Lucas

Nah, there's still plenty of cabinet pudding left, Mr. Grace.

Captain Peacock

I suppose he's come to hand over the clock.

Mr Rumbold

Yes, just in time. (Goes over to Mr. Humphries and Mr. Lucas) Ahem...

Mr Humphries

(Stands up) Ahem...

Mr Rumbold

Shall I continue, Mr. Grace.

Young Mr Grace

Oh, please do, Mr. Rumbold.

Mr Rumbold

Well, I was about to remark how very much we appreciate the long years of devoted service, the great consideration that you've always shown for all those with whom you have worked.

Mr Grainger

Thank you.

Young Mr Grace

Thank you.

Mr Rumbold

We... We feel... We definitely feel that after all these long years, you have truly earned a rest. And therefore all that remains... (Picks up the cuckoo clock) ...is for this to be presented. (Gives the clock to Young Mr. Grace) Here you are, sir.

Young Mr Grace

Oh, thank you. This is a surprise. How very nice of you all. I've given a lot of these away, but I've never got one. Well my doctor says I shouldn't be out, so I'm now going. (to Mr. Grainger) Another five years, and you'll be getting one of those, Ernest. (to the rest of the staff) Well, goodbye, all.

Goodbye, Mr. Grace.

Young Mr Grace

You've all done very well.

Thank you, Mr. Grace.

Captain Peacock

Well, Ernest, it looks as if you're staying on.

Mr Grainger

Yes, it does. Of course, I'm very happy about it, but I - I should have liked a bit more leisure. (Turns to Mr. Rumbold) Could I have Monday off?

Mr Rumbold

Certainly not.

Mr Lucas

Well if he's not leaving, he won't be needing his presents, will he? (Takes a present away)

Mr Mash

For...

(sing together) He's a jolly good fellow, for he's a jolly good fellow, for he's a jolly good fellow... and so say all of us!

Miss Brahms

Well it's either that or take him with me mum's washings to the launderette.

Mr Lucas

I'm not going there again. I've seen more of your mother's underwear there than I have of yours.

Mrs Slocombe

Some of us have long memories, you know – I haven't forgotten being flung flat on me back on Clapham Common by a landmine. And the German Air Force was responsible!

Mr Lucas

All the other times she was flat on her back, the American Air Force was responsible.

Mr Grainger

I can't wait more than ten minutes because I'm having a bath tonight.

Mr Humphries

Oh, it's treats!

Mr Grainger

Well, I can't get the old boiler working very often.

Mr Lucas

Having a bath with Mrs. Grainger, are you?

Mr Grainger

I don't find that amusing!

Mr Lucas

Come to think of it, neither would I.

Mr Lucas

Here, listen to this, you'll never guess what the German for "cuff links" is.

Mr Humphries

What?

Mr Lucas

Manschettenknopf.

Mr Humphries

I don't expect they'll sell any with a name like that.

Mr Grainger

This is a funny name for a sweater: Mit die Hände gewaschen.

Captain Peacock

That means: Wash by hand.

Mr Lucas

It's a good thing you parley the Deutsch, Captain Peacock.

Captain Peacock

I had to study it during the war, you know.

Mr Humphries

We'll do your inside leg. [Aside, to Lucas] This should be fun.

Mr Lucas

You ought to be careful. You know it's an offense to make dirty phone calls.

Mr Lucas

You nearly got me the sack then.

Mrs Slocombe

You should have been put in one at birth.