Mr Humphries quotes from Are You Being Served?

Mr Lucas

Here, listen to this, you'll never guess what the German for "cuff links" is.

Mr Humphries

What?

Mr Lucas

Manschettenknopf.

Mr Humphries

I don't expect they'll sell any with a name like that.

Mr Humphries

We'll do your inside leg. [Aside, to Lucas] This should be fun.

Mr Lucas

You ought to be careful. You know it's an offense to make dirty phone calls.

Mrs Slocombe

Captain Peacock, would you use your senior position to tell Mr. Lucas to shut his cake hole?!

Captain Peacock

Mr. Lucas, you are not indispensable. There are many young men who would bend over backwards to get into Grace Brothers.

Mr Humphries

That's one of the qualifications.

Mr Humphries

This sweater is half man-made wool, half polyester fiber.

Surely that's man-made as well.

Mr Humphries

Ah, yes, but it's made by different men.

Shall I or shan't I? Should I or shouldn't I?

Mr Lucas

Is he or isn't he?

Mr Humphries

I don't know, but I'd think it'd help if there was a rush.

Mr Lucas

Mrs. Slocombe wants to know if she can borrow a couple of pairs of socks to stuff down her bra.

Mr Humphries

She's not going to talk to those workmen again, is she?

Mr Rumbold

These aspirins don't seem to be doing any good at all.

Mr Humphries

Perhaps you need an icepack?

Mrs Slocombe

How about having a woman?

Mr Lucas

No, I think he's better to stick to the aspirins.

One for them and one for us, one for them and one for us, one for them and one for us. [Arab man holds up knife threateningly] All for them and none for us, all for them and none for us.

Mr Humphries

[Mr. Rumbold is suggesting which shareholders each person should impersonate]

Mr Rumbold

There's Jeffrey Longman. He is 28, broad-shouldered, 6 foot 2, blond haired, blue eyed, wealthy yacht owner.

Mr Humphries

Ooh, I like the sound of that!

Mr Lucas

You're not tall enough.

Mr Humphries

I know, I just like the sound of it.

Mr Rumbold

Oh, this chap's quite a large shareholder. [He's a] professional dancer.

Mrs Slocombe

Oh, Mr. Humphries does a bit of dancing. Don't you, Mr. Humphries?

Mr Humphries

Oh yes. The word "versatile" has been applied to me before. [Begins to dance]

Mr Rumbold

I must stop you; he's only got one leg. And he is from Nigeria. Could you play a one-legged, Nigerian tap-dancer?

Mr Humphries

Not with any degree of sincerity, no.

Captain Peacock

[To Humphries] One more insult from that man [Lucas] and these clothes are coming off!

Mr Humphries

Don't start distracting me now, I'm very busy!

Mr Lucas

What are you talking about? Alexander the Great was only my age when he died and he was practically ruling the world.

Mr Humphries

Yes, but could he take an inside leg?

Captain Peacock

[After viewing a sales model with rotating breasts] Excuse me Madam, I wonder if we could interest you in the new "Flexi-bra". However wayward your figure, the Flexi-bra will cling to it, and control it. [Shows her model]

I know all about them, thank you. In fact, I wear one. [Opens coat to reveal her breasts rotating like the models]

And I have the matching pants. [Turns to reveal his buttocks rotating in the same fashion]

Mr Humphries

[Faints, collapsing into Lucas' arms]

Young Mr Grace

[Wearing glasses] I can't find me spectacles, you read it.

Mr Harman

Uh, yes. Now, this is the oldest. [Points to chest of drawers]

Mr Grace

The bow front with the short legs?

Mrs Slocombe

That'll be you, Mr. Goldberg!

Shh! I want to hear!

Mr Harman

The top's in very good condition, bit of dry rot in the leg, and the knob's going to fall off! [Mr Goldberg is shocked)

Young Mr Grace

What about that pretty little piece?

Mrs Slocombe

That must be you, Miss Brahms.

Mr Lucas

Well, it certainly won't be you!

Mr Harman

Outwardly, in very good condition. Unfortunately it's got a screw loose! And the knockers aren't genuine...

Miss Brahms

[Outraged] Blummin' cheek!!

Mr Harman

That brings me to this one, here.

Mr Grace

Oh, the big chest?

Mrs Slocombe

[Appears uncomfortable]

Mr Harman

Once used by a lot of soldiers, there was a lot of odd things found in the drawers, which once removed, you could plainly see the ravages of time. Oh, and there's rising damp in the bottom. Now, we come to the pouf.

Mr Humphries

[Looks embarrassed]

Mr Harman

Outwardly in very good condition. A bit older than it looks, a bit saggy in the middle, and probably worth hanging onto if you're prepared to have it stuffed!

Mr Humphries

[Faints, collapses into Peacock's arms]

Mr Humphries

Oh you're nice aren't you!?

Mrs Slocombe

Mr Humphries, leave my pussy alone!