[First lines. The opening shot is in the gents department at Grace Brothers Department Store. The camera travels across to the lift on the right. The lift doors open with two women inside, Mrs. Betty Slocombe and Miss Shirley Brahms]
Oh, is that the best you can do, Miss Brahms?
Well it's not my job, is it? I'll try again. (Presses a button and the lift doors close, but the lift itself malfunctions)
(from inside the lift) Oh, really.
[The doors open again and the two ladies realise they are in the same position]
Look, the girl who operates the lifts should be here to help us with the move.
Oh, never mind, come along. (Jumps down from the lift and Miss Brahms gives her the garment rack they have taken to the floor) Oh, Miss Brahms. Pull your skirt down.
That may be, but now that we're sharing our department with gents outfitting, it might pay us to be a little more circumspect.
[But then, Mrs. Slocombe pulls the garment rack into a trolley which is being pushed by Mr. Mash, a maintenance man who works at Grace Brothers]
Cor blimey! Women drivers.
That'll do, Mr. Mash. Instead of standing there making those sarcastic remarks, you could give us a hand.
Middle-class cow! (Mrs. Slocombe glares at him as he pushes his trolley to the gents counter which is being manned by Mr. Humphries)
Having trouble with Mrs. Slocombe?
All that woman's lib's gone to her head, mate!
Oh, I hope not. If she burns her bra, we'll have to call out the London Fire Brigade.
Women's department. Who ever heard of a women's department on this floor? It's been men's ever since I was a boy.
That Mrs. Pankhurst's really started something.
Well what are you gonna do about it, Mr. Humphries?
Well as a matter of fact, I was thinking of chaining myself to the lift gates.
[Mr. Lucas is busy cleaning the dummy lady's shoe when somebody in black shoes approaches him]
[We see that the man in black shoes is Captain Stephen Peacock, the floorwalker]
Am I to understand that you have deserted gentlemen's ready made in favour of the ladies?
Well I'm just giving a helping hand, sir.
Well I'm glad to see that the arrival of the ladies in your territory hasn't caused any bad blood.
Oh no, not from me Captain Peacock.
Mmmm. One wonders whether the arrival of, er, gentlemen's shoes, for instance, would have been treated with the same enthusiasm.
Mr. Lucas is doing his best to make us feel at home, Captain Peacock, which is more than can be said for the rest of the department.
Well just a passing phase, Mrs. Slocombe. With your personality, I'm sure you could charm the very birds off the trees.
Oh, oh I wouldn't say that.
And, Lucas, while you're down there, straighten those seams. I hate to see crooked seams.
Captain Peacock. (Salutes to Captain Peacock and then gets back to work, but he accidentally touches the legs of Mrs. Slocombe)
I'm-I'm sorry, Mrs. Slocombe, Captain Peacock told me to do it. I mean straighten them, I mean. Not yours, the dummies.
Yes thank you. (to Mrs. Slocombe) I'm so sorry.
Ah, yes, of course, Captain Peacock. Anything in particular, sir?
Straighten your tie, Mr. Lucas.
[understanding what Captain Peacock was referring to] Oh. Yes, sir.
One pencil is sufficient.
Uh, yes, Captain Peacock. Shall I keep the HB or the special soft?
If you were troubled to read the memo from the accounts department, you would know that they prefer ball points. Correct, Mr. Humphries?
Ball points, Captain Peacock.
Actually, I did have a ball point, but I was always getting ticked off, because then I'd-I-I kept getting blue streaks on me white handkerchief, you see.
Well, possibly... a retractable pen would solve your problems?
Oh, that's very nice, sir.
You can get them from the stationery. You get a staff discount.
And by the way, about that handkerchief... may I show you how we do it at Grace Brothers? We don't just, uh... take it from the laundry, fold it, and stuff it in.
What do we do? Oh, excuse me...
Don't interrupt. We place it, so. We then take it in the middle, like so. We flute it, so. We bend it over the bottom, so... and tuck it back, so. The effect is casual but smart.
It sets the pen off nicely, too.
[Captain Peacock picks up the note in front of the ladies' counter]
(from the mens' counter) He's picked it up.
Are you free, Mrs. Slocombe?
(going to her counter) At the moment, Captain Peacock.
Mrs. Slocombe, I mentioned your complaint to, uh, Mr. Granger, And he, on his part, also made a complaint, about the view of the ladies fitting room, from his department.
What was he complaining about? That he could see, or he couldn't?
Mrs. Slocombe, I, I don't think he's quite as broadminded, as we are. (Gives the note to Mrs. Slocombe) Oh, do something about that, will you? (Goes back to the middle of the floor)
It's a bit of paper. Captain Peacock gave it to me. (Opens up the note) Ooh, it's a note! Pass me glasses, Miss Brahms. (Miss Brahms gives her some glasses and Mrs. Slocombe starts reading the note) "Dear Sexy Knickers, I don't half-fancy you. Meet me outside at 5:30, and we'll get it together." Get what, well, really?
I didn't think you had sexy knickers.
As a matter of fact, they're Directoire. Some men get quite worked up about them, you know.
Yes, I shall find out who wrote this. And you know me, Mrs. Slocombe, I don't rest, until I get to the bottom of things.
Glass of water, glass of water for Mr. Granger.
But he hasn't asked for a glass of water.
Are you free, Mr. Grainger?
Yes, I'm free, Captain Peacock.
Yes, I'm free, Captain Peacock.
I think he's going to be free for a very long time.
Now, Lucas. Now, I have here, a billhead from this department, on which is written. (Reads the note thrown by Mr. Lucas to Miss Brahms) "Dear Sexy Knickers: I don't half fancy you. Meet me outside at half-past five and we'll get it together." (Mr. Lucas drinks a glass of water) Now then, it is my duty as head of this department to ask each one of you if you wrote this note. (to Mr. Grainger) Mr. Grainger, did you write this note?
I don't even understand it!
Mr. Grainger wouldn't say, "Dear Sexy Knickers", you'd say, "Dear Sexy Bloomers", wouldn't you?
Mr. Humphries, did you write this note?
No, but thanks for the compliment.
Well, in view of those two denials, I can come to only one conclusion.
Shall I leave now or work till 5:30.
Yes, well, we'll leave the matter of your future in abeyance. What you will do is apologise to the ladies department for the distress you have caused.
Well, you came out of that very well.
But, at least it gives me a chance to get over there, and chat Shirley up, and ask her out.
If you fell in the dark, you'd come up with coal.
[Mr Lucas walks over to the the ladies department and pulls a funny face]
Are you free, Mrs. Slocombe?
At the moment, Mr. Lucas.
I'm... I'm afraid I've, I've been a bit of a naughty boy, Mrs. Slocombe.
Have you, Mr. Lucas? What have you been up to?
Well, you know that note that you thought came from Captain Peacock?
Well, I should've guessed all the time, shouldn't I?
I've seen the way you've been looking at me!
(in a sexy voice) But you're a very naughty boy, sending notes. You should've come across in the open and come out with it!
You shouldn't be so shy. (in a sexy voice) You know, you're more attractive than you think.
(checking her watch) Ooh, it's 5:30. Well, I'll just put my hat on and meet you outside! (in a sexy voice) Mind you, I'm not promising anything.
I always think there is a reason for poor performance. Now, a happy salesman is a good salesman. And you don't look happy, Mr Lucas. I think if you could smile more, that would help.
Well, I'm sorry if I haven't been smiling enough, Mr Rumbold.
Well, there must be a reason. Are you, um... And I don't wish to pry, but are you, um... Are you unhappy at home?
Ah... Yes! That could very well be it, yes!
Now we're getting somewhere, sit down and tell me about it.
Thank you, yes. [Sits at Rumbold's desk. Rumbold sits in the chair opposite) It's my environment you see, sir. You see, I've only got this one shabby little room.
Yes, yes, very poor part of Highgate mind, I mean... And ever since we took in that Asian to help make ends meet, well... The strain has been too much for my crippled mother and she's had to give up her job at the skating rink. Taking the tickets.
Yes... Well... [Pretending to hold back tears] What with that, and the fact that the... The cat's got asthma and has been coughing all night. What with all that and also the fact that we have to cook on a broken old gas ring, well... There are days when somehow, life seems to have lost its magic. And particularly since we had an eviction note this morning! But as you suggest, Mr Rumbold, I will do my best and try and smile a bit more.
[Blows nose] This really is a terrible story!
[Mr Mash brings round pyjamas]
There we are Miss Brahms.
Oh, no thank you, I don't wear them. I don't like the rough material on my skin.
You will wear pyjamas tonight, Miss Brahms! Suppose there was a fire and you had no clothes on?
Oooh, I'd be first to get rescued!
[Captain Peacock arrives in the lift wearing a suit and bow tie]
Captain Stephen Peacock, RASC, C of E, hero of the Battle of Catterick NAAFI, holder of the Hot Cross Bun and Bar....
That will do, Mr. Mash. (Mr. Mash gives him a glass)
Hey, take it easy. We ain't got no reserves.
[Madame Trixie introduces herself to Captain Peacock and Mr. Rumbold]
MTMadame Trixie
Good evening, I am Madame Trixie, and this is the Trixie trio.
Welcome to Grace Brothers.
MTMadame Trixie
Ooh, champagne!
Beer for the band's behind the piano. (Walks away)
MTMadame Trixie
Where do you want the orchestra?
Uh, well over here, ladies, I think. By the, er, pianoforte.
[Drunk] Well, Captain Peacock, it looks as though we're going to be able to trip the tight lanfastic...
She wants you to rip her tight elastic.
Perhaps you'd better sit down, Mrs. Slocombe, we're starting in less than an hour.
[Young Mr. Grace arrives in the left lift]
GMrs Grainger
Is that Young Mr. Grace?
Old Mr. Grace doesn't get about much.
No you're not too late, Mr. Grace.
Nah, there's still plenty of cabinet pudding left, Mr. Grace.
I suppose he's come to hand over the clock.
Yes, just in time. (Goes over to Mr. Humphries and Mr. Lucas) Ahem...
[Mr. Lucas stands up while Mr. Rumbold and Mr. Humphries sit down. Mr. Lucas goes to the counter, picks up something and sits on it]
Shall I continue, Mr. Grace.
Oh, please do, Mr. Rumbold.
Well, I was about to remark how very much we appreciate the long years of devoted service, the great consideration that you've always shown for all those with whom you have worked.
We... We feel... We definitely feel that after all these long years, you have truly earned a rest. And therefore all that remains... (Picks up the cuckoo clock) ...is for this to be presented. (Gives the clock to Young Mr. Grace) Here you are, sir.
Oh, thank you. This is a surprise. How very nice of you all. I've given a lot of these away, but I've never got one. Well my doctor says I shouldn't be out, so I'm now going. (to Mr. Grainger) Another five years, and you'll be getting one of those, Ernest. (to the rest of the staff) Well, goodbye, all.
SStaff
Goodbye, Mr. Grace.
You've all done very well.
SStaff
Thank you, Mr. Grace.
[As Young Mr. Grace leaves, the staff sit back down at the table]
Well, Ernest, it looks as if you're staying on.
Yes, it does. Of course, I'm very happy about it, but I - I should have liked a bit more leisure. (Turns to Mr. Rumbold) Could I have Monday off?
Well if he's not leaving, he won't be needing his presents, will he? (Takes a present away)
[Mr. Mash arrives with a big cake]
SStaff
(sing together) He's a jolly good fellow, for he's a jolly good fellow, for he's a jolly good fellow... and so say all of us!
[Captain Peacock is showing the ladies some photographs in the ladies department]
These were taken on my holiday last year.
Oh you're right, yes. Yes, that's the worst of the desert.
Doesn't Mrs. Peacock look well?
Yes, she does, yes. We went back to Bessamachu, where we scored our first big victory.
Oh, that was where you had your honeymoon.
No. No, that was where... That was where we pushed Rommel back. Yes, I was dug in at this very spot for about seven whole days. It's a motel now, you know. Oh it was absolute hell, you know. The heat, the sun, flies, the sandstorms, the monotonous food.
Oh what you poor boys must have suffered.
No, that was last year at the motel.
[Mr Rumbold arrives]
Hope I'm not interrupting anything, Captain Peacock.
No, he's just showing us his holiday pictures.
Well, perhaps we could look at those after the store closes. Now, I'd like a word with everybody if you could get them to gather round.
