Mr Spooner quotes from Are You Being Served?

Mr Humphries

[Recounting recent visit to the doctors] Oh yes, well after a very rigorous examination, he looked at me and said: "I can't find anything wrong with you." Which surprised me, so I asked for a second opinion.

Mr Spooner

Did you get one?

Mr Humphries

Hmm, from the window cleaner, but we closed the curtains and ignored him.

I think I ought to look for another job.

Mr Spooner

What could you do?

What do you mean what could I do? I've got my brain! I've got my eyes! My senses, my hands, my feet...

Mr Humphries

You could be a guide dog.

Mrs Slocombe

Oh, I've dropped the pot!

Mr Spooner

I think we've attracted attention, all right.

Mr Humphries

Somehow, I don't think a red policeman is not going to be on our side.

Mr Spooner

[Discussing Slocombe's attraction towards Humphries] Do you think she wants something?

Mr Humphries

I hope not.

Mr Spooner

[At ballet] Have they all forgotten the words?

They don't have words in ballet, you ignorant burk!

Mr Spooner

Now I know why the miners said "One out, the lot out".

Captain Peacock

I say, that hasn't cooled me down at all.

Mrs Slocombe

Put it away, Miss Brahms.

Mr. Rumbold, I must speak to you. There's a man in a blue overcoat looking through the window in your office.

Mr Rumbold

Well what's so strange about that?

He's outside and we're on the fourth floor.

Mr Rumbold

Good heavens!

Mr Spooner

Cor, who was that?

Captain Peacock

His new secretary.

Miss Brahms

Huh, bet they're paying her out for the electricity bill.

Captain Peacock

[Realising who Miss Belfridge is talking about] Blue overcoat?

Mrs Slocombe

Mr. Humphries!

Miss Brahms

Ooh, he's never climbed that drainpipe.

Mr Spooner

[Mock surprise] Ooh, not in those trousers.